#169...This blog will be completely free because no one is reading this anymore. Boo...but I still need to write.
Oh my do I have stuff to blog about this week. First of all, this has been a great week! First, my teacher gives us an extra two days for our paper. I got my refund money from school..cha-ching! I was talking to my classmates and I'm not doing as bad as I thought I was. My average is a B even though I was aiming for an A. But that's better than a D, right? I'm so tired of this paper. I haven't worked on it this entire weekend. I have been sleeping nonstop. I am crazy tired. I didn't think I could sleep this much, ya know?
Tuesday was Alfonse's birthday. I texted him and we talked all night. I wished we hadn't done that. Actually I think we both felt that way. It was so awkward and weird and frustrating. But he was frustrated so its understandable. He's the type of guy that lashes out when he's upset or annoyed or anything like that. I understand it 'cause my father is like that...my mom is like that...and I am like that. I remember that I used to tell Candace that she was unloved just to watch her cry. Then I was apologize profusely 'cause I was sorry to make her cry. Isn't that sick? Anyways, after our chat, I felt like scum. I really felt bad about myself which made me feel sorry for all the times I did that to others. So I am making amends to the people that I love that I unintentionally did that to. What did he say that was so hurtful? I don't remember everything but I do remember that he called me (or rather said his wife calls me) the fat bitch. He apologized for it but I suspect that he's talked about me in a negative way to his wife when she was asking questions about December. I hate to think that because it would support my suspicions but I gotta look at the facts. But whateva, right? It is what it is. Anyways, we talked later that night about my impromptu trip and my surprise for his birthday. He really seemed torn-up and hurt. I really feel bad for him. I want him to find peace and be happy. And what he wants does not coincide with what he wants. And I don't know how to help or what to say 'cause I don't know if what he is telling me is the truth. I don't know anything anymore. But now I don't need to worry about that because he has deleted me from his life completely. How'd that happen when I was just there in Philly for his birthday? OMG let me tell you what went down.
This trip was supposed to be a no-strings-attached affair that I was looking forward to. However, we never defined what no-strings-attached meant. I figured that when we were together, it would be good and there would be no expectations. But I did have expectations. I expected him to shower me with attention like he usually did when he met up. But that didn't happen. I expected him to bring some condolences gift like flowers or a card in regards to what we had been thru the past few months. But that didn't happen either. And I suspected that the main reason he showed up when he did (which was earlier than he said he was) was because of his birthday surprise gift. And because I suspected that, I cancelled the surprise. It was spiteful of me but it made me feel like I wasn't good enough...that I had to buy him to get him there. So anyways, he gets there and he looked so good. The haircut, his smile, his eyes....I missed all of that. And all of the anger and frustration that I felt immediately disappeared. I forgot what I wanted to talk about. One thing led to another...And like clockwork, my period comes. This is the third time that has happened. It was uber-embarrassing. I think it might be him and I'll tell u later about that. So I ask him to go get me something to eat and tell him that I love him. He didn't respond. Was it intentional? He said that he didn't hear me. I think he did and because he didn't want to lie or lead me on, he didn't say it back. Did it hurt? Hell yeah but that was how I felt regardless of how he feels. I'm not saying I'm crazy in love with him or obsessed, but I do love him. He means alot to me. So he goes to McDonalds and we eat it and I show him the coat I bought him. He loved it! I was so happy that he liked it. He leaves and says that he would be back later that night or the next day. He leaves the coat, liquor, fave shot glass and a joint. He said that was proof that he was coming back. I didn't really expect him to come the next day but he insisted that he would. Situations happened and he couldn't make it back. I had an emotional breakdown because of the loss and the sea of distance I felt from him. So I snapped. I didn't mean to but I did. I was saying stuff that I wouldn't normally say. I don't know exactly why I did it. I think I was slashing out to hurt him just as he hurt me. He told me that I needed psychiatric help for wanting to be with him. I actually agreed with him. Why would I want somebody who doesn't want me? Good question. I actually set up an appointment with a counselor for Wednesday morning. And I'm going to talk to Earl too. Back to the story...he said that he couldn't do us anymore and that he didn't want to be with me. He also said that he was trying to be nice and refrain from saying "Fuck you bitch! I don't want to be with you no more." That stung badly. Then he said that he was hanging up the phone and would never contact me nor want me to contact him anymore. He said that he was deleting himself from my life. Then he says goodbye Carmen. I couldn't respond because it was so final. I was blindsided and scared to say goodbye so I said nothing. He hung up and that was it. I cried while we talked on the phone but when he hung up, I didn't break down like I thought I would. I called Neecey and she talked me down and I felt oddly ok. I couldn't sleep though so I stayed up watching television until it was time to check out. I went to the airport and went home. I did email him something and texted him to read it. Then I deleted everything from my phone - the texts, photos, phone numbers, email address. I had never deleted the pictures...I actually still had the first picture he ever sent me. But I didn't want to hang on to something that was dead...hang on to someone who despises me. I didn't want to seem desperate and pathetic. So I deleted everything. But here's something pathetic. I called him Friday night and like I suspected, he didn't answer the call. So I left him a message telling him that I wanted to mail him the jacket and for him to tell me if it was okay. I didn't respond so I don't know what I am going to do with the jacket now. I will miss him but I gotta move on. Now let's deal with the consequences lol.
Robbie is not really talking to me right now. I accidentally slipped up that I was in Philly and he remembered that Alfonse lived there. So he thought that I went there to hook up with him. I tried to convince him that I didn't go for him but he didn't believe me. Especially since I'm not going to Boston next week. Then while I was with Alfonse, Jay the Stalker blows my phone up. I told Alfonse about Chris. I didn't mean to tell him but he asked like he was jealous and so I told him hoping to get a rise outta him. No go though lol. I'm glad Earl didn't call me. I would've been busted for real. He already called me an idiot for messing with Alfonse but if he found out that I was there to try to salvage or whatever him, he would've gotten ugly about it. Now here's the best part of the story: I met a sexy, good-looking man at the airport. OMG....I have never in my life saw a man and wanted him right then. Let me start from the beginning. I was sitting in baggage claim wasting time until I could check in the hotel (another story in itself too lol). He comes by pushing a cart and grabbing the leftover luggage off the conveyor belt. The way he was just grabbing the luggage and swinging them off the belt was amazing. One suitcase had to be about 40pds but he grabbed it with one hand with no effort whatsoever. Then he had this Jamaican accent. He had a real nice butt lol. And he walked with this swag that was enticing. He sat one seat away from me and was talking on his phone all loud. I thought "Out of all the seats here, why come sit next to me?" Then I was drawn in by his accent. After a while, he spoke to me and I spoke back. We ended up talking for two hours. I smiled the entire time. We flirted and he made me laugh. He made me forget everything. He was a good-looking and sexually attractive Mr Arnold haha. His name is Kevin Smith. I wanted to touch him so bad but I behaved myself. Kevin said that he wanted to hang out later that day when he got off work. I was like cool because I knew I was going to be bored in that room and I wanted to feel special. Alfonse hadn't made me feel that way in a long time and I just wanted to feel wanted and sexy and special and important. Kevin blew my phone up while I was with Alfonse, too. I felt so bad. I called him back when Alfonse left to get the food and he said that he would hang out with me the next morning. The next morning, he comes over and one thing leads to another. Does that make me a slut? He definitely made an impression on me. He was good! Very good! He hit my spots so magically. We were so loud...I hope no one heard us. I think that was why room service didn't come in the room haha. I truly hope Alfonse isn't reading this 'cause I don't want to hurt him. After we did it like three times in a row where I...peaked each time, he wanted to cuddle. He told me to lay on his chest. That's when I started to break down just like I did with Chris. It didn't feel comfortable...it wasn't Alfonse. I can't explain it but when I'm in his arms, it feels so right. Anyways, we fell asleep until he had to go to work. Then he came back later after work for a quickie. That was even good. He gave me a huge flippin' hickey. And he could kiss his butt off. He made the trip. I don't even remember being Alfonse on this trip. Does that make me bad? I feel bad but when I think of what he said to me, why should I? But I do because I love that man....ugh! Enough about Alfonse. So Kevin and I have been talking (at least to the best of our ability considering our language barrier lol) all week long. I smile when I see that he's calling me and now I want to plan another trip to Philadelphia. I wonder when would be a good time. Speaking of planning a trip. Do you realize I paid $90 for my room in Philly for two days? The price was $169/night but I didn't pay that. I had originally paid for this room on a weekend price earlier that month. I called and rescheduled the room for later that month during another weekend. Then a few days before I got there, I called and rescheduled for a weekday. The reservation manager changed it for me for the third time and told me about the price adjustment. I was like cool cause I had no choice but to accept it. So I get there and go to check in and my credit card wouldn't accept it. The guy at the front desk told me that he was just using my card for incidentals which is normally $50. I tried using my other credit card and that wouldn't go thru either. I was confused because I had $500 on each card. So I call my credit card company and they say that the hotel was trying to put $400 on my card....still didn't explain why it didn't go thru but I'm so glad it didn't! So the guy at the desk looked and couldn't understand why it was trying to put that amount on my card when it said that my room was paid for already. I told him that I didn't pay all of it and he was like it shows that its paid for. Then he said that he wouldn't need my card and to be careful in the room. When I checked out, the woman at the desk said "Have a good day" and I left. I got that room for nearly nothing! But considering I was without power the whole day on Thursday, that's about right. A storm swept through and knocked the power out. It didn't come back on until midnight. They were giving out free liquor to all the guests. We got lit! The room was so beautiful and sexy. I swear for goodness I'm decorating my new place like that. The shower was tiled but a outdoor type of tile. It had a bowl sink. The shower door was clear and the back of the shower was frosted and could be seen from the bedroom portion of the room. The HD TV was on the wall. The bed was a platform bed with a cork type headboard. Two windows faced the bed so if you wanted to give a show (which Kevin and I kinda did lol), you could. I am now sold on this hotel. If I ever go back, it will be either there or Loews downtown. I love modern chic hotels. Last time about Alfonse. Do you know what I do when the realization that I'll never hear from him again hits me? Or that we're not together? I just imagine that I just talked to him or we're doing the once a week check in or that I'll hear from him soon. Then the pain of never hearing his voice or laugh or seeing his face again doesn't hurt. Basically, just don't think about it. Ugh! I am so pathetic. I got these guys who want to be with me but I want to be with a man who doesn't want me. Does that make me a masochist? Since he's not reading anymore, I need to free to write whatever I feel so I can get over it all. Well, the sleepy bug is biting yet again and I just got up four hours ago. I think its me not being in my bed or maybe stress. Anyways, goodnight! XOXO
This trip was supposed to be a no-strings-attached affair that I was looking forward to. However, we never defined what no-strings-attached meant. I figured that when we were together, it would be good and there would be no expectations. But I did have expectations. I expected him to shower me with attention like he usually did when he met up. But that didn't happen. I expected him to bring some condolences gift like flowers or a card in regards to what we had been thru the past few months. But that didn't happen either. And I suspected that the main reason he showed up when he did (which was earlier than he said he was) was because of his birthday surprise gift. And because I suspected that, I cancelled the surprise. It was spiteful of me but it made me feel like I wasn't good enough...that I had to buy him to get him there. So anyways, he gets there and he looked so good. The haircut, his smile, his eyes....I missed all of that. And all of the anger and frustration that I felt immediately disappeared. I forgot what I wanted to talk about. One thing led to another...And like clockwork, my period comes. This is the third time that has happened. It was uber-embarrassing. I think it might be him and I'll tell u later about that. So I ask him to go get me something to eat and tell him that I love him. He didn't respond. Was it intentional? He said that he didn't hear me. I think he did and because he didn't want to lie or lead me on, he didn't say it back. Did it hurt? Hell yeah but that was how I felt regardless of how he feels. I'm not saying I'm crazy in love with him or obsessed, but I do love him. He means alot to me. So he goes to McDonalds and we eat it and I show him the coat I bought him. He loved it! I was so happy that he liked it. He leaves and says that he would be back later that night or the next day. He leaves the coat, liquor, fave shot glass and a joint. He said that was proof that he was coming back. I didn't really expect him to come the next day but he insisted that he would. Situations happened and he couldn't make it back. I had an emotional breakdown because of the loss and the sea of distance I felt from him. So I snapped. I didn't mean to but I did. I was saying stuff that I wouldn't normally say. I don't know exactly why I did it. I think I was slashing out to hurt him just as he hurt me. He told me that I needed psychiatric help for wanting to be with him. I actually agreed with him. Why would I want somebody who doesn't want me? Good question. I actually set up an appointment with a counselor for Wednesday morning. And I'm going to talk to Earl too. Back to the story...he said that he couldn't do us anymore and that he didn't want to be with me. He also said that he was trying to be nice and refrain from saying "Fuck you bitch! I don't want to be with you no more." That stung badly. Then he said that he was hanging up the phone and would never contact me nor want me to contact him anymore. He said that he was deleting himself from my life. Then he says goodbye Carmen. I couldn't respond because it was so final. I was blindsided and scared to say goodbye so I said nothing. He hung up and that was it. I cried while we talked on the phone but when he hung up, I didn't break down like I thought I would. I called Neecey and she talked me down and I felt oddly ok. I couldn't sleep though so I stayed up watching television until it was time to check out. I went to the airport and went home. I did email him something and texted him to read it. Then I deleted everything from my phone - the texts, photos, phone numbers, email address. I had never deleted the pictures...I actually still had the first picture he ever sent me. But I didn't want to hang on to something that was dead...hang on to someone who despises me. I didn't want to seem desperate and pathetic. So I deleted everything. But here's something pathetic. I called him Friday night and like I suspected, he didn't answer the call. So I left him a message telling him that I wanted to mail him the jacket and for him to tell me if it was okay. I didn't respond so I don't know what I am going to do with the jacket now. I will miss him but I gotta move on. Now let's deal with the consequences lol.
Robbie is not really talking to me right now. I accidentally slipped up that I was in Philly and he remembered that Alfonse lived there. So he thought that I went there to hook up with him. I tried to convince him that I didn't go for him but he didn't believe me. Especially since I'm not going to Boston next week. Then while I was with Alfonse, Jay the Stalker blows my phone up. I told Alfonse about Chris. I didn't mean to tell him but he asked like he was jealous and so I told him hoping to get a rise outta him. No go though lol. I'm glad Earl didn't call me. I would've been busted for real. He already called me an idiot for messing with Alfonse but if he found out that I was there to try to salvage or whatever him, he would've gotten ugly about it. Now here's the best part of the story: I met a sexy, good-looking man at the airport. OMG....I have never in my life saw a man and wanted him right then. Let me start from the beginning. I was sitting in baggage claim wasting time until I could check in the hotel (another story in itself too lol). He comes by pushing a cart and grabbing the leftover luggage off the conveyor belt. The way he was just grabbing the luggage and swinging them off the belt was amazing. One suitcase had to be about 40pds but he grabbed it with one hand with no effort whatsoever. Then he had this Jamaican accent. He had a real nice butt lol. And he walked with this swag that was enticing. He sat one seat away from me and was talking on his phone all loud. I thought "Out of all the seats here, why come sit next to me?" Then I was drawn in by his accent. After a while, he spoke to me and I spoke back. We ended up talking for two hours. I smiled the entire time. We flirted and he made me laugh. He made me forget everything. He was a good-looking and sexually attractive Mr Arnold haha. His name is Kevin Smith. I wanted to touch him so bad but I behaved myself. Kevin said that he wanted to hang out later that day when he got off work. I was like cool because I knew I was going to be bored in that room and I wanted to feel special. Alfonse hadn't made me feel that way in a long time and I just wanted to feel wanted and sexy and special and important. Kevin blew my phone up while I was with Alfonse, too. I felt so bad. I called him back when Alfonse left to get the food and he said that he would hang out with me the next morning. The next morning, he comes over and one thing leads to another. Does that make me a slut? He definitely made an impression on me. He was good! Very good! He hit my spots so magically. We were so loud...I hope no one heard us. I think that was why room service didn't come in the room haha. I truly hope Alfonse isn't reading this 'cause I don't want to hurt him. After we did it like three times in a row where I...peaked each time, he wanted to cuddle. He told me to lay on his chest. That's when I started to break down just like I did with Chris. It didn't feel comfortable...it wasn't Alfonse. I can't explain it but when I'm in his arms, it feels so right. Anyways, we fell asleep until he had to go to work. Then he came back later after work for a quickie. That was even good. He gave me a huge flippin' hickey. And he could kiss his butt off. He made the trip. I don't even remember being Alfonse on this trip. Does that make me bad? I feel bad but when I think of what he said to me, why should I? But I do because I love that man....ugh! Enough about Alfonse. So Kevin and I have been talking (at least to the best of our ability considering our language barrier lol) all week long. I smile when I see that he's calling me and now I want to plan another trip to Philadelphia. I wonder when would be a good time. Speaking of planning a trip. Do you realize I paid $90 for my room in Philly for two days? The price was $169/night but I didn't pay that. I had originally paid for this room on a weekend price earlier that month. I called and rescheduled the room for later that month during another weekend. Then a few days before I got there, I called and rescheduled for a weekday. The reservation manager changed it for me for the third time and told me about the price adjustment. I was like cool cause I had no choice but to accept it. So I get there and go to check in and my credit card wouldn't accept it. The guy at the front desk told me that he was just using my card for incidentals which is normally $50. I tried using my other credit card and that wouldn't go thru either. I was confused because I had $500 on each card. So I call my credit card company and they say that the hotel was trying to put $400 on my card....still didn't explain why it didn't go thru but I'm so glad it didn't! So the guy at the desk looked and couldn't understand why it was trying to put that amount on my card when it said that my room was paid for already. I told him that I didn't pay all of it and he was like it shows that its paid for. Then he said that he wouldn't need my card and to be careful in the room. When I checked out, the woman at the desk said "Have a good day" and I left. I got that room for nearly nothing! But considering I was without power the whole day on Thursday, that's about right. A storm swept through and knocked the power out. It didn't come back on until midnight. They were giving out free liquor to all the guests. We got lit! The room was so beautiful and sexy. I swear for goodness I'm decorating my new place like that. The shower was tiled but a outdoor type of tile. It had a bowl sink. The shower door was clear and the back of the shower was frosted and could be seen from the bedroom portion of the room. The HD TV was on the wall. The bed was a platform bed with a cork type headboard. Two windows faced the bed so if you wanted to give a show (which Kevin and I kinda did lol), you could. I am now sold on this hotel. If I ever go back, it will be either there or Loews downtown. I love modern chic hotels. Last time about Alfonse. Do you know what I do when the realization that I'll never hear from him again hits me? Or that we're not together? I just imagine that I just talked to him or we're doing the once a week check in or that I'll hear from him soon. Then the pain of never hearing his voice or laugh or seeing his face again doesn't hurt. Basically, just don't think about it. Ugh! I am so pathetic. I got these guys who want to be with me but I want to be with a man who doesn't want me. Does that make me a masochist? Since he's not reading anymore, I need to free to write whatever I feel so I can get over it all. Well, the sleepy bug is biting yet again and I just got up four hours ago. I think its me not being in my bed or maybe stress. Anyways, goodnight! XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment