Sunday, January 8, 2010

Today was an interesting day. Yet at the end of it, all I can feel is some raw emotion that I can't exactly place. I know what set me off but I can't place what the emotion is. I was talking to Tanisha when she revealed to me a conversation that she had with my father. She was mentioning to him that he was going to soon have an empty house because everyone is going away to school and he said that it wasn't true...that he wasn't going to have an empty house because he was always going to have me. WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?!? Is he insinuating that I'm never moving out..that I will always be dependent upon him? That I'll never fully grow up and out on my own? That he doesn't think I have the ability or potential to do that? Or was he just joking with her? I wanna confront him about that but if he was just joking, then it'll be moot. I wonder about people's perception of me and it motivates me, sometimes, to do things that I wouldn't normally do. For example, this whole "me-not-moving-out" thing has got me SERIOUSLY considering moving to Philadelphia. I've moved away before all on my own. I did that on my own. I lived on my own. So why does he think I'd never go anywhere? And that brings up my whole Denise/Delores complex. If I don't move out, I'd be like them. And if I put all of my hope into Al, then I'll be like Delores. And if I just live life I have been doing for the past few years, then I'll be like Denise. *sighs* Why do I talk to Tanisha? I always leave feeling insecure. And I know she doesn't do it on purpose but....dang! Today is one of those days when I just wanna go away.

I had so much to talk about that was good like the council on Saturday which was off the hook but I just don't feel like it right now. So I'm going to let that go and do that another day. XOXO