A Love Story

I am so crazy tired. It's so bad 'cause I need to finish my paper. However, I decided to write before I start on my paper. Where to start...let's start with my talk with Robbie. He called me yesterday and we talked a long while. He told me that he was hurt that I lied to him and that I was still talking and hung up on Alfonse. He thought that Alfonse was a distant memory and no issue in my life. I apologized and admitted to him that he was just a rebound. I was just talking to him to get my mind off of Alfonse. He said that he knew that and accepted that because he really likes me. I didn't have it in me to tell him about Kevin. Robbie won't work because he's long-distance. He's so sweet and caring and nice and attentive but I can't see this going anywhere. I told him all of that and he asked me to give him a chance. I started to cry because it was a different pace from what I had been dealing with these past few months. So I told him that I would give him a chance. But I don't know what that means. Does it mean that we're a couple? That I need to start being honest with him? That it's only me and him exclusively? Honestly? I don't think I want that. What I want is what I can't have and what I can have is what I don't want. Does that make me a sick individual? Nate is circling the sea telling me that he's a better choice because he's not a stranger. What a convincing line, huh? lol. I'm not attracted to Nate. Besides, he's not single. He's got that old lady he's living with. What kind of man lays up on a woman giving her hope that they're together? Then there's Kevin. I don't know how exactly I feel about him. I was definitely infatuated with him. I love his accent. I love how he looks. I love that he makes me smile and laugh. And I didn't feel guilty after we had sex. Normally I feel guilty and regretful afterwards, but I didn't with Kevin....or Alfonse. Those were the only two. I wonder why? I don't know.

I lied to Alfonse. I wrote him an email that basically said that I was cool with us breaking up. And for the most part, I was serious. But I have to be honest with myself, especially now. Alfonse is not holding me back; I'm holding me back. I lived my life in fear of being hurt or played. I played it safe by withholding my feelings and just hooking up whenever I needed to. Then after that, I just dealt with the loneliness by myself. Now after opening myself to somebody, I see that its not as bad as I thought it was. Yeah, I hurt but I got my memories of him to keep me satisfied. I am grateful that he entered my life. I truly cherish him. And if I didn't remember him from grammar school, I would think that his "Fonse" persona was truly him. But I remember why I had a crush on him in 8th grade. And the person I had a crush on then is who I fell in love with now. Yeah he has a dark side but his sweet side shines brighter than the dark side. And that's the reason why its so hard to let go. I fell in love with a man who was dark, hurting, confused, broken and abused and saw that he didn't allow any of that to hinder the sweet side of him. How can that be? I admire him. I love being in his presence. I love making him feel better. I love boosting his ego. I love making him feel special. It's not the sex at all!!!!!!! It's him. Even if he were impotent, I would want to be with him. I think it might be some "daddy" issues or something. He makes me feel safe and calm. He makes me laugh and makes me be unselfish. And there are times when I wonder if he weren't married would I have a chance? Or what I could've done to make him stay? Or can I stay for the rest of my life? I think I could've done it if he had given a bit more. I don't think I was too needy. I hardly ever called him or texted him unless he texted me first. Yeah I complained when I would go see him and things didn't work out the way I planned. But I'm spoiled and just wanted to be with him for as long as I could. But I didn't want him to be okay with me being with other guys. Honestly? I wanted him to tell me what he wanted me to do in order to stay with me but its over now. I wasn't holding myself back like I was in the beginnning. I was dating and being open. And I wanted to tell him about them but its too late.

OK, I'm about to finish my paper. XOXO