Have you ever???

I need to remember that I'm writing this for me...not for others. You all are priviledged to read this. These are my heartfelt thoughts and feelings. As most of you know, I am a private person. I don't talk about feelings and stuff like that. However, I am girl and I need to express it somehow. Now my feelings are not always smart or safe or sound but they're my feelings. I wish my heart would listen to my mind. But as you may also know, I can't control myself sometimes lol. Yeah I might be a candidate for The Bad Girls Club but that is only one aspect of me. I am soft, shy, sensitive, and impressionable. I can be vulnerable once my defenses are down. And when it comes to men, I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want. And I do know that what I want is not common at all. I have a low tolerance for certain things like ignorance and stupidity and unjust cockiness. Little things annoy me. Is that a good thing? Nope but its real talk. I appreciate and love each and every one of my friends. I love and appreciate my family. And right now I'm going through a rough time and I thank you for being understanding and praying for me to find guidance. That being said....

What in the world is it about that man that I love so much? Why can't I let go? I need to let go. This isn't gonna end favorably for me. I'm setting myself up for more heartache. He won't ever leave....period. I've tried so hard to heal myself. I've used other people as a proxy for him but its not the same. What good is a kiss if its not with the one you love? Some would say that I'm getting the best of both worlds. I'm single and I can only deal with him when I want to. That's not enough for me. Any other time, I love dealing with people on my terms. But its different here. He's different. You know how you can just feel it? I can feel it. I can't stop this feeling. Maybe I'm living in la-la land...Anyways, we talked today. He told me the same ole, same ole. I know that if I settle for someone who my heart doesn't love, I will regret it. I'm trying soooo hard to move on. I've been dating and everyone just bores me. They annoy me. Its either they don't know how to hold a conversation. They're not intelligent. They're all about sex. They're weird...and not in a good way. I've always had that problem. People don't get me. Even my dad doesn't get me...but that's another subject. There's only been a few people that got me and he's one of them. And he's hella handsome. He put his FB page back and there's a picture on there with him and his mom. And he looks so adorable! I think that picture made me all the more confused. He looked so happy. Actually, I had never seen him look so happy...and they took that picture after he broke up with me. He had cut everyone off and was focusing on his family. And he looked happy. I think I just got my answer...even though...The lyrics to Brandy's "Have U Ever?" comes to mind.

Have you loved somebody so much it makes you cry?

Have you ever needed someone so bad you can't sleep at night?

Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?

Have you been love so bad that you'd do anything to make them understand?

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away that you'd give anything to make them feel the same?

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart but you don't know what to say or where to start?

Have you ever found the one you dreamed of all your life that you'd do just anything to look into their eyes?

Have you ever found the one that you've given your heart to only to find that one won't give their heart to you?

Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there and all you can do is wait for the day when they will care?

What do I have do to get you in my arms babe?

What do I have to say to get to your heart?

To make you understand that I need you next to me

Gotta get you in my world 'cause babe I can't sleep

Those words are real talk right now. I think I need to hit the studio...I sound good singing this Brandy song. I'mma call Freddie in the morning lol. Just need to change the octave. Anyways, I needed to get that off my chest. I don't really have anyone to vent to anymore. I'm sure people are tired of hearing this horrible saga. Going to bed...XOXO