Why am I so upset?

Monday morning, Alfonse texted me telling me that he went to the same concert that Sunday with his wife. Ugh....I so didn't wanna hear that. So I pretended to act like I didn't care. Then he asked me if I was using those guys to just have fun. I was immediately upset for two reasons: 1.) I didn't want to think of myself as using anyone and 2.) he acted oblivious to the issue at hand. The previous week, he was leading me to believe that he still wanted me. We talked about hanging out around the Halloween holiday and me setting the boundaries for our relationship. So that entire weekend, I wondered and pondered and thought about being with him. Yeah, I know what you all are saying but I'm being honest...this is real talk. So come Monday, he didn't mention anything about it. How dare he???? I thought about him all weekend and all he could say was that he went to a sexy concert with his wife?!? He pulled me back in. Kevin was so right. He told me that he didn't want me seeing him anymore because I would get hurt all over again. And when I japped off on him, he blew me off with a "I'm a work" comment and left it like that. Its been 4 days since then and I haven't heard a peep from him. Now I know that he doesn't owe me anything in regards to calling me or answering to me. But I thought that he would've at least called or followed up on our conversation. I am so pissed at him right now. Neecey was saying that I was going to call him and apologize and make excuses for him like I always do. And that thought crossed my mind several times but...I'm not in the wrong. He came after me!!! He texted me!!! He said that he wanted me!!! He started the conversation!!! I'm just so pissed at him. Ugh....now to part 2 of the reason I was upset. I evaluated my relationships with some people and realized that I was using them. In my previous post, I mentioned how I could parallel Gregory to me. I can't say the same for Pierre 'cause he knows that I'm emotionally hurt and unavailable right now. I never hid that from him. But Gregory...I was just talking to him to pass the time. And I realized that he was starting to talk about us being together. I didn't wanna hurt his feelings so I didn't discourage him. But I don't even like talking to him...he annoys me. But he'll hit me up and ask me how I'm doing and get mad if I don't contact him everyday. Seems familiar?? But here's the kicker: I don't contact him everyday because I don't like him. So was that Alfonse's reasoning? He only called when he wanted one of my stories? It didn't feel good when he used to do that to me so I stopped doing it to Gregory. I told him the truth and he was hurt. Just like Nate...he said that he didn't want anything to do with me. But then I got to thinking...how can you get mad at me 'cause I don't want you? And then I had to ask myself the same question. Hypocrisy is something else. I haven't told Kevin about this week 'cause I know I'm gonna hear a big "I told you so." I'm just feeling so confused and fragile. I need to be held...I need to release some things. So I think I will make a surprise visit to Kevin this weekend so I can talk and feel better. I've tried so hard this week to ignore it like I usually do but something is keeping me emotional. I don't know what it is....

Anyways, I think I'm getting a new job working as a social worker with at-risk kids from Julian HS or working at the Gary Comer Center. Candace has the hook-up for both of those positions and is helping me get in there. I can't do the kids anymore. Yeah its good money but its not reliable and no good benefits. I'm looking for something in my field 'cause its time-out for just working any ole job. I need to focus on my career. I got an intern class next year so hopefully that'll open some doors. It would be nice if I could intern with the Board of Education. The psychologists get crazy paid! And they pretty much set their own hours. And its not too demanding if you don't mind paperwork. So from my fingers to God's ears lol. I'm still working on getting this condo in Bronzeville. There are so many condos that are selling for crazy cheap...houses too. I talked to Kevin and our Jamaica trip is scheduled for Christmas. I am so excited. It would've been better to go to the Bahamas but he's from Jamaica so that's where we're going. All I need is my passport and plane ticket. It would be nice to bring some of the girls and we stay at a resort. I'm going to see if I can work that out. He said that there are so many waterfalls to make love under...just like the movie Cocktail. OMG...I am crazy excited.

Now speaking of the Bahamas...I had the sexiest and hottest dream about JD. I haven't talked to him, thought about him or seen him in forever. I think it was year before last that I had a dream about him that prompted me to wanna go to the Bahamas for Christmas. And now I've had another one. We were at his parent's church and he asked me to sing something. I just went to the mic and started singing some words that came out to be a song. It was good. The worshipper inside of me came out. Afterwards, he said to me that he didn't know I could sing that way. I told him that I had changed. So we're just talking and I'm watching him and noticing how good-looking he'd gotten. Service was about to start and as time went on, the more turned on I got. So I told him that I wanted to tell him something. I was going to tell him that I was attracted to him but needed privacy. We went to the bathroom and then someone came in after us. As we were walking out the sanctuary to find some place quiet, I saw lots of my friends. I saw Della dressed in this beautiful purple outfit that was satin or something. She was sitting in the pulpit between JD's parents. She was the assistant pastor of the church. Then I saw Tammy walking with the choir. I noticed how everyone was dressed all the way up. I think I was kinda casual. I just remembered thinking that I didn't fit in with them. So we're looking for places to go to talk and keep running into people we knew like Durward and Tremaine and Keyda. So finally we make it to the front door of the church. It was dark 'cause everyone was in the sanctuary. I was worried that we wouldn't have enough time to talk because he was needed as the keyboardist to start service. He turns to me and asks me what I wanted. The look on his face told me that he felt the same way and we just started kissing. It was so hot!!! It was like I tried to taste and savor each kiss like they were drops of water and I was parched with thirst. We lowered to the ground kissing and I felt my whole body tingle...then I woke up. I was so pissed. But I wonder what that dream was about? And where'd it come from? And why is this the second time I've dreamt about kissing him? And why his kisses are the closest I've come to that are perfect? Well gotta go...XOXO