I'm a bit lost in myself. I feel unsexy and undesirable. I guess its the side effect of a break-up and everything that brought. But that's how I feel. So today when I was talking to Mr. Arnold, I might've went too far but it felt good. Now y'all know that I'm so not attracted to him. And even on my worst day, I wouldn't go there because you-know-who went there. And that's disturbing and gross! I might've overstepped my bounds by alluding to him that I knew about that. Ooops! lol. But back to the story....So I showed him one of the pictures I took in November, Why? I don't really know why. But the whole conversation was inappropriate...he was saying that I talk alot of stuff and that I was probably frigid. That's weird to me considering I've never even told him anything about me sexually. He's always assumed and make assumptions. And I always call him a retard and laugh it off. I've never corrected him. So when he does things like push up on me or tries to look down my shirt, I just laugh it off 'cause there's no chance for us. But today, I was feeling vulnerable....really vulnerable. And I hate feeling that way!!! So I led him on. I let him touch me and he even licked my neck (which is my spot) and I could see myself allowing it to continue and go further but I stopped it for obvious reasons, of course. I'm working towards being celibate. The way I did it last time was to turn off everything and shy away from men. I didn't date, talk to or even think about men during my last stretch. That's probably why I'm not married 'cause I never opened that door. But I want to be married...I wanna a family. But I don't know how to do this. And in the class tonite, we were asked: What do you want in a man? And think of things that are not physical. So what do I want? A man who is intelligent, loving, open, honest, know how to communicate, charming, strong, caring, selfless, willing to take care of me (but not support me 'cause I can do that myself), giving, hardworking and handsome. My standards are not all that high lol. Its been an entire week since I've had a panic attack. I'm rather surprised especially after this weekend. And I haven't even thought about Alfonse. It makes me sad to admit that. Does it mean that I'm falling out of love? And if that's the case, then did I really love him? Or am I just coming to grips with everything? I definitely would've thought that he would've been on my mind this weekend but he wasn't. I guess its because I had to do everything by myself...all alone and I didn't have time to think about him. I don't feel any different about him...but I'm not as obsessed about him. Rather...I'm not too worried about him anymore. He says that he's good and I guess that's true. He doesn't need me anymore. And I'm learning to not need him anymore. The first time I learned that was when I had my concert. I was so scared that I couldn't even breath. I wanted so desperately to call him and have him talk me down but I didn't. And I completed my concert without any help and I was proud of myself. At first, I wanted to talk to him after each class but I'm learning to do things without support of others. I've come to grips that he won't be there when I graduate....he won't be there when I'm lonely or sad...or sick. And I'm not moving on for a while. I need to figure things out right now. I'm so fine that its scary. I'm not sad...I'm not angry...am I disappointed? Have I lost respect for him? Has something changed? Like I said before, I still think he's a good man. Yeah he has his faults. Who doesn't? He has the potential to be great and I see that. But I think I am disappointed though. When I texted with him on the other day, I was halfway expecting a phone call. Just to hear his voice and his concern and condolences but I didn't. Or maybe I don't allow myself to think about it. I don't know but it is what it is. And I'm tired of talking about it haha. I'm watching this movie In America. It is so good...I'm about to cry. I am watching this family struggle together and I asked myself: Would I struggle with the man that I loved? And I say yeah. It would be hard but whoever that man would be would be resilient and smart and able to carry us through that hard time. And I would never doubt him and always trust him. Is that a fault of mine? Too quick to trust people? Maybe. But this movie is touching and now I'm starting to cry. Oh shoot...the mother is giving birth and the baby is at risk. And the father is there with her telling her that everything is gonna be okay......even when she's going through her emotional tough times. But like I said, I gotta learn to do this alone.
A question was posed to me: What do you want? I knew what I wanted but I knew I didn't need it
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