OMG! I can't believe its been nearly 2 years since I've written. Jay suggested I get back to this and I agree. I'm currently listening to
"Purple Rain" and want to express myself honestly and raw. I want to write about what's on my mind heavy right now....Alfonse Bowman.
I had a crush on Alfonse in the 8th grade...1992. I thought he was so sweet, caring, nice, friendly, smart and goofy. Decades later, we reconnect on FB. Ever since 1992, I would drive past his grandma's house and look to see if he was out there. I would sign up for those stupid class reunion websites and immediately look for his name. So when I found out he was on FB via Lakesha Selvey, I hit him up. Almost immediately he responded and we quickly caught up. My little crush was over lol. He was married with 2 kids. As I do/did with all married people, I congratulated him and he said something to the effect that it wasn't all that great. It piqued my interest but I let it go. He then IMed me and started complimenting me on how pretty and sexy I was. I had dreamed he would always say that to me. That piqued my interest but I let it go. We talked about who knows and then he really started hitting on me saying he wanted to eat my pussy. That really piqued my interest. I started to think "What if I just try it once...like a bucket list?" He was persistent. He called my home that was listed on my FB account. He started calling everyday and texting and IMing. I quickly got accustomed to hearing from him. We flirted in the beginning. I liked talking to him. I liked how me made me feel. In the past, I was either Ms. Prim and Proper or I was Ms. Hit It And Quit It. And it had been like 7 years since I had just wild out. It was forbidden and wrong and exciting and I loved it. It was pulling me from who I was accustomed to portraying myself to be so naturally there was resistance. I couldn't send him naked pics or have phone sex with him...it just felt wrong. It started with me IMing and texting sexy stories. I would secretly touch myself as he responded back with "mmmmm" or "damn I'm cumming". I felt safe there. I could fantasize about being with him without actually BEING with him.
Two months later, he planned a trip to Chicago for the weekend. I planned on staying with him the entire weekend and we would go out on dates and have fun. I was so nervous about that. I had never spent the night with a man so I was going overboard doing stuff. I spent most of the night preparing like shaving and waxing and trying to find the perfect lingerie and stuff. I reached him around midnight. I'll never forget driving up to the hotel and seeing him standing at the glass door looking for me. My stomach was doing flip-flops. I didn't know how to act so I kinda threw him his Harold's and followed him to the room. He handed me a card (which I still have) and the new Prince CD. I was still so nervous. He was eating his food and I couldn't open my mouth to take one bite. My appetite was GONE lol. He crossed the room and kissed me. My brain shut down for a moment and I lost my balance lol. Then all I could hear in my head was
Faith Evan's "Kissing You." Even now as I listen to that song while writing this, my heart and stomach is doing is flip-flops while my hands shake and my eyes fill with tears. That moment was so PERFECT!!!! I couldn't believe I was kissing Alfonse Bowman. I couldn't believe that Alfonse Bowman was taking my shirt off. I couldn't believe that Alfonse Bowman was taking my bra off. I couldn't believe it. I zoned out lol. I can't really remember too much...until it was over. Only he and I will ever know what happened next...and what happened nearly every damn time afterwards smh. Total embarrassment but I fell asleep next to him. I felt so comfortable even though I slept so light and didn't move the entire time. I did notice that he was not ashamed of his body. He walked around the room naked. I didn't feel that free so I put on my pj's that were raggedy lol. The next morning, Faith Evans was still playing in my head. He left me to hang out with his family and I hung in the room. I got a call from Warren Jackson that made me feel so guilty to the point I cried. What was I doing? Premarital sex with a married man? I was going to hell on the real. But I swallowed (no pun intended) my guilt in order to stay with him. The weekend didn't go as I thought it would. We didn't go out or do anything. That Sunday morning, he seemed a bit distant and I cried after he left. I don't know exactly why I was crying...I guess I didn't want him to leave. We talked a bit more the following weeks but he began to be wishy-washy. We would break up and make up. I felt rejected but was addicted to the attention and the peace I had knowing I had someone. Even if no one else knew about him, it soothed this deep ache in my heart. I couldn't let him go. Even after a few months, I would get all anxious and cry when we broke up. I would beg for him to take me back. This phenomenon was all new to me. I never begged a guy before and always believed I would never do it in the future. Yet here I was begging him to take me back.
How did I fall in love with Alfonse Bowman? It started with him having me tell him that at the end of our conversations. At first, I just thought that was one of his "married" hangups...needing someone to tell him they loved him because he wasn't getting that at home. I didn't love him but I'd say it anyways. Pretty soon, I became addicted to him. Me going to see him in Philly that summer was an event. I promised him that I wouldn't talk about that because it really made him look like an asshole. No, let me correct myself. He was an asshole for what he did that trip....no if and or buts to that one. I don't want to go into it because its something I've put behind me. Maybe I'll cover that trip in its own entry. After that trip, I noticed he became distant. Looking back at it now, I was so naive and dumb.
I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN!!! He couldn't devout all this attention and time and stuff to me. He had a family he had to focus on. But I do remember being so hurt that he would ignore me and be distant. After that trip, he broke up with me. He said he couldn't do it anymore. I was so depressed. I couldn't get out the bed in the mornings and I didn't want to go to sleep. I would keep my phone in my hand and look at it every time I would roll over or wake up. I started writing stuff on my FB page to get attention. And of course...it worked. He called me after what seemed like an eternity and asked me if I was pregnant. I was so mad that he didn't say he missed me or anything so I told him that I would not answer that question and he just hung up the phone. Weeks later, he came to Chicago. We hooked up one night. It was pure sex and it was GOOD!!! Too quick but good. As we were washing up, I asked him if he missed me and if he loved me. I'll never forget he turned to me and said with this disgusted look on his face, "You like hearing that?" As if to say, no I don't I only say it to appease you. The next day, he texted me that he loved me and I felt whole again like all was right with the world.
The next few months, we went through our ups and downs. At times, I felt like he was cheating on me and his wife but he always denied it. I went to Philly to see him that November. That trip was interesting in itself. That was the first time the freak came out in me. We used toys and lube and drank liquor. I might have this one as its own entry as well. I don't know if I wanna get explicit in this blog. We were supposed to hook up every evening. Once again so stupid to think he could get out each night. He lied to me, however, and said he twisted his ankle while playing basketball
(now
pause everyone...anyone who knows and have seen Alfonse should've known that was a lie. No offense but he has bad feet and is not a basketball type). I was so sad and heartbroken. But he made it up to me by coming to Chicago for Christmas. That trip was a change in our relationship. I think before December, I was just a piece of pussy to him. He didn't have any real feelings for me. I was just a chick who fed his ego and gave him good sex. Now don't get me wrong. After December, he wasn't all "I'm so in love with Carmen" but I think he realized I was fun. Actually I don't really know what it was about that trip. Well....it might've been our trip to Walmart. We hung out like we were homies. We had fun. I felt comfortable with him. We actually had the time and freedom to be together. I don't know, I'd have to ask him. But I remember thinking to myself, "I could do this for life." New Years Eve came around and I got a text. I was hurt because I was planning on seeing him. What freedom, huh?
Months past and we keep doing the make-up to break-up thing. But this time, its different. I'm not content with what he was giving me. I start looking at other people. I start flirting and chatting with other guys online. I have a harem of at least 20 guys I'm juggling while still trying to figure out how to get Alfonse's attention. I go to Philly in April and was prepared to only see him sporadically. I stayed downtown so I got to see a lot of the city. This was the first time I wasn't stuck in the room waiting on him. I actually enjoyed myself. He bought me this beautiful diamond tennis bracelet. Actually, I bought it and he reimbursed me. It was a good trip even though he never came back when he said he would. I, of course, was hurt and I think I cried in the airport bathroom. Oh yeah, I remember. He said he was so sorry for ditching me that night that he would come take me to the airport. After waiting all morning, I finally took the train to the airport. He couldn't get away but I interpreted it as he didn't want to come get me or he forgot. The next bump in our road was a doozy that would forever change the nature of our relationship.
It was a Sunday afternoon when he called me crying. He was saying that he was about to lose his family and for me to tell his wife that we were friends and nothing was going on with us. Apparently she found some IMs of ours. He was all messed up and needless to say, I was too. He broke off the relationship. I cried like my dog had died lol. He called me one morning and was real candid about his "secret" life. Apparently he had been juggling multiple women, including me. I'll never forget he told me that if I knew all of what he'd been up to, I'd scrub my pussy out. That scared the mess out of me. He confided in me about EVERYTHING. As he told me, I started getting physically sick. I became nauseous and lightheaded. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stop crying. This man, Alfonse Bowman, deceived me. For a year and a half, I thought I knew him but I didn't know anything about him. So what did I love? I loved a facade? Did I love the attention? Did I love the fact that he fulfilled that deep need in me to just have a man? Probably all of the above. But something inside of me had been opened and I was not ready to close it off again. I learned how to be vulnerable to another person. I learned how to be affectionate. I learned that I had the capability to love. I learned that I was soft. I learned that I was sexy. I learned that it was okay to feel like a woman. I learned how to be a woman. Alfonse opened up to me and that made me feel special. I knew something about him that NOBODY ELSE knew about him. I knew his vulnerability. I knew his struggles. I knew about the skeletons and demons. I knew what drove him to be who he was. I started to learn about a whole new Alfonse. Was he that same damn near perfect specimen I met a year and a half ago? Hell no! But the fact that he let me in pulled me in further into his world. I now wanted to help him. I wanted to heal him. I wanted him to feel loved. I wanted him to feel freedom. I wanted him to dream. I wanted him to have faith. I wanted the best for him. I wanted to give him the world. Now I know that sounds rather crazy coming from a woman. Don't get me wrong now. I didn't want to take care of him but I wanted to challenge him to strive for whatever he wanted.
There are some things I will not discuss just for my own peace of mind. Weeks after being caught, he talked his way out of it (silver-tongued devil lol) and I planned a desperate attempt to keep him (and myself relevant). I went to Philly to see him. Since he'd been caught, he was more distant and cold.This was the beginning of the cold war. I was in love with him and sympathized with him but he was pushing me away and I was now begging for him to stay. I actually planned a menage-a-trois just to get his attention. At the last minute, I couldn't do it. You could tell he was disappointed and upset. He actually told me that he would not care if I slept with another man. That statement was like a slap in the face. He stung me to the core. How could this man whom I loved and who professed at one time to love me too say that he wanted me to have sex with another man the very next day. I was so upset that I did exactly that. I began hooking up with random people just to get over the pain. I was dead inside. And during those days, he would randomly contact me and I would drink that attention up like it was the substance of life. I started throwing people in his face and embellishing stuff so he would get jealous. I started to play games. Before this, I had never been a games type of person. I was always a shoot-from-the-hip type of person. I didn't know how to fake and be phony. My memory gets blurry at this point. I remember this was the season of games. I would do things to get his attention but I could never keep it like I had in the beginning. I started to have all these rules for him like "call me every morning" or "don't ignore my texts." I was so desperate to keep his attention that I actually moved to Philly for an entire summer. NOW I had his attention but I kept him at bay. I learned that if I gave in that he would lose interest and I would have to fight and claw to gain back his attention. That little game got me back in the ballpark. He was calling and texting and IMing me all of the time. It was like the beginning all over again. I cherished that attention. The prior year, I told him that I was pregnant and he persistently and callously persuaded me to flush it out. This time around, he told me that it was up to me and he'd support me with whatever I decide. Once I made the decision, he even wanted to go with me to the clinic. I longed to be with him that entire summer but my fear of losing the adoration and attention motivated me to not give in. Even though he is long suffering, once he makes up in his mind to let me go, there's nothing I can do.
There have been so many starts and stops in the Alfonse and Carmen story that I can't even remember them all. So let's just start to right now. His wife found out about me...again. She actually called me and talked to me. I was so scared for him. During that week while he fixed his marriage, I had a dream that put everything in perspective. Now mind you, this was a dream so it could be tainted with my own personal desires or beliefs but all of my dreams about Alfonse have been true...which is odd and maybe another entry. In this dream, Alfonse is at a graduation. Most of the people are near the stage but he's sitting towards the back and alone. I'm peeking inside the room and he sees me. He jumps up and comes towards me. I run away and he runs after me. He's loudly whispering my name until he gets out the room with everyone. He sounds desperate and pleading. I'm hiding in a dark room behind the door, scared. He comes to the entry of the door and peers inside saying my name with this begging and pleading tone. I'm crying because I can't let him see me even though I want him to see me. He leaves and goes back into the graduation. He sits in his seat and becomes overcome with emotions. He's crying tears and trying to hide them from everyone. His wife comes to his side and is trying to talk to him and he's trying to compose himself. She seems a bit concerned but blows it off. I woke up and immediately understood this ::: He loves me! After four years, how could he not? But he loves and belongs to his family. They come first. On some level, he's become selfless to his wants and desires and unfortunately that makes me selfless to MY wants and desires. He's selfless and I pay the price. But that does not take away from the fact that he loves me. So as for now, our saga is over. That dream helped me to be selfless and let him go. He needs to focus on his family. He told me that I had a strong hold on him mentally. That made me feel like the richest person in the world because that let me know that I am lovable. SHIT....now I'm crying. My only fear is that he'll forget about me or stop loving me after a while. I will be replaceable. I want him to love me forever like I will love him forever. I want him to always think of me like I always think of him. I want him to want to be with me like I want to be with him. I can't fathom that maybe a year or two later, I'm a distant memory. That I've been replaced. Its those thoughts that keep me sad...keep me crying at night. I am prepared to give him space but to delete him, as we say, is unbearable.
So unbearable that I called Jay to talk about it. Jay has been a godsend. He wasn't like Earl who is a total asshole. Earl looks at it from his perspective. Earl will dick these girls down and they fall in love and he's like "I got a girl." Its not like that with Alfonse. He is/was my first love. My first everything. Jay understood it and even empathized with me. So he said for me to call him bi-daily (every other day...I know I know I said the same thing lol) and let him know how I'm doing. He's been faithful and consistent with letting me talk about how I'm feeling, keeping me laughing. So now I'm trying to figure out what is exactly that I'm crying over. I know I'm crying that a friendship is gone. I'm crying knowing that I can't get what I want. I'm crying that I lost. I'm crying because I feel rejected. I'm crying because I'm going to miss him. I'm crying because the last 4 years of my life might be forgotten or remembered by me only...they may not mean anything one day. I'm crying because that longing is going to come back. I'm crying because I'm going to be lonely. I'm crying because I might be single for the rest of my life. I don't know how to let people in. I'm a bit paranoid. I might be narcassistic. I'm shy. I'm self-conscious. And my heart is being pulled to a married man with two kids living in Philadelphia, P.A.
Now the spiritual aspect of this all....I KNOW what I've done is a sin. I know that falling in love with a married man is a sin. I know that having sex before marriage is a sin. But more importantly than all that being a sin, it affected my relationship with God. I couldn't freely and honestly pray because of the guilt. Unfortuately, I learned how to compartmentalize those feelings. There so many times where I truly wished he was single and available so I could freely be with him without the spiritual guilt. So now God has taken him away and I've got to pay for my disobedience. The Bible says the wages of sin is death. Not all wages are physically death but it could be heartache, sickness, etc. Mine, unfortunately, is going through this heartache. Its like death.
I'm going to bed. Thank you for taking the time out to read this. Leave a comment if you choose.
