Unthinkable

I was doing okay trying to ignore and forget everything. There are times when I think on it all but I think I was doing a good job until....I saw this video on FB. This was the song that he called me and told me that he wanted to play that magical night in December. He said that he played this on repeat till the point where his wife asked him if he was in love. He said that he got mad...for what? I don't know. But he said that this song reminded him of me. So when I see the video and/or hear the song, I get upset. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep last night. Then I got upset....actually pissed. Why? Because I think of all the shit he talked. "Don't abort my baby, Carmen"...but he actually tried to talk me into do that exact thing. Why should my baby be less than? He said that he didn't want to be his father but I think he's worse because he's openly saying he wouldn't do anything or acknowledge our baby. Wow....this is the same man who talked me into having a baby then he reniggs. How could I be in love with a man like that? This has got to be love for me to be so pissed at him but still love him. I got several men fighting to be with me...giving me attention, doting for my time, giving me all that I ask for (which is not much 'cause I am low maintaince), and doing everything right. So why am I hooked on this man who has constantly showed me that he could care less about me? I think he represents all my failed attempts - Maurice, Earl, Jay, etc. Then he lied (at least I believe he did) about going to therapy. He told me that he started therapy for sex and drugs...but he told me that he was still smoking. He told me that he started couples therapy already but just told me again that he's about to start it. Why lie? Just tell me the truth! I've never lied to him (except about the preg test but I was justified 'cause he lies so much to me, I was due one and I wasn't sure about what I was going to do or how I felt...it was just too much to process at one time especially when what I believed was all a lie. I couldn't believe he tried to talk me into an abortion..that he said my baby would be a bastard. I mean, if he's like that then how many kids does he have out there? He went out on a limb for Brandi and that wasn't even his baby but I don't matter? The woman he claimed he was in love with? I'm just flabbergasted...) so why lie to me?

Anyways, Nick is so cool. He sends me random texts that he's thinking of me. He responds when I text him. He even woke up one time to text me. And he's flying me to Boston for a week....AND....he's taking me to the All-Star game in California this year. I am so excited!!! I did question why he didn't have any kids and how he dodged that bullet. He said that if it happened, then it happened. IDK...I'm still cautious but I'm gonna enjoy these trips though. He's a real cool guy. He is a bit redundant with his conversation but no one is perfect, right?

I'm still on the job search...gotta find a place to move to by the end of the summer...preferably a two-bedroom place. I also got a subpoena for that Mr. Grant trial...ugh! I don't want to go and testify. And on the day when I am leaving for NY but I can look forward to something after looking that man in the face and telling on him. I am such a chicken lol. I doubt if I can wear sunglasses. No one prepped me on what to say..anyways. Going back to bed for a few more minutes of sleep before I have to go up to the school and enroll for summer school. Or maybe I can call my counselor and do a telephone meeting. I am a working adult student...lol. XOXO