Distractions and depressions

I am going through a time where I am questioning life. My mortality....my achievements....my goals...my future...my reality...my dreams...my fears...my distractions. Where will I be in five years? Where will I be next year? What's in line for my future? How's my life gonna turn out? Am I on the wrong track? Have I wasted my entire life? Am I turning into Aunt Delores? I would rather die than turn into her....seriously! I know this is a distraction but its working this time. The voices that are running through my mind are deafening (not literal voices but thoughts lol). I just need to know that I have someone in my corner....unconditionally in my corner as a sounding board. A support system. Yeah I have my family but I can't talk to them. I think that's one of the problems. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm not used to not having someone to talk to but I don't know who I can talk to. My mind is swimming...I have so many emotions running through me right now. I feel like a bottle of soda that has just been shook up and the top is the only thing keeping the insides from spilling out. I don't know really why I'm so emotional. It'll probably pass soon. It's just that I don't recognize myself anymore. I know I went through a metamorphosis while in Tulsa. When I came home, my family didn't recognize me. And now it feels like I'm going through another metamorphosis. It feels like I'm being sucked into a shell scared to come out. I just need to feel someone's arms around me...anyone at this point. But I don't have time for the mental breakdown I deserve. I just need to stay still for a while and cry it out...talk it out...figure this thing out. But not everyone is qualified to actively listen, ya know? What I think I'm going to start doing is just crying whenever I feel like it. Maybe that'll help me feel better. Stop fighting it and let it all out. It just feels funny 'cause I'm not a cry-baby. I've never been the type to just cry.

On a lighter note, Earl makes me so sick. I came to church and Alpacino came and sat next to me. Then once service started, he guided me to move up closer with him like we were a couple sitting together. I was like "I'm not sitting with you" but I couldn't say that. So we're sitting together and Earl looks at me and starts smiling. I knew what he was thinking and mouthed "NO". He gets Tristan's attention and tells him that I'm sitting with my boyfriend. Tristan starts laughing. Then he tells Gwen and she starts laughing. Then he texted me saying that we look good together and that we were getting our flirt on in church. Alpacino was being nice. He's a nice guy and I saw a new side to him that day. He knows how to take charge which is always good. Anyways, Earl said that if he gets his hands on my camera again, he's gonna blackmail me. I told y'all he saw my pictures, right? Yep the ones I took in November....all of them. I was so embarrassed but I had to suck it in and act like I didn't care if he saw them. But he said I looked sexy so that's all that matters. If Earl says you look sexy, then you look sexy. But now I gotta keep that camera on LOCKDOWN!!! And you know how he talks...you never know what's gonna come out of his mouth so I'm constantly scared that he's gonna blab. But who am I afraid of? Nobody!

Anyways, I feel better. I just took the dogs out for a walk and I gave myself a pep talk. I survived when I was all alone in Tulsa. When I got sick, I took care of myself. When I had to get that surgery, I took care of myself. When my bills needed to be paid, I paid them myself (except my car insurance: THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!!! LOL). I made it do what it do! And when I was getting my stuff together to move to Tulsa, I did it myself. So if I did it then, I can do it again!!! And regardless of how my life turns out, I can at least say I went down fighting. I never gave up. Even when I felt like giving up, I never did. I pushed through. I went through the motions...I faked it until I made it. There are people less fortunate than me. So cheer up bucko! Look to the hills for my help because no good thing will He withhold from me. And even though I'm not living the way I'm supposed to be living, He still loves me. Well, gotta get back to my paper so I can study for the final. XOXO