Tuesday, July 13, 2010 - PT II

Ok I wasn't being completely fair about the entire weekend. I deliberately withheld some information to prove a point but its been bugging me all day. Therefore, I must write about it. Friday while at the club, I get a text from Alfonse. Now I know you all are confused. He told me that he didn't want to be with me and that he never wanted to hear from me again. So imagine my shock when his number pops up. I, of course, ignore it. Then another text comes in...and another...and another. Then starts calling. After an hour, he stopped. He's saying that he's going crazy since I'm not answering him and saying to just answer him. I didn't do it because I had just gotten used to not hearing from him...not wondering if he was thinking about me....or whatever. The next day, he texted me early in the morning. I didn't respond. He called me and even left a voice message. He said that he knew that he promised to never contact me again but it was hard not to. I felt that he was reaching to say anything to get my attention. He mentioned the death of Earlene...my class...and that he reads my blog everyday. Of course I didn't believe that. So after ignoring him, I hit him up. We ended up texting while I was at Kevin's party. I was real harsh and brutal with him. I had to be...he broke my heart for no reason whatsoever. He was saying that he didn't know how to break up and needed me to hate him. Well....he was successful lol. He was fishing to find out what I was doing...where I was staying...who I staying with...and could he see me. He even went as far as to say that he was worried about me being in the city with no one to call if I were in trouble. If he had meant it, that would've melted my heart. When I was living in Tulsa, no one worried about me. Anyways, I said that I would answer his calls and texts in the future. Monday morning, he calls me but I was knocked out. Again, he calls me in the afternoon. I was dead asleep but answered the call. He was just asking if I had a way to the airport (LIKE HE WAS GOING TO TAKE ME LOL) and wanted to know what I had been up to. Oh yeah I forgot to mention this: I asked him if I weren't in Philly, would I have heard from him. He was like "Yeah I was going to contact you this week." Yeah right. So I went the entire weekend and didn't see him. I was proud of myself. It was hard...ish but I know that everytime I go to Philly, I end up crying at some point on the trip. This was the first trip where I didn't cry. So I figured when I hung up the phone on Monday that I wasn't going to hear from him again. Ooops...I was wrong. He actually texted me this morning. Y'all know I was surprised. We texted and talked. I just couldn't put my defenses down. Every fiber in my body wanted to but I kept hearing that voice saying "I choose my wife...I don't want to be with you...I am deleting you out of my life...I don't ever want to hear from you again." He said that he wouldn't do the flip-flop again but he had just said that in April. He proved to me that he says what he needs to say to get what he wants. When we hung up from each other today, something was bugging me. He was saying how miserable he was and how he wanted change. But I remember when he said that he portrayed himself in the past as being miserable in order to get me. I felt so bad and wanted to make him feel special and loved but what if that was just another game? I asked him about the Alicia Keyes song...I should've asked him about December period...and he said that the song reflected how I felt about HIM instead of the other way around. Beautiful, huh! Anyways, I love him and I told him that I didn't have any feelings for him. I could understand certain behaviors but when he can't commit to be with me when he's actually with me, then there's a problem. The last time, he seemed so annoyed that I was there. And he was saying that he was bored and not content in his situation. I loved being that breath of fresh air for him...just doing stuff that was fun and exhilarating. I wasn't asking him to be tied down in some boring relationship...I'm fickle. I don't like being tied down and bored!! I think we could've had fun together. But while I'm saying this, I keep remembering the downside of the relationship. Let me run down what I think of everytime I start to miss him.

1. In April, he left me alone that entire Saturday when he promised that we would go out on our first date.
2. In July, he told me that I was overstepping my bounds by asking him how often he slept with his wife (esp. when he led me to believe that they NEVER had sex).
3. In July, he left me in a hotel room for an ENTIRE week alone not knowing if I had money to eat or if I was safe or in trouble
4. In July, he walked ahead of me and kept away from me when we were in public as if he was ashamed of me (we were in another state!)
5. In July, he acted as if I annoyed him when he did show up
6. In July, he looked me in my eyes and said that we weren't going to be together
7. In August, he planned on bringing his wife to an event that I was going to be at
8. In September, he told me that he was dumping me 'cause he was too stressed and didn't care what I thought about it 'cause he could cuss me out at any moment (mind you everything was unwarranted)
9. In November, he lied and said that he was in the hospital with a sprained ankle while I was waiting for him in a hotel room in Philadelphia when, in fact, he was on a date (a pre-planned date) with his wife
10. In December, I called him when he was in Chicago just to ask him if I was going to see him that day so I could plan my evening and he snapped at me like I was bothering him
11. In January, he lied and said that the school had cameras in the classrooms and caught him texting instead of working.
12. In January, he lied and said that he was going to be caught because he went over his texting limits with me
13. In February, I got NOTHING for Valentines Day
14. In December, I got NOTHING for Christmas
15. In August, I got NOTHING for my birthday
16. In March, he stood me up to go to a bachelor party and couldn't take me to the airport (but pretended like he really wanted to and was trying to figure out how to make that work...how do I know that he didn't have another "pre-planned" date?
17. In April, he admitted to me that he had been lying to me from the beginning about how he felt about me (he said that he was in love with me)
18. In April, he admitted that he had been cheating on me with a multitude of different women...all relationships...women he said that he loved as well (therefore there was no difference between me and the other women)
19. In April, he texted me about how he wanted me still but the VERY next day he said to stop contacting him 'cause he chose his wife and didn't want me
20. In May, he said that he still wanted me and suggested I come see him for his birthday
21. In June, he stood me up (circumstances understandable) the second day (seeing a pattern though?)
22. In June, he told me that he had feelings for all the women he was sleeping with (does that make me feel special?)
23. In June, he hung up on me and told me that he didn't want to be with me...exact words being "F- you, b (female dog), I don't want to be with you
24. In June, he told me that his wife calls me the fat b (female dog)...(I would never tell him what someone said about him if it was negative...that's just like him calling me that. And how did she see me? He said she saw a picture of me on his computer but I rarely sent pics and he didn't see what pic she saw so it could've been anyone)
25. In June, I gave him his Christmas gift that had been hanging around for months (along with $500 in the pocket) and he left it for me to take back with me to Chicago saying that it would've been hard to get that in the house
26. He would ignore my calls and texts (why is that????)
27. In December, he told me that the Alicia Keyes song reminded him of what he wanted to say to me when he was home for Christmas.
28. In June, he told me that he was just using me for sex, money and ego boost

So why would I wanna go back to that? I would be crazy, wouldn't I? But now I can't stop thinking about him. Could we be friends? Probably so. Could there be sex? Only if could promise me that when he's with me, he's with me...that I don't feel cheat and used afterwards..and that he would pay attention to what I want in bed. Only if.....only if, right? I don't want him to go away but I need to get over my anger.