Have you ever talked to someone who made you look at yourself? Well this happened to me just today and I have to work through what I'm feeling and thinking. Let's start from the beginning. I'm sure you all remember Nate, right? I used to work with him at Time-Life. Eventually we became a couple...but we weren't together. He said we were just 'riding'. I felt so privileged that some guy wanted me that I jumped on the chance. I was fresh from an all-girl school and my love for Earl...basically I was naive and desperate lol. Anyways, I was attracted to Nate's bad-boy persona. He used to allow his cigarettes to hang out his mouth while he talked. Go figure, right? Anyways, he dogged me out. He used to ask for money all of the time. I would give him half of my paycheck. We never went on an official date. He never bought me anything...but I bought him stuff. I was naive..and I reference that time as a moment of temporary insanity. After six months, I was tired of him and the Holy Spirit convicted me. I was always sad and unhappy. So I colored my hair honey brown and blonde and dumped him. It took me a whole month to get over him...literally. I went on a month vacation and when I got back, I felt better. He tried to come back but I cut him deep and he went away. Thirteen years later, he's back. I don't consciously have any ill feelings towards him. I like hanging out with him...as a friend. When he first came back, I was in a relationship so I warded him off like that. But after I was single, I didn't have an excuse. I told him that I was just looking for friendship. But he's constantly telling me that he really has a huge crush on me and loves being in my company. I, of course, don't believe it. So I play him to the left constantly. I have stood him up like 8 times so far. Well last night, we were supposed to go to the docks off Lake Michigan to listen to jazz. That is such an intimate setting so I was extremely nervous about going. I don't want to deal with him trying to stare in my eyes and be romantic. So I stood him up. Today he hit me up and said that I've hurt him so much by standing him up. The Nate that I used to know - I wouldn't believe it. However, he said that he has noticed how I've changed...that I'm not as nice as I used to be. Normally I wouldn't even think pay attention to his observations because he doesn't know me...he didn't know me then and he damn sure don't know me now. But he hasn't been the only one saying that so I have to pay attention to what is being said. Now I don't want you to think that nothing he said registered 'cause it did. He was saying how he was in a slump in life and just needed a friend to in his corner that he could trust. I felt bad that he was bearing his soul and I was taking it as a joke. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't like it. Another situation where I had to look at myself is with Alfonse. We agreed to have this platonic friendship relationship and one of the side effects of said relationship is to be honest with each other...brutally honest. Well I have been keeping up by side of the bargain...even though I think I was subconsciously trying to hurt him in some small way. He came back at me which I appreciate. He told me *in my own words* that I needed to get my life together. I need a new car. I really do need to get a new car y'all so that will be my main priority. But to piggyback on that, I need to regain focus. I remember when I was works of getting my own place. I know I need to do it but I just don't wanna mess things up like I did in Tulsa. I was so focused on getting my bills and rent paid that I neglected school. Work then became my sole priority. I think that's why I am so apprehensive about getting a new car. I don't want to lose focus to working. Plus I'm in school and these classes are pretty time consuming. I have to keep a schedule (haha...who am I trying to fool?)...I mean, I have to try to juggle everything and school is the biggest ball right now. Then Alfonse mentions faith...ugh don't even get me started on that. My faith is a whole other blog. But I can say that he can't call my name like he did anymore. It got my attention....and some other things.
So I went to Nate's birthday party. He kept saying how I blow him off and I wanted to show him that I don't always do that so I went to the party. And he kept blowing me up about the party. At the last minute, I was going to stand him up again but he stayed on my phone. He said the party started at 6pm. So around 4pm, Earl called me (actually I called him) and we went to the the Patio then to the rectory. We sat around talking. I tried to get him to go to the party with me but he didn't want to. I look at my phone and its like 7:30pm and Nate's called me like 5 times asking me where I was at. I text him that I'm on my way and I got to the liquor store to get his 5th of tequila only to find out I can't find my ID. So I had to go to one of those shoddy liquor stores on the corner of 51st and Halsted. Then I had to get a lawn chair 'cause I thought that we needed them for outside. I get to the place and its hella crowded. I'm thinking to myself that all those people were not there for his birthday party especially when I see people...gangs of people...leaving. I find out that they had an "Ode to House Music" celebration in the park on Stoney Island. When I get in his house, I see that there are only 4 people in there and there is no furniture hence the lawn chair. I hear a man saying "Who is that sexy voice?" Who? lol So I walk in and speak to everyone. This guy who is drunk outta his mind is all in my face. I remember him from the job trying to get down my shirt and asking me if he could suck one of my breasts. Classy right? So this time he's saying that he wants to take me out and stuff. I'm humoring him 'cause I'm the only woman in the house and he's drunk. Nate is running around cleaning (haha...) and stuff and its hot as a faggots foot in there. I ask him where everyone is at and he's telling me to be patient cause they're coming. It's 8:30pm and no one is there. So if i had gotten there at 6:30, what in the world would I have been doing? Then his girlfriend comes in the house. She's pretty...she didn't look bi-polar. So she and this other woman that's with her goes in the bedroom. But not before meeting me. Nate introduced her as the first lady of the house. That's cool but don't play like you ain't in no relationship with her. I ain't a fool! So after 15 minutes of being there, I was ready to go. I get my stuff together and say my goodbyes. Then this guy is convincing me not to leave. He says all the fun is in the bedroom (sounds like a setup don't it?) So I go back there and its like 8 people who I didn't even see in there. Everyone is smoking weed. So I sit on the bed and watch television. It's cool in there so that's where I stayed the entire time. I met this one chick who kept me company named Sarina. We talked the entire time. It was her man who convinced me to stay at the party. After a while, people started coming in including Steve. He was pissy drunk. I was hoping he wouldn't remember me but of course he did. I swear I regret that incident tremendously! So Steve is trying to get at Sarina and she's playing him to the left. It was so funny. She even checked the guy who was all in my face. That's what I need...someone to teach me how to fight my own battles. So anyways, the people coming in were not impressive. I remember when I used to look up to those people 'cause it seemed like they knew how to live life. But now they all seemed empty and just looking for something to make them happy. I pitied alot of them. Is it fun to be drunk and push up on people? Is it fun to get high and act a fool in public? Is it fun to sit around in a hot house playing dominoes? Well the drinking part is fun but not when that's all u live for. So I left at midnight and that's when everyone started coming in. Some comedienne was going to do an act but I was leaving 'cause Sarina was leaving. I didn't trust myself to not get judgemental and I didn't want to be there alone. Nate was trying to talk me into staying without tipping his first lady off. He was grabbing me and touching me...get it together. I left! Around 5:30am, he texted me saying thank u for coming and how he loved seeing me again and how seeing me brought up additional feelings. Yeah right...anyways, that's when he invited to the the lakefront to listen to jazz around 9pm. Ain't that couples hour? I was apprehensive about going...and so I stood him up. But these are the circumstances that surrounded this scenario. I am taking a nap since I might be out late. Around 6:30pm, Sarina calls me. She wants to talk so while I'm talking to her, Nate texts me and asks if I'm going to stand him up. I tell him that I'm on the phone with Sarina and will let him know. He goes into panic mode asking if I told Sarina about him. I'm like 'what about you?' and he tells me that Sarina is friends with his girlfriend. I am cracking up at this and he's getting upset that I find it funny. So I tell him that I didn't tell Sarina nothing 'cause there's nothing to tell. He's not worth talking about to anyone. Then I tell him that I'm not going. Why would I wanna go on a friendly date (I specified that fact FRIENDLY) when I just felt slighted by his girlfriend whom he has been denying since the beginning. I just got out of a relationship where I was always on the backburner and I'm not going into another one. I'm too possessive and hate to share so I refuse to do this with him. I told him this and he told me that he is making a move soon so we can be together. Yeah right...and I got FOOL written on my forehead. I told him that I won't think of him romatically until she's gone. Little does he know that even if she's gone, I won't think of him like that. How can I respect a man who uses a woman? That's not a man. A real man would provide for that woman instead of the other way around. A real man would be honest with the woman and tell her that he's not feeling her anymore instead of stringing her along. A real man would think about that woman's feelings and not want to see her get hurt. I can't believe I gave him my virginity...ugh! What the hell was I smoking? So this is my blog that I've been trying to finish since last week lol. XOXO
So I went to Nate's birthday party. He kept saying how I blow him off and I wanted to show him that I don't always do that so I went to the party. And he kept blowing me up about the party. At the last minute, I was going to stand him up again but he stayed on my phone. He said the party started at 6pm. So around 4pm, Earl called me (actually I called him) and we went to the the Patio then to the rectory. We sat around talking. I tried to get him to go to the party with me but he didn't want to. I look at my phone and its like 7:30pm and Nate's called me like 5 times asking me where I was at. I text him that I'm on my way and I got to the liquor store to get his 5th of tequila only to find out I can't find my ID. So I had to go to one of those shoddy liquor stores on the corner of 51st and Halsted. Then I had to get a lawn chair 'cause I thought that we needed them for outside. I get to the place and its hella crowded. I'm thinking to myself that all those people were not there for his birthday party especially when I see people...gangs of people...leaving. I find out that they had an "Ode to House Music" celebration in the park on Stoney Island. When I get in his house, I see that there are only 4 people in there and there is no furniture hence the lawn chair. I hear a man saying "Who is that sexy voice?" Who? lol So I walk in and speak to everyone. This guy who is drunk outta his mind is all in my face. I remember him from the job trying to get down my shirt and asking me if he could suck one of my breasts. Classy right? So this time he's saying that he wants to take me out and stuff. I'm humoring him 'cause I'm the only woman in the house and he's drunk. Nate is running around cleaning (haha...) and stuff and its hot as a faggots foot in there. I ask him where everyone is at and he's telling me to be patient cause they're coming. It's 8:30pm and no one is there. So if i had gotten there at 6:30, what in the world would I have been doing? Then his girlfriend comes in the house. She's pretty...she didn't look bi-polar. So she and this other woman that's with her goes in the bedroom. But not before meeting me. Nate introduced her as the first lady of the house. That's cool but don't play like you ain't in no relationship with her. I ain't a fool! So after 15 minutes of being there, I was ready to go. I get my stuff together and say my goodbyes. Then this guy is convincing me not to leave. He says all the fun is in the bedroom (sounds like a setup don't it?) So I go back there and its like 8 people who I didn't even see in there. Everyone is smoking weed. So I sit on the bed and watch television. It's cool in there so that's where I stayed the entire time. I met this one chick who kept me company named Sarina. We talked the entire time. It was her man who convinced me to stay at the party. After a while, people started coming in including Steve. He was pissy drunk. I was hoping he wouldn't remember me but of course he did. I swear I regret that incident tremendously! So Steve is trying to get at Sarina and she's playing him to the left. It was so funny. She even checked the guy who was all in my face. That's what I need...someone to teach me how to fight my own battles. So anyways, the people coming in were not impressive. I remember when I used to look up to those people 'cause it seemed like they knew how to live life. But now they all seemed empty and just looking for something to make them happy. I pitied alot of them. Is it fun to be drunk and push up on people? Is it fun to get high and act a fool in public? Is it fun to sit around in a hot house playing dominoes? Well the drinking part is fun but not when that's all u live for. So I left at midnight and that's when everyone started coming in. Some comedienne was going to do an act but I was leaving 'cause Sarina was leaving. I didn't trust myself to not get judgemental and I didn't want to be there alone. Nate was trying to talk me into staying without tipping his first lady off. He was grabbing me and touching me...get it together. I left! Around 5:30am, he texted me saying thank u for coming and how he loved seeing me again and how seeing me brought up additional feelings. Yeah right...anyways, that's when he invited to the the lakefront to listen to jazz around 9pm. Ain't that couples hour? I was apprehensive about going...and so I stood him up. But these are the circumstances that surrounded this scenario. I am taking a nap since I might be out late. Around 6:30pm, Sarina calls me. She wants to talk so while I'm talking to her, Nate texts me and asks if I'm going to stand him up. I tell him that I'm on the phone with Sarina and will let him know. He goes into panic mode asking if I told Sarina about him. I'm like 'what about you?' and he tells me that Sarina is friends with his girlfriend. I am cracking up at this and he's getting upset that I find it funny. So I tell him that I didn't tell Sarina nothing 'cause there's nothing to tell. He's not worth talking about to anyone. Then I tell him that I'm not going. Why would I wanna go on a friendly date (I specified that fact FRIENDLY) when I just felt slighted by his girlfriend whom he has been denying since the beginning. I just got out of a relationship where I was always on the backburner and I'm not going into another one. I'm too possessive and hate to share so I refuse to do this with him. I told him this and he told me that he is making a move soon so we can be together. Yeah right...and I got FOOL written on my forehead. I told him that I won't think of him romatically until she's gone. Little does he know that even if she's gone, I won't think of him like that. How can I respect a man who uses a woman? That's not a man. A real man would provide for that woman instead of the other way around. A real man would be honest with the woman and tell her that he's not feeling her anymore instead of stringing her along. A real man would think about that woman's feelings and not want to see her get hurt. I can't believe I gave him my virginity...ugh! What the hell was I smoking? So this is my blog that I've been trying to finish since last week lol. XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment