Wednesday, May 20, 2010

I promised that I would write about the good things regarding Alfonse. I know that I focus on the bad alot, especially when I'm mad so here it goes: He's a funny individual. He makes me laugh. He's easy to talk to. He's such a nerd but has the bad boy edge to him as well. He's basically the right balance of a good and bad boy. He's sensitive but not too sensitive. He's flexible...able to go with the tide. He's open-minded. He's highly intelligent....even more than me sometimes. And its hard to find people that can get over on me. Even after everything, he's loyal. What do I mean by that? He's loyal to people in his life. Did I just say that about a married man that cheats? YES I DID!!! Putting that aside, I think that there is nothing he wouldn't do for his friends. I established that by hearing how he talks about his family and friends. If he's able to do for them, he would. He's strong...he can handle things that come his way. He's a survivalist. In all, I think he's a good guy. I understand him. He's can be predictable...but there are some times when he does surprise me. Like today when my phone rang and it said "Fonse". He got on the phone saying that he didn't like what I was saying about him in my blog. I didn't like him f-ing other women....I didn't like him playing me...I didn't like him talking shit about me....I didn't like him calling me and dropping hints about him cheating with other women...I didn't like him not responding to my texts or phone calls...I didn't like him lying to me...I didn't like him not picking me up or dropping me off at the airport when I visited him...I didn't like him not appreciating all that I did for him...I didn't like him disrespecting me the other week....but I digress. He apologized for everything but for his disrespectfulness the other week. But we actually talked today and it was good. He was saying that if he saw me when/if I come to Philly, it wouldn't be closure but open-sure. Then he proceeded to tell me that he's surprised at how fast I moved on. That was him fishing....I'm so not stupid. I know him! So when he said that, I knew that he wanted something. And something he wanted...he was sick today. The doctor told him that he had bronchitis and he's a special individual when he's sick. I actually like him the best when he's sick. If I was feeling better, I would've taken advantage of this rare occasion. He did say that he wouldn't mind us talking once a week or thru this blog. So I pathetically accepted that olive branch. We also talked about what we needed for closure. And as I was talking to him, I was wondering if I had it in me to decompartmentalize sex from relationship. Would that make me a bad person? I'm not a cheater at all. I believe that if I'm with a person, then I'm with that person only!!! And I believe in being honest in my relationships. But that would make me a horrible person to tempt him back into that, wouldn't it? I made peace with the fact that we would never be a couple...well I wouldn't say peace but I have accepted it. But the "just sex" would be wonderful. But that's what we were supposed to be doing in the beginning. How did that change? What happened? I did enjoy getting his opinion on Robbie in Boston. He gave me some superficial advice on the situation. I was looking for some more in-depth information on the subject. It might be too soon? I wouldn't think so because he told me to move on...and when we were together, he would listen when I talked about other guys. I would LOVE to be able to talk to him about other guys. I didn't like the fact that he was slyly discouraging me from having him/her. I know where he's coming from. I guess he's telling me that mine would be at a disadvantage. I would trust and follow his lead wholeheartedly if I believed or even knew that he was not thinking selfishly. If I believed that he was truly thinking of me instead of him, then I would do whatever he said regarding the situation. Did he call me today to find out what I had decided? Is he reading my blog to find out what I am going to decide? I wonder why this is the one thing that I always keep from him? Anything else about me is an open book but I get angered when he asks about me being pregnant. Why is that? I think its because I feel like I'm a dirty secret that needs to be dealt with when he asks about it. But honestly? I am. So why be mad at the facts? So I guess I've made up my mind. I just don't want him to think that I'm making this decision because of him..that he can persuade me. THIS SUCKS!!! I can see hurting me but I can't allow him to hurt an innocent baby. The postpartum depression story didn't affect me. Not everyone goes thru that and there are various levels to it. I don't think I could look my baby in the face and tell him/her that they was subpar in their father's life. And then he said that he didn't know if he would even be able to come to the delivery. And if he brought his wife with him....I WOULD BE PISSED!!! And I would be PISSED if he took me on the Maury show...OMG PISSED!!! That would definitely hurt me. I think the gloves would come off and I would do everything in my power to make his life a living hell if he ever did that. So prevent that from ever happening, let's settle it now. I just don't want the baby to think that I didn't love them and I would want them to know that they were conceived in love...at least on my part. And I would want it to know that this is not personal...that he/she is special and would've been a great, loving, healthy successful and loved individual. I wonder why his wife had two abortions? Were they his babies? Did he support those decisions? What made them decide to keep Junior? Has any other woman had an abortion/miscarriage with his kids? But back to the conversation we had today...he told me that he believed that I really genuinely loved him versus saying that we really genuinely loved each other. Was that too much to ask for? It might've been...it probably was. I admitted to my plan with him. My greatest fear was/is that he'll turn me down. I would be crushed!!!!!!! And he said that I helped him appreciate his family. Me? Really?!? I wasn't the only chick...I'm sure the other ones loved him too. So why did I help him realize that? And how did I do that? I suck big-time, don't I? He said that he saw me on some Christian site....I wonder what that is about? What Christian site? If he keeps googling me, is that considered stalking? He says that he is not stalking me...should I believe him? It would be flattering if he were though. I did admit to stalking him when we first broke up. And then he said that his wife found a picture of me on his computer. What picture? I didn't send that many pics. And he had so many women, how can he assume it was me? Unless I was the only fat girl... :-( I did see the young chick...geesh she was not attractive. And she looked sloppy. Her butt and gut was hanging out her outfit. But enough about all that.

My mother...OMG! We got her to talking the other day and she was talking about how a woman should keep and play at least 5 guys at one time. And she was saying that there is nothing wrong with letting a man take you out to dinner even if you're not interested in him. And to basically play the field and get what you can from all men. How can I have come from that woman? I disagree with that completely. I am not a player, despite what Alfonse thinks. And if I just hook up with him, no strings attached sex, would he lose respect for me? Would that make me look bad? Its just that I want to get "everything" out of my system before I settle down. Or just to say that I did this or I did that (enter in your own suspicions). I was looking forward to doing all the stuff I was supposed to do. IDK...well I have my plan for June.

Anyways, today was a good day even though I am not feeling good. My stomach is killing me...it feels like really bad cramps. My lower back is throbbing, too. Everytime I breath, my stomach cramps even more. I couldn't even go to work this morning. And y'all know I don't need an excuse to call off work lol. If I don't feel better by tomorrow, I'm going to the doctor...after I come from court, that is. I am so apprehensive in going tomorrow. What would happen if I didn't turn up? What if I'm not necessarily needed tomorrow?

I did go to the second job 'cause that one is so easy and we don't do nothing anyways. Mr. Arnold...I don't even know what to say about him. Then I don't even know what to say about me either. I am ashamed to admit that I flashed a peek just because. I had no reason for doing it. He was being crude like he always is. He was talking to me but staring at my shirt. I was like "you can't see nothing noways" and I pulled at my shirt to see down my shirt. He tried looking too. I thought it was funny so I did it again and he was like "can I see that again?" So I did it for the third time. Then I asked for a juice from the backroom. He took me to get the juice which he normally would never do. So predictable....now I don't want y'all to think that I did that for some juice. I'm not a juice ho lol. So in the backroom (probably the same place he used to take my friend), he asked again to see it so I showed him. I am in no ways interested in him. He was like "since you showed me yours, i should show you mine". I was like "i'm straight". He didn't see nothing...it was just the overflow from my bra. So if he thinks he saw something, he is sadly mistaken. The crazy thing is...I didn't mind doing it. I thought it was cute and it was just something to do. Does that make me a bad girl? I think I am a bad girl :) I was watching "Divorce Court" today and this one couple was on there that struck a nerve for me. The husband was a pastor that reminded me and my dad of Alpacino (or as Earl calls him "Big Gay Al"...I gotta stop saying that 'cause its gonna come out one day). This guy was saying that his wife was dressing inappropriate for a pastor's wife. I know that I am on the edge most times, especially now, and I don't want my husband trying to change me. I can see my dad doing that to my mom. I don't want to be a role model to a bunch of women. I wanna be me...and if you think that's something to look up to, then by all means, look up to me. But I'm not going to bite my tongue or change my actions or thoughts because of others. That's just one of the reasons why I won't date or marry a minister or pastor. Brad was probably the only pastor that I would've done...and that was before I saw his feet. CTFU!!! And I can hear Earl in my ear saying "what about Daniel?" I think Daniel is like that, too. And that's why Charley and I didn't work out. I'm not going to live my life for others....is that a contradiction. I was ready to lay it all on the line for Alfonse, wasn't I?

There has been a new side to me that was opened. I've tried all of my life to keep it suppressed and hidden but its out now. And while I know that I have got to control it, I like it. I mean...you should've seen Big Gay Al's face when I told him that I wanted to be a sex therapist. Could you imagine what he would do if he got the business? He would probably rebuke me in Jesus' name lol. OMG....Brian is blowing my phone up. If I didn't answer the first 5 times, why keep calling me? I bet he thinks I am still coming to NY tomorrow. He's gorgeous but he's showing to be ugly with his burning lust. And the way he talks on the phone with that pedophile raspy voice. He just takes me back to ALPG and dealing with those perverts. I bet he probably called us a few times lol. Well this weekend is gonna be fun! I'm getting two bottles of Nuvo and having a private party. Maybe I shouldn't 'cause I'll be all alone with no "assistance" in sight. I really gotta get this together. Everything I see is sex sex sex. I tried to keep this on lockdown but the cat is out the cage. I need help to put it back again.

You know what annoys the hell outta me? When people who try too hard to sing. For example, Candace is here trying to sang. Its like watching a baby cat try to walk for the first time (WTF???LOL), it may start off as graceful but it gets sloppy then may go back to graceful only to go back to sloppy. And its the bravado that she puts in her voice....either keep it the whole time or let it go. And the tone is not good but she is a solid singer. CTFU...I need to stop picking. I think I'm just aggrevated. And it'll be silent for a few minutes and she'll just break out in singing. Don't everyone want to hear that!!!! Next post, I gotta tell u about this movie I saw called "The American Crime"...it was so sad. XOXO