I'm in a quinessential place in my life right now. I have broken up with my boyfriend....not my choice this time. He called me last week and told me that he was busted by his wife. The next day, he explained to me that she found a conversation we had and he had to come clean. He deleted his FB and YAHOO account. Then he called me the next day and that's when EVERYTHING came out. I won't go into what he told me because that was between me and him but it FLOORED me! What I can tell you is that I was in a one-sided relationship. I felt so stupid. Can you imagine that everything that you believed to be a lie? My head was swimming. So here I was (am) with this situation that has so many sides, I get confused about it sometimes.
1. He was married (wrong relationship in itself)
2. He is in love with his wife (maybe I was delusional in thinking otherwise)
3. He was cheating on me with other women (I had a feeling but couldn't get the truth from him)
4. He didn't love me (said that he didn't love himself so how could he love me? OUCH lol)
5. He used me (UGH...Nate all over again)
6. He lied to me and played me dirty (think July and November)
7. He put my health at risk with STDs (the worst of all but I understand and forgive him somewhat on this one)
So this week has been EXTREMELY hard. I love(d) that man and would've done anything for him. I was planning on being with him for a really long time. I would've waited for him for 12 years. But knowing what I know now...how could I love him when I didn't even know him? How could I subject myself to more abuse from him? I think on all the nights that I cried cause I didn't know how to make him love me or do right by me or that I missed him or he hurt me and I feel so stupid. I feel like a stupid stupid idiotic woman. And I think on all the words and terms of endearments that I gave him and to know that they meant nothing. I wanted him to feel loved and special and I end up feeling like a...I don't even have a word to describe how I felt. I think on the times when I had enough strength to let him go and he fought for me to come back. I think on last summer when we separated....oh wait...I think on last summer when he told me that he wouldn't have no time to talk to me 'cause he would be in the house all the time. BS! But I think on that and if I had let him go, I would've been okay by now. He would've been outta my life and I would've been okay. But no....I had to seduce him to take me back. Then I think on how I had let him go in September and he fought for me. He wouldn't let me go. I think on just last week when I sent the infamous Dear John letter only to recant the letter. In addition to the recanting, he told me that he wanted to work on our relationship. How stupid was I to believe him? And I could halfway understand if the other chicks were just jumpoffs but he was still messing with a chick from before his wife. How the hell was I supposed to compete with her? I'm the jumpoff. I'm the whore who was just pu$$y. I didn't mean nothing and I can't come to grips with that. After all of that, I still love him. WHY?!? Am I crazy? I still miss him like crazy! I used to snuggle with my pillow imagining that it was him. I can't do that anymore so now I don't sleep so good. I used to fantasize about him at night. I can't do that anymore so I'm constantly tense. I'm having anxiety attacks...I'm angry...I'm hurt...I feel lonely. But I know that I need to leave him alone. I still pray for him. I still got the jacket I bought him in my closet and just thinking about giving it away hurts me. I haven't deleted his number out of my phone...I still have his text messages...I still sign on YAHOO MESSENGER hoping to see him online...I still sign in on FB hoping to see him online...when my phone goes off, I hope its him...in the morning, I still wake up at 7:30 and anticipate him calling me. So I gave him his own ringtone so I don't get anxious. He called a few days after everything to see how I was doing. He actually told me to take back my life and that this would make me stronger. Can you believe that?
So many emotions run through me in any given moment. How did I fall for that trick? Why me? Why'd he choose me to do this to? Why can't I find a man who thinks I am worthy of being wifey material? Or better yet, the main chick? I don't think I'm ugly...I'm a good woman...I'm loving and friendly...I don't know. My heart is heavy right now. Everyday is a struggle to get outta bed. And when its not a struggle and I'm feeling good, something'll happen like a dream or phone call or whatever that'll just make me go back. So when he was telling me about the chick who told on him, he told me that he loved her. Then he fixed his mouth to tell me that he was in love me...that he thought that he loved her but he didn't 'cause he didn't feel the same way about her that he felt about me. Why would a man say such things if they're not true? And he said that he cared about me and valued our friendship and wanted us to stay friends but was that a lie? I trusted this man. I grew up with him. I figured that since I knew him from way back that he would come at me correct. How stupid of me.
I can't trust or open up to another man...especially right now. There are so many times when I wish that everything didn't end up like this. I wish he hadn't gotten caught...I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him...I wish he had told me the truth from the beginning...I wish I wasn't so stupid. I wonder how many times did he just sit and laugh at me. And to make matters worse, I had planned to go see him this Wednesday. I bought everything....so basically I'm losing my money 'cause I can't go see him now. Anyways, that's all I want to say.
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