I wasn't gonna blog this but...ugh I can't help it. Now before I start, I will be more conscious of my pronouns and be clearer in my text. I was told that my writing can be a tad confusing. This past week has been so great. I haven't had one panic attack. I haven't unnecessarily cried. I haven't obsessed over Alfonse. I haven't had the urge to call him. I am proud of myself. I really am. It feels good to be back. And because I haven't thought of Alfonse, I thought that I was over him. I thought that he was a distant memory. I rely on the "outta-sight-outta-mind" theory. However, I text-talked to Alfonse today. And, of course, it didn't end too well. I made one my infamous sarcastic comments and he blew it off. I could tell he was upset but he said that he wasn't. I've had over a year of experience in dealing and deciphering his words. So I called him on his bull and let it go. If it were anyone else, I would've let it ride...just be a jerk and move on. However, I feel bad. Why? I have no clue. I wanna call him, email him or text him and apologize. But why should I? That's how I felt. So I am writing about it to relieve my mind of the undeserved and immature guilt that is eating away at me.
Now let's talk about feelings. I made a comment that feelings suck and Alfonse responded that they don't because they're real. And when he said that, I then realized why I've been single for so long and why I'm not married. Feelings are unpredictable. Feelings leave people vulnerable. Feelings let people in. Those are all the reasons why I avoid feelings. They don't allow you to think clearly. They make you crazy. You can't control yourself when feelings are involved. I'm so deathly afraid of feelings. They make you dumb. You end up in love with somebody that doesn't love you or somebody you can't have. Yes, I'm talking about Alfonse but it applies to everyone. When one person makes a fool out of themselves for feelings...or make rash decisions because of feelings, its stupid. But I want to be in a relationship. I want to be married. But I just don't want to experience the bad part of feelings, ya know? I like thinking rationally and clearly. I like thinking with my head and not my heart. I like the freedom that comes with not having feelings. I just don't like the freedom of being alone. Such a conundrum. But why were we talking about feelings? He said something to me that made me feel good and those feelings tried to creep back in but I stopped them. He said that he missed the hell outta me and that he missed only me and not the other women. Should I even believe that? I find it hard to believe that he doesn't miss Brandi. Especially after 10-years. I just wish he would be honest and try not to spare my feelings. I'mma sure thing and the sweet talk is not needed on me. But if he didn't do it, I would probably be pissed. Or maybe he does mean it and I'm pushing him away to spare me from getting hurt or having feelings for him. I asked myself what would I do if he told me that he loved me and I can't even allow myself to think about that. And I couldn't tell him that because that would open Pandora's box for me. Blah blah blah....lol. Moving on...
I call Brian on his BS and he got mad at me. He told me that my opinion of him was really low and if that's how I felt about him, then he'd just leave me alone. I know I was right about him. There is nothing he can say to make me change my mind. He was strolling online looking for young women. And he said that it wasn't him but his little cousin, Trevor. Yeah right nigga! I ain't dumb. Another loser bites the dust. And he said that he was going to delete my number like that was supposed to hurt my feelings. I have never once called him. I've answered one of every five calls from him. And him deleting my number was supposed to hurt? Whateva!
I went to my first hibachi grill today. It was so much fun. As you may or may not already know, the chef cooks your food right in front of you. Our chef put on a show for us. I had so much fun. I drank, I laughed and I had fun. This place is a great date place which made me think of Alfonse. I wonder is that because I spoke to him today. But I quickly forgot about him for the duration of the evening. There was so much food! I brought 95% of mine home. The afternoon was so long. I didn't expect to be out so long. I was just supposed to go to Panera Bread to do homework. How we made it to the grill is beyond me. Then we went to Borders but there was no room to do homework so we sat in the parking lot and people watched. I had so much fun. It was a change of scenery and it took my mind off of everything. Now I'm back home and still avoiding doing homework lol.
I need to get ready for tomorrow. Its Girls Night Out where we are going to see Sex and The City 2. We're getting all dressed up and going to the W Hotel afterwards to drink Cosmos and flirt with sexy guys. I think we're going to have fun!!! I also think Candace is back with Nisan. I can't say anything to her about it because....who am I to say anything?
Alpacino is preaching at some church in Elgin and he invited me to come out. I told him that I would try to make it but I'm not coming. I really like him but he's too conservative for me. I'm a liberal at heart. I like to do things for shock value. I like to rebel against the norm. I like being a free spirit. I can't see him making out in an elevator. I can't see him dancing in the rain. Or going skinny dipping lol. Those are the types of things I like to do. But he didn't say anything about what I had on last Sunday. And the girls were on full parade. Marquetta said that when I walked in the door, the first thing you saw was my boobs. Y'all know that was not my intention, right? It was the dress (the colorful dress that I wore in August, remember Alfonse? haha) and not me. The worst part was the fact that I had to wear it to 35th Street AND sit with the church mothers. I felt like the biggest sinner (no pun intended lol) in the world. Well, gotta go.
Now let's talk about feelings. I made a comment that feelings suck and Alfonse responded that they don't because they're real. And when he said that, I then realized why I've been single for so long and why I'm not married. Feelings are unpredictable. Feelings leave people vulnerable. Feelings let people in. Those are all the reasons why I avoid feelings. They don't allow you to think clearly. They make you crazy. You can't control yourself when feelings are involved. I'm so deathly afraid of feelings. They make you dumb. You end up in love with somebody that doesn't love you or somebody you can't have. Yes, I'm talking about Alfonse but it applies to everyone. When one person makes a fool out of themselves for feelings...or make rash decisions because of feelings, its stupid. But I want to be in a relationship. I want to be married. But I just don't want to experience the bad part of feelings, ya know? I like thinking rationally and clearly. I like thinking with my head and not my heart. I like the freedom that comes with not having feelings. I just don't like the freedom of being alone. Such a conundrum. But why were we talking about feelings? He said something to me that made me feel good and those feelings tried to creep back in but I stopped them. He said that he missed the hell outta me and that he missed only me and not the other women. Should I even believe that? I find it hard to believe that he doesn't miss Brandi. Especially after 10-years. I just wish he would be honest and try not to spare my feelings. I'mma sure thing and the sweet talk is not needed on me. But if he didn't do it, I would probably be pissed. Or maybe he does mean it and I'm pushing him away to spare me from getting hurt or having feelings for him. I asked myself what would I do if he told me that he loved me and I can't even allow myself to think about that. And I couldn't tell him that because that would open Pandora's box for me. Blah blah blah....lol. Moving on...
I call Brian on his BS and he got mad at me. He told me that my opinion of him was really low and if that's how I felt about him, then he'd just leave me alone. I know I was right about him. There is nothing he can say to make me change my mind. He was strolling online looking for young women. And he said that it wasn't him but his little cousin, Trevor. Yeah right nigga! I ain't dumb. Another loser bites the dust. And he said that he was going to delete my number like that was supposed to hurt my feelings. I have never once called him. I've answered one of every five calls from him. And him deleting my number was supposed to hurt? Whateva!
I went to my first hibachi grill today. It was so much fun. As you may or may not already know, the chef cooks your food right in front of you. Our chef put on a show for us. I had so much fun. I drank, I laughed and I had fun. This place is a great date place which made me think of Alfonse. I wonder is that because I spoke to him today. But I quickly forgot about him for the duration of the evening. There was so much food! I brought 95% of mine home. The afternoon was so long. I didn't expect to be out so long. I was just supposed to go to Panera Bread to do homework. How we made it to the grill is beyond me. Then we went to Borders but there was no room to do homework so we sat in the parking lot and people watched. I had so much fun. It was a change of scenery and it took my mind off of everything. Now I'm back home and still avoiding doing homework lol.
I need to get ready for tomorrow. Its Girls Night Out where we are going to see Sex and The City 2. We're getting all dressed up and going to the W Hotel afterwards to drink Cosmos and flirt with sexy guys. I think we're going to have fun!!! I also think Candace is back with Nisan. I can't say anything to her about it because....who am I to say anything?
Alpacino is preaching at some church in Elgin and he invited me to come out. I told him that I would try to make it but I'm not coming. I really like him but he's too conservative for me. I'm a liberal at heart. I like to do things for shock value. I like to rebel against the norm. I like being a free spirit. I can't see him making out in an elevator. I can't see him dancing in the rain. Or going skinny dipping lol. Those are the types of things I like to do. But he didn't say anything about what I had on last Sunday. And the girls were on full parade. Marquetta said that when I walked in the door, the first thing you saw was my boobs. Y'all know that was not my intention, right? It was the dress (the colorful dress that I wore in August, remember Alfonse? haha) and not me. The worst part was the fact that I had to wear it to 35th Street AND sit with the church mothers. I felt like the biggest sinner (no pun intended lol) in the world. Well, gotta go.
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