Earlene's birthday was yesterday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY 'LENE!!!
Yesterday, Nate and I fell out finally....I mean its final. I'm cool with it. He was an asshole when we were together and I'm not going back to Egypt, especially for him. At first I wasn't taking him seriously. He was just an ego-boost for me. Then he started coming at me which was funny to me 'cause...I don't want him. Then when he opened up and told me that he was in a hard place in his life. I looked at him in a new light but, of course, the jerk Nate rose up. On Friday, he told me that he needed to take time to get over his feelings for me before we could be cool. He was acting real distant and said that when a person's feelings get hurt, they act like that. How in world did I hurt his feelings? Because I don't like him? Craziness....So I was prepared to not speak to him again until he texted me on Monday. He asked me if I wanted to go the studio with him. Studio? Please.....its a storefront house on the westside and the "studio" is in the back where they store the garbage. There was a 7foot pile of empty beer boxes and a DJ table with equipment. That's a studio? Yeah ok lol. So I told him that I would think about it. He then asked me if I could pick him up from work downtown. Is he a f-ing idiot??? Pick him up? Get real! So I stood him up and told him that I was all the way South near Kankakee and was stuck in traffic. He kept texting me asking me where I was saying that he needed my energy. Who the hell does he think he's fooling? He needed something and that was my car. So when I told him that it would be another hour before I got there, he told me to not come. Now let me tell you how he called me. He calls me saying "Where you at? Come on...my phone is dying. Where you at?" Why is he calling me like he's my f-ing daddy? So I told him the lie about traffic and he told me never mind and take care of my business. I was like "Are you sure?" and he said sure.
Then he texted me a few moments later this verbatim "I can never count on you even as a friend wow."
So texted back "Really...you're tripping on circumstances that are outta my control? Yeah ok lol...i'm sorry you feel that way. And never? Really? Haha...so sad that you think that?"
He texted me back "Have a good evening and life."
I texted back "And life? Ok...u 2" and he texted back "Yep."
Why are we falling out 'cause I can't come to his studio? 'Cause it was more than that. He was using me! I don't like being used!!! It pisses me off royally! So he's history until he needs something else of course lol. Let's talk about another gentleman in my life. I promised Kesha that I would keep it real on here. I was allowing situations to censor what I talked about in order to keep up an image. So here I am talking about what's on my mind. I can't promise that I'll always do that but I'm doing it today. I had a brief...and I do mean brief setback in my feelings for Alfonse. For the most part, I have accepted the fact that we aren't together and that we won't ever be together. It was a hard process but I'm going through it. And my process probably isn't like everyone else's but it's working for me for right now. I think that time will work everything else out. But today I talked to him on the phone and....I'm waivering even as I'm writing this. We were talking about something and I just wanted to scream "Why can't you choose me? Why not me? What's wrong with me?" Well...not really what's wrong with me but the other two questions definitely. Why can't he choose me? I know the kids are a major factor but other than them, why not me? I know that common sense would tell us both that I'm crazy but what if I'm wrong? What if I'm what he needs? And he's what I need? But more importantly, why not me? I know his wife is a good woman and I don't know anything negative about her. I've only heard good things but what does she have that I don't have? What is it about her that makes me lose? I actually started crying on the phone. I couldn't even believe I still felt that way about him. After everything that went down and all that I know and what I'm looking for, I'm still in love with that boy. Then he said something that stung. In the midst of the conversation, he said that he wouldn't share his wife with another man but he would share me if I wanted it. Are you serious??? So I'm the whore and she's the immaculate virgin Mary? That kinda snapped me back to reality. Then he talked about the wedding they want to have next year. Blah....Why not me? Why can't it be me? And I can hear you all saying "Thank God its not you." And you are probably right...this sucks. Anyways.... Renee is having a birthday party on the 13th which I am SERIOUSLY debating on going to. If I go, then I would have to change my previous plans. I think I should 'cause if I'm having these feelings then this trip will not be conducive. This might set me back. Gotta think about it so I'll keep you all updated. Remember, no judging lol. XOXO
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