Step 1

Foolish Games by Jewel really sums up how I feel and what is going on with Alfonse. I changed my blog's address so he couldn't have access to it anymore. Just one more step to delete him from my life. I deleted my extra blogs in case he remembered the url. My phone broke Sunday night so when he called and texted Monday morning, I couldn't respond. While I am somewhat sad, I feel liberated and strong. I just wish he was single. I wish he was available. I wish he wanted to be with JUST me. I just wish....I see that he's getting so excited about the wedding. He's inviting all of his family so that means there are invitations. It seems to be a real big deal. And that means that he really wants to do it. He puts on this persona that he doesn't want to go through with it but I got a feeling that he's more excited than she is. And if he really wants to be with her, then why am I here? For his sexual pleasure? Its not making me feel good to be used like that. So I have to go! I have to leave him alone. Besides, he hasn't stopped his sex surfing. I know I said I trust him and to some degree I do...or at least I want to. I don't think he's done anything but maybe flirted around with the idea. But who knows? Who woulda thunk that he had that many women the last time, right? So much that he said to me that I should wash my va-jay-jay out because of him. What kind of man says that to the woman he supposedly loves? He wouldn't have said that to his wife. And then going to that funeral yesterday (whole 'nother blog lol) made me realize that we have two separate lives. If he were to die tomorrow, no one would know the impact he had in my life. And I would probably be hurt by the lack of impact I had in his. Anyways, I'm writing a paper that is DUE TODAY so I will quote these Jewel lyrics and sign off. Lyrics in bold especially relate to my feelings!


You took your coat off and stood in the rain, you're always crazy like that.

And I watched from my window, always felt I was outside looking in on you.

You're always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair,

You were fashionably sensitive but too cool to care.

You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say besides some comment on the weather.


Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see,

This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees, and...

These foolish games are tearing me apart,

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.


You're breaking my heart.


You're always brilliant in the morning,

Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.

Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.

You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones

As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You'd teach me of honest things,

Things that were daring, things that were clean.

Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.

I hid my soiled hands behind my back.

Somewhere along the line, I must've got off track with you.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,


Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself.

These foolish games are tearing me apart,


And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.


You're breaking my heart.

You took your coat off,

Stood in the rain,

You're always crazy like that.