The men in my life, part 2

Let's talk about something important....like my weekend. I talked to T-Wi for at least 6 hours. We talked about EVERYTHING! Can you believe that she is pregnant? That is so crazy! I also talked to Kesha. My girl is going through some things right now. She is actually talking about selling her brand new house and moving to Las Vegas! Can you believe it? When she told me, my heart dropped to the ground. So for all of youse reading this, pray that this girl find a job. I also talked to Tara. We talked about some things, too. We talked about my inability to say 'no' to people. I know that some of youse are shocked right now, but I do have that problem. Especially with people that I like/friends. I will do anything for my friends because I have a problem with buying my friends. I think Tanisha, Tara and Kesha are the onliest ones who I never feel like I gotta do for them in order for them to like me. They just like me because. Not saying that all of my other friends are people who like me because I do for them. I'm saying that they are people I FEEL like I have to do for in order to keep them as friends.

I am just fixated on graduating and moving on with life. Where, oh where, will I go? What will I do? My dream is to get a job at the Department of Family Services as a social worker of some kind, get my own place and start on graduate school. I have been looking and the qualifications are for people with Masters' degrees. I only have my bachelors. So, what will I do???? Where else can I look? My brain is starting to hurt by thinking about this.

Well, I guess I can talk about another guy since I got so many comments on the first one (see Men of my Life). I don't have much time so I have to choose a quick one again. Let's see....we'll talk about #4 - Steve from work.

I used to work at Time-Life Libraries. This place was crazy. Everyone was either drug users/dealers or on probation. What in the world was I doing there? I had just graduated from high school....an all-girl high school. I was pretty much sheltered from certain things. I knew lots of EX-drug users/dealers from church but they were saved. So I start this job with two other girls. Because we were all around the same age, we immediately clicked and talked. When we walked into the place, I felt like a piece of meat. All of the guys were staring and whispering. I felt really self-conscious because this was my first experience with guys (because of the all-girl school situation). Fast-forward to a couple of weeks....this guy used to sit in front of me and sell stuff like crazy. He was a big cat and extremely smooth. He was interested in my girl and would ask me to hook him up. I tried but she saw that he was a nigga! Meanwhile, he was trying to hook me up with his guy, Nate. But something happened and the roles reversed. Steve started calling me every night. We would hang out after work. Remind you that I was so naive! So after a few weeks of that, he told me that he liked me and wanted to have sex with me. I don't know exactly how he asked that 'cause I would've went off with the direct approach. But the question was asked (at least I think it was). So one day, I went to his house and he opened the door half-naked. Yuck! He runs up the stairs and jumps in the tub. He told me to have a seat in his room. The room was so tacky and sloppy. Ladies, here is a word of knowledge: If a brother is real smooth in his dress, 9 times out of 10 is is sloppy and his room is nasty! There was paper and clothes all over the floor. His furniture was all torn up. Mind you that he was like 28 or 29, maybe, and I was 19. So he comes in the room with a towel on and sits next to me on the bed. When he pulls the towel off, I get disgusted. I really want to go home. This was my first time ever seeing a naked man. I was SO scared! He tries to take my clothes off but I think he sees the frightened look in my eyes and stops. We end up making out, with him on the receiving end. I reluctantly do it and DID NOT enjoy it at all. Actually, I kinda blocked out the specifics of it all. Now I do remember that Jodeci was playing and it took me YEARS to actually listen to them without having flashbacks. After I left, I felt so dirty and used. I cried all the way to the bus stop. I missed 5 buses and decided to walk to my cousin Sheresse's house. I just sat over there and watched television to get my mind off of what I had done. Later that night, I scrubbed every inch of my body as hard as I could to wash off the sin and disgust. The next few days at work, I would avoid him at all costs. Finally, we were forced to sit right next to each other. He asked me why I hadn't called or talked to him. I told him that I was busy with school and quickly apologized. Why in the world would I apologize to him? But I did. To make matters worse, he tried to push me off on his cousin. His cousin came to me one day and said that he really liked me and wanted to cook me dinner and spoil me. By this time, I was a bitter and cold b#tch. I could spot game a mile away. Years later, I'm driving down the Dan Ryan and I see him in a car with another guy. By this time, all that old drama was squashed. I didn't think about that. I just saw an old friend and waved. He motioned for me to pull over on the ramp right before the Halsted ramp (no one knows the name nor gets off on that ramp). We talk and he gets a little fresh but not too bad. I keep it simple and short. I guess he thought I was the same naive lil' Carmen. After dealing with him and Nate, I learned so much about guys. I used to pride myself in saying that I knew and understood guys. And I did...now I realize that I only learned about the bad guys. I never experienced good guys until I got here.