Panic Attacks

I have been on a "finding-a-new-job" kick for the past few weeks. I have to find something better by the summertime because I refuse to live another summer scrapping by. And I want to definitely move out by this summer or the end of the summer. But I can't stay here too much longer. I need to get my life together. I need my space...to just get over everything. I need my privacy. And I hate all the tension in this house. I am starting to have panic attacks. Last Sunday, I had three within an hour's time. I was watching "Grey's Anatomy" and I started to have one. Then about ten minutes later comes another one. I went thirty minutes and another came on. I don't know exactly what's triggering them but they are not fun at all. What do they feel like? I get all anxious and panicky all of a sudden. Then I feel like crying and I have labored breathing. My stomach gets all nervy. It could have been that I was watching McDreamy which reminds me of Alfonse. Then today we were shopping for Mothers Day cards in the Hallmark store and they started up again. Could it be that I was reminded of when Alfonse and I went to that store and he picked those cards for me? Could be...I don't know but I had about three within a two-hour period. I was doing so good and then this weekend happened. I knew that deep down I was dreading this weekend but I don't know exactly why.

I talked to Earl the other day. He said that he wants to hook me up but y'all know that makes me nervous, right? I can't trust him 'cause he'll pull somebody like But 'n Guts out the bag. Then he mentioned Daniel. Baby bye....I can't do another married man, especially Daniel. He seems like he's on something. Even if I choose to do another married man, I want to come first. I want to feel like I'm EXTREMELY important and he doesn't seem to have that capability. He can't even call people back. So the answer there is no. But I gave Earl my qualifications and he's gonna work his magic. We'll see what he brings....haha.

I talked to Alfonse a few days ago. I think Thursday is the day that he checks up on me. I told him that I was great and he said that he missed me and that I'm always in his heart. I don't know what that exactly means...but I don't want to wait around to find out. I can't wait on him anymore so I'm moving on. It's just hard when you don't get a chance to say goodbye, ya know? There are still so many questions and emotions and feelings here. Mr. Arnold actually had the nerves to ask me to let him see my breasts. Is he crazy??? He must don't know that I know about him and you-know-who. I don't do sloppy seconds. That's why I won't give Nate another chance...that and I'm not attracted to him. As I stated before, he does have an appeal but I'm older now so I don't have to give in to find out what the appeal is. But Arnold got some nerve. He actually thought that I was going to give in to him? At school? How tacky. I'm not the "in-the-car" or cheap motel chick anymore. I'm older and wiser now. And the sex won't be that good anyways so why chance or cheapen it? And the niggas on BP are garbage!!! One guy keeps hitting me up asking to get close to me but he's not cute. He has these long nails like Tara's brother, Ryan, and that is definitely a turn-off to me. Then he always looks mean in his pictures. So no! Then this old-head keeps hitting me up saying he wants to taste me. Ugh...how tacky!!!! If I don't know you, then you shouldn't EVER say that to me. I'm a lady *in my Wanda voice*! It's hard being celibate but I ain't got no choice. I'm not having sex again until I'm married...or its Alfonse. Why do I make that distinction? Who knows? But that's where I am right now. And even then, I need to keep it on lock down 'cause its controlling me instead of me controlling it. I said that I'm going to start fasting every Wednesday. I even prayed about this situation with Alfonse. I would discuss what I prayed about but I don't know if Alfonse reads this or somebody who would throw stuff in my face so I'm going to be quiet on it. But all I can say is that after the prayer, I felt peace about everything. So thank you God!!! That's it for now. XOXO