What can I say today? This weekend didn't go exactly how I thought it should've gone but I learned some things about myself. And just as I did with Maurice, I gotta start telling myself that this man doesn't want me...that I'm making this up in my head about being with him...that I'm the rule and not the exception...that I need to let it go!!! What happened? Well, I had decided to go to Philly to get some closure and some words were said and I interpreted them to say for me to give him time and that he wasn't going anywhere. I thought I was stronger than I was but I fell for everything. So I was so excited to be going...everything was booked, I was packed and had my cover story together. Actually, I wasn't telling anyone where I was going...not even Neicey...and just turn up the next day and say that I was busy doing homework. So the week was going past and I started to notice that I didn't hear anything from him but I figured that it was normal considering all things. But I thought that I would hear from him on Thursday since that is usually the day that I hear from him. Thursday morning...nothing. Thursday afternoon...nothing. So I hit him up later that afternoon and it took him a long while to get back at me. And when he did, he told me that my trip was going to be an inconvenience for him 'cause his wife wasn't going on her trip and he wouldn't be able to get away. Of course, I was understanding but then I thought about it. If I hadn't texted him, when would he have told me? When I was there waiting on him? He told me that he was dreading telling me 'cause he knew I was going to be mad. I wasn't gonna be mad 'cause I understand. But waiting to the last minute pissed me off. Having me hit him up pissed me off. It was blatant disregard and that should show me how he feels about me. Anyways, it won't happen again. Good thing I didn't lose my money...all I had to do was reschedule. I texted him asking him to tell me another good date but did I hear from him? Of course not so I chose a date and this is gonna be a vacation for me. I might invite Robbie to meet me there. Idk....but I was hurt. He definitely broke my heart but then again, he breaks everyone's heart so what makes me so different? And coming to that realization helped me realize how naive I was to think that he was going to leave his wife for me. Who am I? I didn't put no time in...I didn't show him that his life would be better with me. Basically, I realized that I wasn't important in his life and to think that I was is very narcissistic of me. Once I got over my anger, hurt and pain, I was cool. I was disappointed 'cause I was feening but like I said, I'm cool now. But to continue down this road, he really did break my heart. When I told him about my "lost", he texted me saying how sorry he was and everything. But when we were making plans for this weekend, he called me twice. Wow...so that showed me what was important to him. He said that he thought he talked to me but when I told him that he didn't, he was like "Oh sorry." Sorry should be his middle name 'cause that's all he ever says. But does it hold any weight? Does it mean anything? Or is he just saying that to get off the hook? And I try real hard to understand him and for the most part I think I do. I think I'm just apprehensive because he's lied to me about so much and I don't know what is the truth and what isn't. I hate not trusting people! I just wish that he would trust me to tell me the truth...regardless of what it is. I can't judge him and he's not losing nothing by telling me the truth. But he's losing by lying...'cause I'm so done. I hate asking him questions 'cause I never know what is going to come out of his mouth. So when I come to Philly, I'm going to just come. No more planning 'cause he missed out on a whole big day of plans...everything was set. But its his loss!

I was talking to Earl Friday night and he was telling me about Earlene. I had no idea how sick she really was. She has a form of cancer that is extremely rare and the doctors said that it didn't look good. She had one kidney taken out already and the other one is not functioning correctly. And her liver is swelling along with her legs. They said that the chemo that she is taking may not be effective but if she doesn't take it, she will die. And it is a big chance that if she takes the chemo treatment again, she could die because she's so weak. I was sitting there in the truck trying not cry while he's telling me all of this. This is BJ's mom...I've known Earlene since a kid. I hung out with her at Earl's party. I just pray that God heals her. I can't imagine going to her funeral. So God be with Earlene and her family. I'm going to go visit her soon. And Nicky. She's kinda bad off too. I think the doctors sent her home to die. It's so sad. And I saw Mother Watkins at church this Sunday. I didn't know what to say to her.

My research on my paper is going great. I, unfortunately, owe $1800 in tuition...boo! Where'd that amount come from? So I have to hit the Financial Aid office up to find out about this balance? I don't wanna have to dip into my house-saving fund.

Last Sunday was so fun! We danced in the rain...sang in the rain...so much fun. I'm glad I didn't have a white tshirt on lol. Fred was da bomb! Richard Smallwood was good but Fred brought it. I just can't wait until the Salt-n-Pepa concert with BBD, Slick Rick, Biz Markie and Doug E Fresh. Its gonna be on TEN. Kesha is trying to get me to go to Minneapolis with her. I said I would only if I could purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka....haha. So Candace and I are planning another skinny-dipping event lol. And I have to see Prince's house...my mecca.

Mr. Arnold is so sad...haha. He actually thought that our little encounter last week meant something. He said that all he has to do is show me a good time and I'm giving it up. He doesn't know me, does he? I told him that what happened doesn't make him any closer than last year when I didn't even know him. He ain't got game...at least not enough for me. I told him that I was a tease and enjoy being one. If I gave it up once does not mean I will do it again. And I don't think about the guy. He said that was wrong of me. I told him that it was wrong for guys to lie to women to get some and not mean what they say. Same difference, right? He's got me twisted with some of the other chicks he messes with. Touching me or rubbing his dick across my butt does not turn me on unless I'm already attracted to the person. And I'm definitely not attracted to him....not at all. So on my horniest day, he doesn't have a chance....ctfu. But I did realize that my actions have, thus far, have not gotten me in trouble. But I might meet someone who doesn't think its cute and I might be in trouble. So I will definitely work on that.

I ran into Pastor Thompson's daughter last night and she was like, "So I see you and ole' boy are still together," motioning to Earl. I told her that we weren't together but she said that she always see us together. I told him that and we realized that we are always together in public. So funny....Did you know that he deleted his FB page 'cause Toya was giving him grieve about being friends with the ex. I feel her. I would have a fit if he was still friends with her. That's how he messed up his first marriage...being friends with exes. I just hope he get it together!

XOXO