Nightmares and sickness is everywhere

Today was a crazy day. First of all, I can't really sleep. I don't know why but I've been having the craziest dreams. One part of the dream was that I was a thief and was being chased around this store. I made it outside to the getaway car and drove to a gas station. I couldn't really see so I don't know where exactly I was at. Then another part of the dream was I was in class at this large university. It was night class and I was sitting in there bored. In comes Alfonse and he's chatting up this girl and being real loud. I gradually got mad because he was making too much noise. Finally, we took a break and I went to do something. After the break, I was bored and ready to go. Apparently, he was waiting for his ride to come pick him up. He stayed at the school everyday until 9pm waiting. He didn't mind because it was a break for him. He convinced me to ditch the rest of the class and hang out with him. It didn't take too much convincing since the second half of class was like some study hall. I go in the hallway and realize that I wanna go home. We ride down the escalator together and I head outside. He becomes preoccupied with the same girl to come outside. I get jealous so I go back inside and smack the taste out of his mouth. Crazy, huh? I would never use violence. Another part of the dream was that I was in my room (not my current room) and it was cluttered. My father kept coming in asking me to straighten up but I was so busy doing other things that I didn't get a chance to do it. Then I would put the stuff in piles and try to cover it with blankets and stuff. He found the piles and got so mad at me. I think that's when I became a thief. And the last part of the dream that really shook me (all this in one night mind you) was that I was sitting in my grandmother's old kitchen on Paulina and just chilling. I look at my watch and get panicky. I think "What day is it?" Someone says that it is Tuesday night around 5:30pm. I have class on Tuesdays at 6pm. I am not ready to leave and I wouldn't get there on time...the class would be over by the time I got there. Then I remember that I was late the week before and I just KNOW that I've flunked the class. Then I think that my life is over and worthless and I feel this impeding doom. I get real depressed and anxious at the same time. It was so overpowering that I woke up and jumped out the bed. I find myself standing in the room looking at my door thinking "I'm supposed to be doing something right now." I couldn't think of what I was supposed to be doing. I looked at my phone and it was 4am. I sat there and watched Jerry Springer and fell back to sleep. That's when I had the dream about me being in class with Alfonse. Crazy, right? lol

Today my dad and I went to visit Nicky and Grandma in the hospital. When I walked in Nicky's room, my heart just sank. She looked so little and frail lying in the bed. She couldn't hardly keep her eyes open. I was fighting to not cry. We stayed only for about 3 minutes. I didn't know what to say. I just kept thinking "AIDS is a bitch." Her no-good husband gave it to her. And I remembered Marshawn. Whoooo....its just so sad about them. That disease just eats them up until there is nothing left. Nicky used to be a healthy stocky girl....hell, she was a Bell. And to see her now. She can't walk, she's sooooo thin. I'm trying to keep the faith but I don't know how long she's gonna be with us. I pray she'll be here for a long while but what kind of quality of life is that? In the end, its up to her. Does she wanna hold on? Does she want to stay alive? I just pray that God's will and her desires be done. Then we go see Beulah Bell. She was in the hospital telling the folks what to do with this smile on her face. It was hilarious. Everyone knew Ms. Bell lol. What really tripped me out was that they discharged her without her ever gaining strength in her legs to walk. And my father sat on the bed so I weighed him. Then we traded places and he weighed me. I was so depressed afterwards. Its sad that I've gained so much weight since last year around this time. Blah! I've got to get my act together.

Uncle Roy's funeral is Monday at Andrew Singleton's church. I am so not looking forward to dealing with the Gogins family. And I know that my defenses are gonna be up so any little thing might set me off. Especially Alan's kids and Pat's kids. Ugh! And I know all that stuff went down years ago but they are still keeping it up. But maybe its my imagination. I'm gonna need reinforcements...I'm gonna have to be extremely happy to deal with them. And while there are only a few things that can put a permanent smile on my face (and some of those things are not obtainable), I need to find something or someone. Who can I get to go to this funeral with me? Maybe Earl. He'll keep them laughing so that nothing will jump off. However, I don't particularly trust him. He might turn into Jerk Otis at some point especially if I'm acting funny. I can't think of anyone I'd want to bring around my family.

I haven't heard from Kevin in like 2 weeks. I wonder if he's mad at me 'cause I can't go to Jamaica at the end of the month. He can't be mad about that. Stuff happens and I have responsibilities. I don't have a dog sitter for Dash and Lucky, especially for a whole week. But the real reason I'm not going to Jamaica is because Alfonse is scheduled to make a guest appearance here in Chicago. I hate that I am excited and looking forward to seeing him. Y'all know me...I like to play it cool. I don't like making plans around other people. I like to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. I don't like tipping my hand about my feelings too much. And I especially don't like making plans around stuff that is not set in stone. I believe he's coming to Chicago but what part am I gonna play in that? I haven't really heard anything about that. Most people who are excited about seeing someone would be making all of these plans like going to the show, visiting sites, doing stuff, etc. The only plans he made was revolved around sex....and a comedy club. That definitely makes me think. Is that all I am? Lord knows, I love it but I don't want that to be a large percentage of our relationship. But who am I kidding...isn't that what it is? He's not looking for a relationship because he's married. He's looking for sex and that's what I am. What I need to ask myself is...Is that what I really want? I told myself that I could deal with that if I got what I wanted. But its been 2 years and...idk. I know that when he reads this, he's gonna say that he doesn't like where my talking is going so I'm going to let it to. Back to Kevin....And its probably been longer since I've heard from Michael. I wonder why they wanna get me down there so bad. And how can an airport skycapper afford to go to Jamaica twice in a 3-month time....and he was calling me hinting around that he needed money to get his truck fixed. It really makes me suspicious about what they really have planned. I could just be paranoid but one can never be too careful.

I still haven't heard from Julie about my grade. She had better not forget!!! I can't afford to waste anymore time or money or GPAs on this. I just can't forget that I forgot to write my name on my homework. But if she were more proactive in turning back homework and giving feedback, then I wouldn't be in this predictament. I just bought my book for this class....$115. Can you believe that ONE book costs that much? And I'm not gonna read most of it. I'm gonna skim through it...if I do that much 'cause there are no tests with this class. Well let me go finish reading and get mentally prepared for this class. I just can't wait until my little mini-vacay. Smooches! XOXO

P.S. I think I have a bit of my father in me. I can be so antisocial when I wanna be. There are days when I don't mind being bothered and some days when I do mind. For example, there was this lady that called me last week that visited the church. How she got my number is beyond me. She called me asking for Dan's number 'cause she wanted him to help her with her young people. I told her that I would give him her number. Then I told her about Bible class and that he'd be there. Wednesday comes and she shows up extremely early. She was just sitting there so I went over and introduced myself to her. After we realized who each other were, we chatting for a moment. I was ready to leave her alone 'cause I was done chatting but I didn't wanna be rude just leaving her sitting all alone. From that, I guess she thought that we'd be friends. She started calling me asking me to work out with her and stuff. I didn't mind but I wasn't in the market for new friends. Is that wrong to feel that way? So now I find myself dodging her because I don't particularly wanna be homies with her. Its cool to chat for a few moments but to just hang out? I'm not interested. And now, I was about to head to class when I saw this guy I took a few classes with come around the corner. Each time I see him, we kinda chat and stuff. He's not overly bearing but he gives me his number each time I see him. I'm not in the mood to be all smily and friendly. I'm kinda cranky today. So now I'm sitting over here in the corner typing to avoid him. I wonder if I can grab my stuff and slink onto the elevator without him noticing me? But I also wanna go to the cafeteria to get something to drink. My throat is feeling funny so I should get something hot to drink but I don't wanna fall asleep. I can't do it. Everytime the elevator doors open up, he looks up and at them. There is no way unless I play my oblivious rude role where I look busy and act like I can't hear nothing lol. I hate playing that role though. Its so immature and childlike. I guess I gotta chaulk it up and play the role. Okay now I'm about to go. I gotta get to class early to get my seat!