This is the first day of my monthly fast. I figured that I would write about my experiences and lessons during these experiences. I was writing them on paper but when I found that I was filling an entire page with just one thought, I said that I would type them on my trusty blog! Here I go:
I awoke early for morning devotion. It was good! I read the Bible for an hour and listened to worship music the entire time. I vowed to not watch television but at 7am, I couldn't resist the urge to watch "Angel" and "Charmed". By the time I was ready for class, I was unmotivated to go so I watched "ER" and felt hungry so I went to Big Daddy's crib to get something to eat. I came back in time to watch "Days of Our Lives" and "Passions". I got sleepy and fell asleep around 4pm until 9:30pm. I had that "...itis"! I awoke in time to see the second half of "Charmed" and "Law and Order". I also watched "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". What I came to realize today is that my productivity is damaged when the "hella-vision" is turned on. Before I turned it on this morning, I prayed, read my Word, showered, dressed for school and straightened my room. So I have to fast from television. I also had a strange dream where I was at church and was holding some strange young baby. I heard my parents outside calling me to come out so we could go home. I walked out the church, carefully carrying the baby. Then I saw Charlie and I got so excited that I gave the baby to some random person and ran to him. I was so excited to him. I got the feeling that he was back in church. He looked like he did before he backslid. I grabbed him and just hugged him. I had no cool about my actions whatsoever. We sat on the curb and started talking. He was slyly rubbing and touching me. I wasn't really feeling awkward but I wasn't really feeling him either. I felt like the 'old' Carmen - where I can't say no to anyone and just go along with whatever. I was trying to tell him to chill 'cause my parents and Brett were watching. When I woke up, I felt so strange 'cause the dream was so vivid. It was just like the dream with Maurice. It was so vivid. I could vividly see their faces! I was really confused because why would I be dreaming of these people? Then I think I figured it out. I was praying the other night and confessed some other things about me and my feelings. I came to the realization that I couldn't get Maurice out of my head because I had made a "demi-god" out of him. I also realized that I have never been single...emotionally/mentally. I have always pined after someone and these people are in my heart and if I am ever going to be a successful wife, then I have to get over these ties. And I think these dreams are bringing these ties to my conscious. Therefore, I have Maurice and Charlie...and those sound about right. If I saw Charlie tomorrow, I would definitely act out towards him...in spite of everything that went down. I can never stay mad at him and am always happy when I see him. My face lights up like a Christmas tree. I don't even try to hide it. That is so crazy to me. I usually hide my emotions when it comes to crushes and stuff, but with him, I never do that! And it's not fair to whoever I hook up with because they deserve to be #1 instead of a replacement. And I don't think this gonna be hard because the Word says that all I have to do is ask and I shall receive...that He hears me when I pray and before I finish, He answers my prayers. He's brought me this far...which is a far far far way....and will carry me the rest. I am interested in knowing who else lies dormant in my heart. Nate? I would've definitely thought he would have. Now that I think about it...I did have a dream about Nate within the past few months. Maybe it was this summer, but I did have a dream about him and it was vivid! Uhhh....who else is in there? I know who ain't in there - Earl! I am so over him! It's crazy how quickly I got over him! And for whoever is reading this and is trippin', it was years ago...like when he got married! So calm down! After I finish this, I am going to read the scriptures for today 'cause I didn't read them but I am not giving up on the fast. I need this! And giving up is a testimony to my life. I am going to change that right now!
On a different note, T-Wi called me yesterday and we talked about the play. She said that God placed on her heart for us to write a play about being "The One". I think that is a good idea. Then I was watching "Ya-Ya Sisterhood" and realized how much a person can damage their children if they don't get their mental disorder corrected or checked. The mother was definitely bipolar - even though they tried to make it seem like she was just an alcoholic. The alcohol was masking her true disorder. And the children wore the scars of the disorder. It made me think of my childhood. I think my mother is/was bipolar. Watching that movie was like looking into my past. On the outside, everything looked fine but it wasn't. We would stay out of her way so we could be safe. There were many times where I had to fight her off of my siblings...even me! Growing up, I thought that it was rebellion (in a way it was) but it was also survival. She would've killed us if we didn't fight back. And as I watched this, I was crying in fear that I would grow up just like that, but I was comforted by God. He showed me that I wouldn't turn out like that because he has been working on me. Had I gotten married at a young age, I would've been that way! I was already on the right track with beating my brothers and sisters, but since I've been here, I have checked my anger. I definitely see a change in me! And it's all Jesus! Thank you so much! So we will be focusing our ideas on that for the play. And I got a great idea on some humor for the play...every play needs some humor. I was watching "Yes, Dear" and they did a flashback episode where Greg and Kim came over Jimmy and Christine's house. Greg and Kim were in college and Kim had broken up with Jimmy's friend who wanted Kim back. Greg looked like some big sissy! It was hilarious! To make a story short, Jimmy's friend began to talk bad about Kim to get Greg to dump her. But Greg didn't like it and he stood up to him. Here's the dialogue: (it's so funny, I almost peed my pants!)
Billy: I just wanna let you know that Kim is a slut.
Greg: No she's not! Take it back!
Billy: No!
Greg: (looking into the sky and hearing music) I am the man who will fight for your honor... (and goes to punch out Billy but misses and gets knocked out)
Billy: I don't wanna fight you! Just go home!
Greg: (stumbling) Take it back!
Billy: No! It's true!
Greg: (looking into the sky and hearing music) I am the man who will fight for your honor...(and goes to punch out Billy but misses and gets knocked out again)
Greg does this about six times. It was so funny...I was crying it was so funny so I figured we could incorporate that into the play. We'll see. Well that's all for now.
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