Today I had a major breakthrough. As some of you may or may not know but I have been in "love" with Maurice Walker for some time now. Just this semester have I been dealing with my feeling for him. With my detailed list of qualifications in my husband can I sort through my feelings successfully. Now on to the breakthrough...
I was at Candace's house with Jay fixing the radiator. On our way out, I saw a pile of CDs on the floor, but one caught my eye. It was 3pc's "First Come First Served" album. Instinctively, I excitedly picked it up thinking I could finally hear the entire album instead of bits and pieces (no pun intended). When I opened the case, the CD was a regular CD one would buy in the store. It was not a manufactured one that you would buy in the store or whatever. I chuckled at that. Also in the case was a polaroid of he and Candace. I didn't trip like the 'old Carmen' would have. But seeing his face brought a lot of feeling flooding back. I had to sit down and admit to myself that I had some issues. I thought that I had dealt with all feelings concerning Maurice Walker. Obviously I didn't. I didn't dare talk to Jay about it 'cause we all know how jealous he can be if the attention is not on him for 2 minutes. So I began my ritualistic pep talks, but they felt like "just words". There was no meaning or change in those words. I told myself that I would talk to Tanisha when I got home and heading there. As I turned the corner, I said that I would pray about it. I began to then compare him to the qualifications on my "frankenstein" list. I asked myself, "Is he really the one I want to love me forever? The one who will make me feel beautiful and smart and desirable?" And I had to answer no to those questions. I told myself that I deserved someone who would love me unconditionally....or just bottom line, love me! So then I asked myself what the big attraction was to him and it just honestly came out. I was actually shocked that I admitted it so quickly...on a different note, I find it rather strange that I have suppressed my feelings for so long and for so good that I can not be totally honest with myself. It's crazy that I have to psychoanalyze myself just to get to the real picture. Anyways, back to the story. I admitted to myself that I was mistaking love for lust in the case of Maurice Walker. I was thinking of the movie "Le Divorce" when the girl said something about the difference between a husband and a lover. She said that a lover is someone who one is passionate about and eventually fades away. And I said to myself that Maurice could be a good lover but not a good husband. And I admitted that I just wanted to screw him....good. I had fantasized about that since I was a young girl and we know that some fantasies never go away. I felt the intensity of that lust as I began to admit to the truth. I didn't want to marry him and have him with me forever. I just wanted him to touch me and want me and kiss me and grab me...you get the picture. After being so honest with myself, I then asked myself the question, "Who said that he would be so great?" I mean, we all know how guys overdrastically brag on their skills. I have never heard anyone state that he was the bomb, so why would I assume that he would be. As I was typing that, I realized that I think that because of my fantasy. In my fantasy, he is so good! But that is just what it is...a fantasy. So what do we do with fantasies? That I don't know. I guess we file them for future reference after we've been married for 30 years and just want to fantasize about someone else. Actually, that is probably not the best idea. What we do with fantasies? I honestly don't know. But I am so relieved to be free from that burden. Now I know how to deal with this situation. Fasting and praying is a good solution. Especially from the emotional tie with him - even if it is one-sided. I figured this out without Tanisha.
Today, my aunt Gwen called to ask about the family grab bag. She stated that I could trade gifts with Tomeka (Melvonne's daughter). She ain't family, but I told her that I didn't want to participate this year. I hate that stupid grab bag. What's the point? I got 10 niggas just in my house I got to buy gifts for and I ain't got no glamourous job. And it don't help that the last time I participated, it was a whole bunch of drama. Aunt Gwen seemed to take it well and said that she would hook Tomeka and Shani together. But now as I think of it, it seemed to me like she was putting us in a category. She made mention that she was looking for someone for Shani. Why couldn't she pull a name like everyone else? Why couldn't Tomeka, too? Are we in the "difficult family member(s)" group? That just further confirmed my protest of the grab bag. But it also brought up another issue I must deal with...probably before I can get up with dude. I DON'T LIKE MY FAMILY. I just made peace with my immediate family (and not all) but my extended family? I don't like hanging around them. I was going to say that it was just aunt Gwen's family but I don't like Uncle Larry's family (excluding Sandy and Larry Jr) nor do I care for Uncle Joe's kids. His wife is weird so I try not to be around her too long. Could it be that I feel like I am better than them? Maybe, I don't know. There are definitely some issues there and they just try to cover them up and keep going. My whole family is like that, but I'm not. I need to talk about my feelings, especially after my big 'feeling breakthrough'. I guess that's the new issue to deal with for next year.
I talked to Jay today. He is so typical so I can't get mad at him. I realized that I didn't really miss talking to him but in a way I did. It's weird...he's so cool but definitely has some issues. But I am glad that we are cool again. And I said that I would talk to Joyce and Anita too. I always complained that those friendships were superficial and slighted. I would talk to them about my problems (surface only) but they would not talk about theirs. Now that we are in different positions where I am somewhat clear in the head, I feel like I can contribute something to the relationship. I'll hit y'all later! Bye.
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