I HATE WEDDINGS!!!

***WARNING: THIS BLOG RAMBLES ON AND IS RATHER RANDOM****

Have you ever been at the point where its "pee or get off the pot"? That's where I am right now. I've been with Alfonse for 2.5 years. And yeah I knew his situation when I walked in and I thought that I could handle it. But I've fallen in love with him. In all honesty, I want to be with him. I wanna wake up to him. I wanna fall asleep next to him. I wanna be there when he's feeling down. I wanna be there when he's happy. I wanna celebrate birthdays with him. I wanna celebrate holidays. I wanna encourage him. I wanna build him up. I wanna build a life with him. I wanna maybe start a family with him. I wanna depend on him. There are times when I want to hear his voice or see his face. When I see these deals for these vacations, I wanna buy them for us. But the effing realization is that won't ever happen. And here I am with all of these feelings that I can't express to nobody because my friends are too selfish to just be friends. They all wanna say "He ain't this...he ain't that...he's this...he's that" and I don't need to hear that. I don't wanna hear that! Its crazy that I'm always listening to everyone and being there and supporting but I feel so alone. And I can't express this to Alfonse because he don't get it either. All he ever says is "I feel the same way." What does that even mean? He doesn't feel the same way because if he did, then I wouldn't have to tell him how I feel over and over again. I've written so many blogs about how I felt about him. Why isn't that enough??? Then when I saw him for his birthday, I was taking notes on things. After I saw him on that Wednesday, I was expecting him to at least call me on the ride home. If it were me, I would've called during the ride home just because I didn't wanna leave him. Or I would text him during the day whenever I was thinking of him. Even if I had to go to the bathroom, I would do it. But he says that he can't do that. And this whole "detox" thing is a ego blow all the time. Who wants to hear that the person they are in love with needs to "detox" from them? And when he detox, I do too. I get mad. I get sad. I start to say "forget him." And then this whole vow renewal is disturbing to me. He's remarrying his wife! He's gonna reconfess his love her her and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Where do I fit in? Nowhere. And it makes me angry. If I follow my mind and leave, then I'm hurt. If I follow my heart and stay, then I'm hurt. Either way I'm hurt. Then my parents are renewing their vows this year and want me in the wedding. I don't wanna be a part of it all because of my feelings about Alfonse's wedding. My parents are celebrating 35 years. They will represent Alfonse and his wife. This happy family that is celebrating this couple's love. Ugh....And I can't believe that I'm sitting here crying like this. This is ridiculous! Can you believe that after we talked/texted today that I went out to my car and cried for like an hour? I couldn't even go to class or finish work. I just went home. I'm ridiculous lol. Its hard to say goodbye to the longest relationship I've ever had. Its hard to say goodbye to the man I envisioned marrying and starting a family with. Its hard to say goodbye to my first love. Its hard to say goodbye to all of this which has been my whole life for 2 years. And its hard to say goodbye to the future that I wanted with him. And he accuses me of mentally checking out on the relationship. I'm in this relationship 24/7! This relationship is my life. I remember one time when we were together that I wanted to take a picture with him on my phone...kinda like a family picture. He looked at me like I was crazy. I consider(ed) him as family. That hurt. Then he hit me up today saying that this is getting harder. What's so hard about this? He gets at me whenever he wants to. I hold him to no standard. The only thing is that he doesn't know where I live and I'm not jumping to have him come over. Quiet as kept, I do that to make me feel better. I feel like his decision to never leave his family (even when the kids get older) or even say something like he's not happy or anything is a slap in my face. So to pay him back, I won't let him come over. And even saying what I just said makes me feel bad that I'm admitting to this. I sound so cold and crazy. I can't compete with his family...what makes me think I could? And I wouldn't wanna put him or the kids through that stress. This just sucks! And now my parents are mad at me because I don't wanna participate in this wedding. I guess I gotta suck it in like I do everything else and just do it. No one understands what I'm feeling. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had a friend. Anyways, it felt good to get this off of my chest without having to explain or apologize. With a friend, I would have to explain about his propensity to cheat. And then I would have to answer that age-old question: If he'd cheat on his wife now, what makes you think he won't cheat on you? And I can't answer that question. He probably would cheat on me. Actually I know he would. So the question is: why do you want that? Don't you think you deserve better than that? And that's the question that stumps me. I do deserve better than that. But I think higher of him than he does of himself. I don't know why he cheats. I don't know why he slums with people who don't care about him. Its just sex. I'm so over sex. I enjoy intimacy and knowing the person I sleep with. And then sex after marriage is sooooo much better. Or if both partners are single lol. Well its so late and I've gotta get up for work so smooches! XOXO