Wednesday, April 29, 2010 - DAY 4

Today is DAY 4 of not talking to Alfonse. It sounds so crazy when you say it because what is 4 days? Really? And I shouldn't want to talk to him. But when you're in it, it's something completely different. I think I lost myself and I need to find ME again 'cause this is crazy. Why can't I leave this man alone? Well, I have no choice at this point because I deleted his phone number from my phone so even if I wanted to call him I couldn't. And that's not exactly the truth either because I wrote his number down on a card he gave me and stuck that in my closet so I could get the number anytime I want but I won't do that. BLAH BLAH BLAH...lol.

Anyways, I am catching up on my homework. All I have to do is my paper and take this stupid quiz. I am optimistic about this. I had the craziest dream last night. I don't remember everything but I will talk about what I do remember. I remember Mr. Watson being a security guard who was losing his hair. He had a bald spot in the middle of his head that he hid with a wig of some sort. It was pretty pathetic. Then I dreamt that we all went to Sharon Bell's house and it was BAD. She had this bathroom that was kinda like a locker room shower but more modern. She was all caked up with Brice...which was weird. Tanzella was jealous...odd. That's all I remember now....there was more but it was this morning that I had that dream.

I didn't wake up at 7:30am this morning. I didn't expect him to call. However, I do expect to hear from him sometime this week. So the question I must ask is this: What am I going to do if I don't hear from him? And I guess the answer is this: I will be hurt but somehow still hold on. I just wonder if he misses me the way I miss him. Neecey said that he probably don't miss me 'cause if he did, he would've called by now. And I have to agree with that. If a man wants to talk to you, he will talk to you. If he wants to see you, he will see you. If he wants to call you, he will call you. And he hasn't done any of those things so that means that he doesn't want to do those things. And I can't get mad about that because he wasn't mine from the beginning. But I do miss him so much. I guess I'm having trouble with the whole "no closure" thing. And I do have abandonment issues and a problem with change. And I have alienated 95% of my friends so I am kinda lonely now. I pick up my phone and go through over 100 numbers but only call 1 or 2 people. I did want to say that he meant alot to me. He was the reason I went back to school. He was the reason I want to move out. He basically motivated me to live life again. I had given up on all of that - marriage, family, career, house, happiness, fulfillment. But he helped me realize that those things were within my reach. And he helped me realize that I was an attractive, sexy, desirable woman. He means alot to me. And even if I can't be with him, I wanted us to still be friends. I wanted him to be my Earl or Jay. But I guess its hard to be friends with someone who you don't really know or is selfish. And moving on will be difficult. Just take Chris for example...ugh I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Do you believe he had the nerve to post on FB asking for the qualifications of wifey material. Don't this nigga gotta be hubby material first???? He couldn't even open the f-ing gate for a woman in the flippin' rain. And...I will remain a lady and keep my comments to myself. But that evening was HORRIBLE. I would never do that again. Did I even talk about that evening? If not, that will definitely be my next post. I had Kesha (whom I didn't tell everything) and Neecey (who knows everything) crackin' up laughing. It was so bad. Nate is trying to get at me. I can't do that. He does definitely have some kind of appeal but I can't put my finger on what it is. It ain't no sex appeal 'cause I don't find myself sexually drawn to him. Maybe its nostalgic. Whatever it is, I can see myself hanging out with him but not going on no date with him. He ain't even got a car. I don't drive niggas around. I think I need to pull out my LIST again and keep with it.

And speaking of sex, I think I am going to circumcise myself lol. Something is wrong with me...sexually. I can't "get" there with a partner. Why is that? So there is no appeal for me to even go back out there and hook up 'cause hooking up is wasted on me. Do you think I'll be like that when I get married? These are problems that I'm sure many women, even saved women, face and I want to help them. I love dealing with taboo issues. So when I told Alpacino that I wanted to be a sex therapist, his face was priceless. I can help women like me who enjoy the act of sex but can't close the deal. HAHA...just thinking of Sunday night. Well, let me go so I can get some kind of sleep. TTYL

XOXO