I Get So Lonely and Sad

It's been a hard two weeks. As you may or may not know, I am still in Tulsa trying to graduate from ORU. My last semester there, I got sick and flunked my classes. I was on probation and was given the summer to make up the classes. I took the classes but did not have the money to pay for the classes, so I was put on suspension. I was told that I had to take 2 HPE (Health and Physical Education) classes to get back in school. I waited a year to recouperate from the sickness and signed up for the classes this summer. When I go to get everything together, I was told that I had to go to a community college to take the classes. Then I was told that b/c my GPA was low, I had to take 12 credits to come back. I was so discouraged that I cried on the phone to my dad...something that I don't do. I told him that I wanted to come home. Everyone is leaving or is gone. Keyda left in May. Tonya is leaving tomorrow. Barbara is talking about moving back to Shreveport. Charlie went to Utah. I'm alone. And it hurts. So back to the story. I have only 20 credits until graduation and I have to take 12 credits at TCC. That could take either one or two semesters. If I take all those classes in one semester, I could still graduate in May. If I break them up into two semesters, then I would postpone graduation another year...2009. So I would be here in Tulsa alone for another two years....shuckin' and survivin' like GOOD TIMES.

Then you have my job...the one that I HATE. But here's the kicker, I changed my schedule for the summer (b/c of the supposed summer classes) to the morning shift and I LOVED IT!!! It was so peaceful and...peaceful. I didn't mind going to work and taking calls. The shift starts at 6:45am and ended at 3:15pm. That left me the entire afternoon to be productive. I love that shift. I told the supervisor, Billye, that I wanted to change to her shift and she said that I had to talk to Pstr. Bill. So I did that and told him about everything - school, wanting to move, frustration, and wanting to change my schedule permantly. He said that I probably wouldn't be able to b/c his shift was low on people (I wonder why???). I then told him that Billye said that it would be alright with her. He seemed shocked that I had already talked to Billye and told me that he would talk to AnneMarie about it. Two days later, he tells me that I wouldn't be able to move right now and would have to go back to my original schedule IMMEDIATELY! Immediately?!? I hate that shift. All the peace and joy that I had went straight out the window. I was pissed...and that's putting it mildly. I had scheduled my classes around going to work in the morning. What was I supposed to do now? I don't think staying there is worth it, especially since I'm not receiving nothing in exchange. So now I am on the verge of tears again b/c everything is falling apart. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. And to put the cherry on the top (no pun intended), I found Nate on Myspace.com. Of all people, where does he come from? All of those feelings slowly....slowly....slowly crept back in. Now I am sitting in my house feeling "lonely", wanting to make a "phone call" but have no one to call (and that's good!). But that doesn't take away from the fact that I am feeling like this. I have broken down and cried myself sick almost everyday since last Monday when I found out the bad news about school. Now I am sitting here again wondering if I should just go back home. Will CSU take me on academic probation???? But where will I get the money? I am so discouraged. And no one seems to care....let alone help or encourage me. I feel so alone. I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager. And I haven't felt so "lonely" since Lucious Jr. and we see how that was so disasterous! And as I'm writing this, guess who calls? Curtis. I ain't heard from him since forever and he calls. But even still, I don't even know what to say or explain what is going on with me. Once again, I am playing the part....or should I just talk about my feelings? I don't know...that's another story. At least he got me laughing and not crying. Thanks Curtis. I'll hit y'all back later.