Saturday, May 15, 2010

Ok...I'm in a pickle. He found my blog AND read it....well, You found it 'cause I know that you're going to come back. While I am validated in my feelings, I didn't want you to know how I was feeling. I guess I wanted you to think that my life was fabulous. I think it was too late to have you believe that you meant nothing to me. I'm trying to take everyone's advice..."cut him out" "move on" "get laid one good time and you'll forget him" "fight for what you want" "make him think that you've moved on" "focus on healing and get back in church" "give him time". The question is: What do I want to do? I don't know what I want to do but I do know that I want this pain to go away. So I'm pushing myself which might be the cause of my panic attacks 'cause I'm not dealing with anything but ignoring it. I think I should see that therapist. Anyways, you said that he read everything and felt like shit because of how I felt about you. I could've sworn I told you every chance I got how I felt. But that's neither here nor there. It is what it is. I can't change what happened. I swear to God I wish I could but can't. What we were doing was wrong....crazy wrong. And I know that you reap what you sow...and I got some sowing to reap. And I'm sorry for causing pain to your wife. I'm sorry for causing pain to your family. I'm basically sorry for my actions. I knew better but I didn't want to do right. I never thought that I would fall in love with you. I didn't think I was capable of falling in love because I'm such a standoffish jerk sometimes. The crazy thing that I was just thinking about yesterday after talking to Neicey is that before December, I had the capability to walk away. I wasn't in this so deep. I still had my priorities straight....well, quasi-straight. But after December, I let everything go. I said okay to everything....giving you forever, having your baby, moving to Philly, the sex stuff (which I was actually excited about doing but just didn't tell you) and believing you in spite of the red flags. So to ask me to move on is ludicrous right now. I can't move on...I won't move on. I think I need to just be here for a moment and maybe the nostalgia will wear off. 'Cause everyone I meet, I compare them to you. And because I am so genuine in my feelings and can't fake anything, I can't take advantage of guys like Robbie from Boston. Especially if he wants something in return. I'm sure he's gonna wanna have sex with me if he flew me there for a week. I'm not ready to have sex. And something about him ain't right. I wanted to run that by you and get your opinion on it. He keeps calling me 'baby' and stuff. I don't know him well enough for that. Or am I being silly? And he said that he's a comedian and knows all these famous people and go to these celebrity outings...is he just saying that? And then talking to him is boring most times. He always says, "Oh no he didn't." What is that? And he talks to me like I'm slow. For example...he was telling me about his MARTIN episode and I told him that I knew every episode done word-for-word. He kept telling me about it like he didn't believe me and was asking me, "You remember that?" Hell yeah I remember it. It was only when I told him what happened next in the episode did he say, "Oh remember that, huh?" Was he not listening to me? Isn't that odd? Then when I asked him about church, he really put his foot in his mouth. He started telling me about different gospel songs and quizzing me about knowing them. Who quizzes people nowadays? Then he told me about this midget that wanted to have sex with him and he said that he wanted to do it but it didn't work out for some stupid reason. But who admits to wanting to have sex with a midget...an old midget at that? Unless you're Eddie Murphy, it don't come over that well. I lost respect for him. Then he kept texting me that he wanted a picture of me. For what? I'm being silly, aren't I? Then he kept hinting that he wanted me to call him "Daddy." I don't think he's the one for me. I can't call another man that after you. It felt wrong and he said that he was gonna call me mommy. Isn't that too soon? Too soon and too much? I think I humored it all at first 'cause I was horny but I can't do that. Why not? It would feel wrong...I would definitely regret it...and he's not who I want sexually. Anyways, I needed advice on that. Why does it seem like thats the only thing that guys are interested in? Sex? While I am horny right now, I'm not looking for that. I'm looking for a friend but guys say that if they don't have a shot at it, then they don't want to put forth the effort of being friends. Why is that? I think I'm destined to be alone...boo! I just need friends right now. My friends (except Neicey) think that I'm fine...that I'm over you. And I gotta play that part. So when I'm missing you or feeling sad, I don't have anyone to talk to but this blog. So what did you wanna say in response to the email? I do wanna respond to the text you sent me earlier. I don't know if I believe you when you say that you fight to not call me in the morning or that you were jealous of the other guys cause that would mean that you still like me...that you still love me. And that you think about us all of the time. I loved hearing it...it made me feel good so thank you for that. I was starting to feel undesirable and rejected...a major ego blow to anybody. Yeah I got niggas in my face but they don't know me so they're acting on some fantasy playing in their head. You, on the other hand, know me. You know the good and the bad...and the really really bad. You've seen me...my heart and my mind. And you still love me...you still like me. In spite of my flip-flop behavior and crazy antics, you still like me and that's somebody who I would want to never leave me. Because if you leave me, then I will think its because I'm unlikable and a horrible person. Crazy huh? That's my underlying fear that people won't like me (just I don't like me sometimes) because of my past. I think that's why I make excuses for people because I would want to make to do the same for me. So yeah, we can't be together (boo!) but we can be friends. I'll take something rather than nothing from you. So did u think about my question? I REALLY wanna take advantage of that so let me know ASAP. And like I said, if you say no then its cool. But know that I REALLY wanna take advantage of that....I mean, REALLY REALLY. No pressure, though lol.
*******************OKAY YOU CAN STOP READING NOW!!!!!!!!!!***********************

I had so much fun last night!!! OMG...and to think that I didn't even want to go at first. It was me, Erika, Candace and Aaron. He is so crazy! And you never know where he's coming from when he says his cryptic statements. For example, when we pasted the adult bookstore that Billy used to go to all of the time. I did a shout-out to the place and then we got on a 15-minute convo on pornography. Why would we start talking about that? And masturbation? Haha...he is so dumb. He said that he didn't need porn 'cause his mind is dirty enough. Yeah right...that's what Rico told me one time. He said that his life was a porno flick. These niggas...you gotta love 'em, though. Aaron gets to drinking as soon as we get in the House of Blues. I think he was tipsy 'cause he got real touchy-feelly with Erika. But being in there seeing all of those couples made me sad for a moment. I started to sing my infamous song "All by myself" but then I noticed other people alone. In the past, I would justify myself by saying that I had a man and if he were there, he would be there with me. This time, I just had to tell myself that I was there to enjoy the music. And enjoy the music is exactly what I did. Mint Condition was da bomb. I hated for it to end. It was second to the BBD concert. Speaking of concerts...this is the summer for concerts. Week after next, we're going to the James Taylor and Carole King concert. That is gonna be so good. Then the end of June is the Slick Rick concert at the Taste. And CCH is having my hubby, Bobby Brown, come in. Good times!!! I'm so excited!

Nate hit me up yesterday asking me what I was doing last night. Then some guy named Michael called me and asked me what I was doing that same night. Let's start with Nate. He told me that he wanted me to put his name in the running to be my man. Is he flippin' serious? He's still talking to Sylvia..ugh! And he doesn't get that I need time before I could jump into another relationship. Why can't they get that? That was one of the MANY problems I had with Chris. Speaking of....he hit me up on FB asking me why I stopped talking to him. I told him that he could've called or texted me. He then told me that he had texted me a couple of times but I didn't respond. Yeah right. So I asked him why didn't he call me when he saw that I didn't respond to him and then he pulls that same shit outta his ass. He was like, "You could've called me the same way?" Where do these guys get the notion that women are supposed to flock to them. What happened to the chase? So I told him that since he f-ed up the first date (I just threw up a bit in my mouth again lol), that he should work hard to make it up to me. I mentioned EVERYTHING!!! I mentioned the fact that this nigga couldn't open the gate to his house for me while I'm wrestling with an umbrella in heels and my purse. He stood at the door and said hastily, "Come on...come on." I will never forget that for the rest of my life haha. Then he had me sitting with his mama for about 15-minutes. Then he just motioned for me to follow him...had nothing planned for this so-called date...didn't turn on no lights when I was leaving...didn't tell me that he was at the door when I was ready to leave...played on his f-ing phone majority of the time. Are you f-ing serious? I'm getting pissed just thinking about it all over again. Then he turns defensive about me meeting his family. Then he says that she asked about me and said that I was wifey material and she really liked me. From one meeting? Really? Then he says that she was in the hospital. So now I seem like a jerk so I told him to tell her I said hi and was praying for her. Then I logged off FB...lol. I'm such a jerk but I don't like him. He looks like a pit bull. And all that "stunnin" he does is fake! The gold chains, expensive liquor bottles, etc. are all a front. It don't make him look better...it makes him look like a joke. Enough of him. Back to this Michael. I don't remember him at all. He said I met him at the store...what store? He couldn't remember. Anyways, he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him that evening. I think that's undercover talk for "let's have sex." I told him that I was busy and asked him what he was doing the next day. I wasn't planning on going out with him but call him. He said that he didn't know what tomorrow would bring and that he lived life day-by-day. What an asshole thing to say!!! So I blew him off and he was like if I wanted to hang out with him, I should give him a call. Does he know that he will NEVER get a call from me? This attitude is crazy! Anyways, "Dead Like Me" is on and I got two papers due by Tuesday so gotta go. And I'm sleepy as hell. Aaron kept me up all night playing his air guitar and drums. XOXO