Tuesday, April 20, 2010

O.k...here we are a few days later. Let me start with Nate. Can you believe that he's still coming at me? He wants me to give him a try? Is he serious? He's living with some woman that he's using as a place to stay. How can I respect a man who uses people, especially women? Ugh....that whole situation is crazy. I found him on FB and we started talking. He was coming at me hard but I was telling him that I had a man. We even hung out and he tried coming on to me. I hit him up because I wanted to know that I still had him as an option...I wanted to validate my self-esteem in knowing that I could get him back...to know that I was still desireable even though he dogged me. And now that I know that I could get him back...I don't want him. He's garbage to me! He's not even attractive. He wasn't even a good lay...I mean, I didn't enjoy it (TMI...sorry). Then on top of Nate, I got Chris blowing me up talking about he want me to hit him up when I'm serious about being with a real man. Days after Alfonse, he texting me saying "Hey Sexy"...its too soon. Why don't guys get that? But I don't want Chris either. He's so not attractive to me...and I'm not saying he's ugly cause I can't call anyone ugly; but he's not attractive to me. But I do need to do something to get my mind off of Alfonse. Speaking of him...I talked to him yesterday. I went to the clinic with Anita to get a bunch of tests done, including the BIG P test (whole 'other story :-0 ) and I get an email from him telling me that his doctors told him to cut off all communication with me. So basically, we're cutting each other out of our lives - something he promised that would NEVER happen. Its gonna be like we never knew each other. If we ever have a OLGH reunion, I wouldn't be allowed to talk to him. I probably wouldn't even go 'cause his wife knows that we went to elementary school together and she knows my name. When I read the email, I broke down again. I was driving and had to pull over on the side of the road. Anita got freaked out 'cause she's never seen me emotional - and she's bipolar lol. But after the cry fit, I called him. I didn't know what to say but I knew that email was too impersonal and this was too much of an final act to just accept through email. We, at first, texted cause he wanted to know if I was upset...understatement of the year lol. Then he called me. I was sitting in the driveway. As I said before, I didn't know what to say so I started talking from my heart. I don't know if that was a mistake or not but I knew I needed to say something or do something.

I told him that this was the hardest thing I ever had to do in life. I told him that I felt so stupid for believing him. I told him that I was going to have a hard tiime moving on because I always shielded myself from love to avoid feeling how I am feeling now. I don't even remember all of what I said. I do remember telling him that because I loved him, I wanted to best for him which was being with his family. Ummm....my memory sucks!!! I asked him about the other women and told him about seeing his FB account still on my phone. I told him that I changed my name on FB to avoid any nasty messages from anyone. I told him that I saw Brandi who is gorgeous btw. I was just rambling on that I accidently told him about the BIG P test. While friends were telling me that I needed to tell him but I was looking at my motives for doing that. Would I be telling him to hold on to him? And I don't want to jeopardize his family and his treatment. How can I say I love him only to enable him? When you love somebody, you sacrifice for the greater good regardless of feelings. I do remember telling him that I want the best for him even though I lose in the end. I wish I could be selfish right now but I would pay for it in the end. So anyways, when I told him about the possible P, he started starting worrying. I felt bad that he had more to stress about but then a small part of me felt justified as payback for all the stress he put me through. I don't think I'm pregnant...I really don't. We've dodged that bullet for the past year and an half only to have it come up now?!? Pregnancy - its a complicated situation that makes me re-evaluate my feelings and emotions. I came to grips with the fact that I could be pregnant. I'm not scared anymore. But I had to question myself as to why I'm not scared anymore. Is it because secretly I'm hoping this will keep him in my life? And I think that might be the answer...actually it is the answer. But that's not the right answer for my life or his life or the baby's life or his family's life. I'm that factor that determines success or failure in his marriage. I hate that cause that can grow to resentment and hatred and anger. I couldn't take it if he hated me. Is that crazy? So I told him that whatever the outcome is, he doesn't have to worry about it 'cause I would handle things on my own. Would I have the baby? Would I give it up for adoption? Would I abort the baby? I can't even think on things like that! So I told him to take care of himself and have a nice life. That was the absolutely hardest thing I ever had to do. I was hyperventilating and crying as I was saying it. Then he said the unthinkable...he said that he loved me. What little composure I had immediately left...it took me by surprise that through everything, he still felt that way. And he said that saying goodbye to me was the hardest thing he ever had to do, too. Could I believe him? Was he lying? But it made me feel better that I wasn't the only one suffering. I think part of the issue for me was believing that he was not feeling any loss...that his sole focus was on his wife and family and to hell with everyone else. At the end of the conversation, I felt better...I had actually talked to Alfonse, my McDreamy instead of Fonse. I will forever miss Alfonse.

And everything I'm saying here is something I could never tell my friends 'cause they would never understand. Neecy asked me if he told me tomorrow that he couldn't let me go and for me to stay, what would be my response. I told her my initial response would be a quick and happy OK. But as I thought about it, I would have to tell him no because I want the best for him and that's to work at his marriage. And if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't want no woman waiting in the wings hoping for my marriage to fail. I even contemplated on taking that trip tomorrow but I can't go. It wouldn't be fair to me...to him...to his wife...to his kids. I had to tell myself that everytime I go, something comes up and I end up leaving more frustrated and disappointed than I did going. I had to remind of November and tell myself who was really calling the shots. Would I have loved to have one last kiss? One last touch? One last hug? Look into his eyes one last time? Feel him close to me one last time? See his smile one last time? Hold his hand one last time? Memorize his face and features and smell and fingers for the last time? Yeah I would have loved that but it can't happen. I gotta forget him and for the past 5 minutes that Alicia Keys song "Unthinkable" is playing in my head. Did I talk about the history with that song?

He was distant for some reason and I hadn't heard from him a minute. I think it was on one of our "breaks" and I was coping with us breaking up. I was strong...maybe because I knew it wasn't officially over...idk. Anyways, he calls me while I'm at work with a whole bunch of noise in the background and he was talking real cryptic. Now I remember...it was January when he told me about his mother-in-law going over his phone bill. So I didn't call and text 'cause I didn't want him to get caught up. He calls me, which I thought was dangerous, and says that he's listening to this song "Unthinkable" and he wanted me to find it and listen to it and let him know what I thought about it. Only thing...he told me the wrong title for the song so I was searching for this song. Finally I got the real name of it and listened to it. It wasn't nothing special until read the lyrics. And he said that when he heard that song, he immediately thought of me and our time in Chicago (December). He told me that he wanted to play this song that Sunday night and he wanted to say those things. He said that he had been playing that song back-to-back and his felt that he deserved me. So I bought the song and its on my phone. Now when I hear that song, I smile instead of crying so that means growth, right? Anyways, gotta go. TTYL.