Death comes in 3s

They said that death comes in 3s so I think everything is going according to plan. As you know, Earlene passed away this summer. Now Marshawn is dying and Bishop Parchia died today. I am so sad...not about Bishop Parchia but about Marshie. Earl said that he looks so bad. He went with my dad to see him on Sunday and he said that he was speechless. Now y'all know that Earl is not emotional but he said that he was speechless. He went to see him again earlier today and he told me that he don't think Marshie has long. I am so sad...tears are falling right now. I can't believe it. Earl said he weighs about 80pds and he's in the Holy Cross hospice. It makes you think..and be grateful. AIDS is real and me and Earl was just saying that we are so thankful....grateful for God's grace. It could've been us. We've both had unprotected sex before....and I had it with someone who was careless in being monogamous. And Marshawn is so young...and he never had a chance. I wonder if he's in pain...or what he's thinking. Earl, Tara and I are going to go see him tomorrow. I know that I'm going to break down. I couldn't hardly stand to see him when he would come to church. It would hurt my heart so much. And I don't want to break down so much that I bring him down. Even thinking about seeing him is making me anxious. Its hard to see a loved one dying...especially when you remember what they were before they got sick. And the dreams that he had...to be a doctor. Oh man................

I had a disturbing dream last night. I dreamt about this man that I'm kinda involved with. We were talking on the phone and he told me that we had a sex tape of us. I was kinda shocked then embarrassed then I was cool with it. So while we were talking, I sat in the park behind his house talking to him...or at least I thought it was his house. As I'm sitting on a bench that is leaning against this house, he walks out the door that is right next to the bench. We're both shocked to see each other but he pretends to not know me. Then his kids come outside and start playing. I feel real awkward and get on my phone and start talking to someone else. While doing that, he keeps trying to get my attention. One of his kids wants to play with me. I had never been introduced to his kids and didn't know if I was supposed to so I felt real awkward. Then while I'm sitting there, this woman walks out the same door with Monica from the shop. I immediately know who this woman is without being told....its his wife. So I'm really feeling awkward. In my awkwardness, I speak to Monica and she says "Hey Carmen." When she says my name, the wife glares at me in disbelief. I hear the man's voice tell me in my head to look real mean and stay on my phone. My mind is racing because all of these facts are coming to the front - his wife knows who I am, his kids know who I am, and she HATES me. I'm trying to figure out how I can leave without causing drama. The wife walks to her husband and they sit down and start talking. Within a few moments, he has her laughing and has calmed her down. I'm guarded 'cause I just know that I'm about to be scrapping. She walks past me and back into the house. I get up to leave and he tells me not to leave. I'm tripping 'cause I think that he sold me out and lied about our relationship. He said that he did what he had to do to de-escalate the situation. She and one of her kids come back out and the kid is glaring at me like he knows everything. By this time, I'm getting upset 'cause I'm in a public place...my property that soon comes to revelation. I'm in the empty lot right across from the Cleaners that belongs to us on 74th and Halsted. So she gets in my face and wants to hug it out. Huh? I'm confused so I hesitantly hug her and she whispers in my ear that she knows about me and her husband and if her kids weren't around, she would whip my ass. I automatically get defensive 'cause I'm not just taking an ass whipping. I'm Darlene's child...and I'm a Bell lol. So she asks me if I can afford her husband 'cause he's expensive. I start talking like I knew exactly what she was talking about. I told her that my family owned both blocks on 74th Street. And we owned two other cleaners around the city of Chicago. She seemed upset to hear that and kinda squeezed me real hard and walked away. I then woke up. After a couple of minutes, I went back to sleep. This time I dreamt that this guy got sick and was in the hospital. Because I was not supposed to be in his life, I couldn't call and see how he was doing. Then it switched and I was sick in the hospital and he couldn't call and see how I was doing. I started crying in my sleep...pillow soaked lol. Then it switched AGAIN (lol) and he died. I went to the funeral and sat in the back. I didn't walk around because I didn't want to cause any drama. I couldn't express how much he meant to me. I couldn't express how much I would miss him. I couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't comfort his family or give my condolences. Then the dream switched AGAIN (I'm so serious lol) and I died. He didn't even come to the funeral because he didn't have an excuse to come...he couldn't tell anyone that he knew me let alone "knew" me. I woke up so sad. Then I get the information about Marshawn....It feels like death was all around me today.

Did I talk about my weekend? Ummmmm.....impromptu trip to Philly, sleep, emergency room, and Grey's Anatomy. Yep....that was my weekend. I talked to Eric. Apparently he and Debra are having problems. He says that he thinks that she is pulling from him and she thinks that he is seeing someone else. Such drama and they ain't even married. But Debra has basis to not really trust him. If I wanted him, I could easily have him. There are times when he texts me LATE at night that I've got to check him. He starts talking real provocative...and then the stuff he says on my facebook page....its rated NC-17. Then this one guy comes up to me and tells me: I can't lie to you, I want you. What's your name and number? I laughed so hard in his face then apologized but he took me by surprise. He put it right out there. And I realized that I don't have a problem getting men to want me but I have a problem with getting men to want to be my boyfriend....boo! And Lord knows that I'm not ready to get married right now. I don't think I'm emotionally prepared...I can see myself asking for a divorce as soon as I got bored. I told Kesha that when we go to Vegas, I want to marry someone in those cheesy chapels only to get it annulled a few days later. Crazy? I just wanna mark it off my list of crazy things to do like the other things I've done.

Speaking of Philly (my mind is definitely speedballing), I didn't see Alfonse. I know you all are sighing a sigh of relief lol...except that crazy woman that left that comment on my page. I didn't get a chance to comment on that yet. I wanted to get my birthday gift and just see him. We were not going to do anything!!!! To be honest, I think that's why we didn't see each other because he knew that nothing was going down. Normally, I don't really hear from him but when he found out I was coming, he even called me. Now you know that's a rare commodity...to get a phone call from him. He was trying to talk things over so he could get in but I'm not stupid. I knew what he was doing which pissed me off. But I noticed that I am mad at him alot. I guess its because I miss him...I miss my friend. I had comfort in him calling me and telling me about his day or what was bothering him. Now I get nothing. He could've cut his nose off and put on a fake wig and I wouldn't even know. I'm in the dark and he said that he didn't know that he should keep in touch with me. Anytime he wants to, he can come here and read about what's going on in my life. He can text me or call me and he's got access to me. Me, on the other hand, can not do any of those things. I've got to wonder what's going on in his life when it comes across my mind. I don't like it at all but I guess that's the reality of dealing with married people.

Speaking of married people, Anita thinks that Brett and Serita are splitting. She said that she thinks something real freaky happened in Vegas and now she wants to split. I really thought that he was better. He doesn't flirt with me anymore...but I don't really see him anymore. I was just thinking last week of when he came down to Tulsa...that was scandalous! And Earl and Toya are done. And Jerome and Diane are done. Divorce is in the air which is so sad. Speaking of divorce in a roundabout way, Candace saw Maurice last week. He told her to tell me that he's looking for me 'cause he never sees me anymore. He said that I'm always ghost. I think that if I saw him, I wouldn't trip out like I usually do. I really do think that I'm over him. I can actually listen to his music and not cringe or reminisce. I'm actually listening to Ooh Ahh remix right now and I'm cool. Now if he flirts with me, I PRAY that I can contain myself. Or I could tap into my inner bad girl and flirt right back. I'm not the same Carmen that he used to know....I can't do that lol. I remember when I used to believe that we were meant to be...haha. Such naiveness. Besides that man got too many kids for me lol. Just testimony that I got no problem getting a man to want me. Johnny was back at it the other day. Normally I just ignore him but since Shannon told me that he said something to her, I'm starting to pay attention. It is flattering...Johnny got game. And he's not unattractive...if only he was younger or I was older lol. SHUT UP KESHA LOL!!! Raymond too...he's an attractive older man. I wonder what he's doing in regards to sex since his wife is bedridden. She don't even come upstairs. He's a good man to take care of TWO sick women. He's gotta be stressed...how does he relieve that stress? HAHA....just wondering. And you know that Diane said that she should've warned Jerome that since it had been 17 years since she'd had sex, she wouldn't be able to give it to him regularly because she was outta practice. PLEASE.....17 years? I'm doing nonstop for a good three months lol. He would've thought that I invented sex with all that built up energy. Anyways about to get on the phone with Kevin so we can watch this movie (one of the benefits of grieving lol). XOXO