$12,000.00 LOSER!!!

I feel like such a failure right now. I am not eligible for financial aid this semester....the second to last semester here. Why? Because I failed Counseling Psychology 1. I didn't know that I was doing that bad in that class. I thought the man was grading our work on a curve. It's so sad. Now I owe like $11,500.00 in order to be validated. When I first found out, I felt so defeated. I knew that I would have problems but I thought that they would work out. In my moment of defeat, I felt like eating everything under the sun, but I was broke. It's so sad. I slept all day. I didn't find out if there was anything they could do. I did look on the internet and apply for loans but was denied. Now I am sitting in my room waiting to go to work...too tired to go get something to eat or sit here and type this. Why am I so tired? 'Cause I ain't really ate nothing the past few days. It's crazy! Tanisha called and made me feel better. I have hope 'cause I am too far to give up. I just don't want to leave my room. Isn't that odd? Here's something else to entertain y'all.

As you know, I figured out my problem with Maurice (see Love, Lust...there is a big difference). On Wednesday, I listened to their CD (finally) and my response was bitter. I was making sarcastic comments to the lyrics of the songs. Then I heard "Ooh, Aah" and my heart...er, body melted. I love that song. But then all those feelings of lust came flooding back. It was sick, sick, sick! Now I have to war against that spirit...all because I listened to that funky CD. Stupid me, huh? But I did have some breakthrough in my bitterness towards him....wait, have I explained the seriousness and reasons behind my bitterness towards him? I guess I can write about that now. Ever since a young girl, I was infatuated with him. I thought that he was so great. The infatuation turned into love and love turned into lust. After my prom (and continuous disapproval from family and friends), I gave up the love but kept the lust and infatuation. I wanted him to be my first (too late for that now, isn't it?) and wanted to be with him. My esteem was based solely on him. When he didn't show up for prom and give me the time of day (lack of better word), I felt so undesirable. I felt ugly and worthless and asexual. My esteem took a nose dive (Nate didn't help it either) and thought that no man could nor would ever want me. Therefore, if they showed me some attention, I thought that I was lucky and had better not miss out on that opportunity. I hated him for not liking me. I used to ask myself, "What's wrong with me? Why don't you want me?" I still don't know the answer and I still ponder that, but I have realized that I deserve and need better than that. So bitterness is still chilling within me. But the breakthrough is this: I can see his spiritual potential. I know who he can be if he gets his life back on track. And he will be a blessing to whoever listens to his testimony and ministry. But I won't be by his side. I can't say that whoever lands him will be getting a catch 'cause I don't know about that. I have always seen him coming back to God and singing that song by Fred Hammond "Running back to You". When he truly and honestly sings that song, it's gonna tear the church up. And that vision right there is what I held on to for years, hopping that he would come back soon. But I realized that I need to move on and do my thing. I still love him to death...but it's strictly platonic and friendly, ya know? At least, that's what it should be and will be in the near future. This lust spirit I have, I am going to beat it (no pun intended!).

Hey! Don't let forget that the next entry will be my New Year's resolutions for 2005 and my theory on New Year resolutions.