Its been a whole month since I've talked to Alfonse. Its definitely been bittersweet. Every morning I wake up looking at my phone and emails to see if he called. I check my phone periodically to see if he was online. After a few weeks, I deleted him from google chat. Then I deleted him from yahoo chat. That way I could eliminate my obsessive behavior. With those forms of communication gone, I can't talk to him anymore. I already changed my blog address. I have been thinking of changing it back but I don't want him to use this to feed his curiosity with me. If I can't feed mine, then why should he feed his? Then he'll use it to open the door. He'll read something and say stuff like 'Congratulations on...or I'm sorry to hear about...' I did send him a couple of emails but I didn't get any response. Am I sad? Hell yeah. I was in love with this man. I don't know exactly why I was in love with him but I was. I enjoyed talking to him. He was funny. But I'm too good of a woman to deal with that. He treated me like shit! He dangled me on a string for over two years. Why in the hell did I stay? Honestly because I believed that it would get better once he saw that I wanted him. Foolish, huh? I just feel so stupid and angry. I feel angry because he thinks its okay to just ignore me. He THINKS its okay?!? And the way he treated me when he came to Chicago in September was beyond the breaking point. And if I make this easy on him, then he'll think that he can keep doing this. I know he won't fight for me which makes me super sad but....oh well. I need my 90's music to help heal me. I noticed that I am depressed. I hate getting up in the morning. I find any excuse to not go to bed. I alienate myself from people at times. It saddens me that he's doing fine...no emotional repercussions. I'll get over it in time. I miss him though. I was actually planning on going there in December but....no! I'm not putting myself out there for him anymore. If he wants me, he knows where I am and what to do. Besides...the sex wasn't good. I think out of everyone, Kevin was the best. OMG....he was good. But I just don't like his cockiness. Its like he knows he's good and throws that in my face. I need him to be a bit more humble.
On another note, I'm loving my new house!!! Its crazy that I'm loving life but still depressed lol. It feels good to be needed. I love coming home to cook dinner and clean for Keith. I love hanging with him. I love being with him. So why do I miss Alfonse like crazy??? Besides it comes in waves. Only when I allow myself to feel.
I went to my first Swap Meet with Tristan and Peanut and Genale. I bought an authentic Mexican hat which either got raves or crazy looks. I got some leg warmers. I'm excited! It was crazy fun at that meet. Next time, I'm going to drag Earl with me. Speaking of, we had a long good talk last week. I'm glad I have him in my life. I love that man like crazy and appreciate his sincere honesty with me. I can honestly say that he's never lied to me. I trust him irrevocably.
TWILIGHT was so good! I will always be Team Jacob but now Bella's a vampire...had a baby girl who Jacob imprinted on....and married to Edward. I really wanted Bella to be with Jacob. He's now got to wait a good eighteen years before he can get some. Sucks. I can't wait for the next movie to come out next year. I think I saw it say it comes out next November. I will have to fly back to see it with Candace. Idk if they'll have that deal in Philly. Maybe I can fly her to me. But all I know is that we've got to see it together.
I'm going to bed. My eyes are heavy and I've got a long day tomorrow.
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