My last post really helped me sort out my feelings and I feel great!!!! Yeah I get sad at times and hell yeah I miss him but.... I'm finding that now I have to reconstruct my fantasies. For the majority of 4 years, I've fantasized about sex with him and him only. I used to fantasize going to bed with him and waking up to him. I used to fantasize about us going on trips and vacations. I had certain sexy songs that reminded me of him...reminded me of touching him or kissing him or licking him or...use your imagination. So now I'm left with WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL OF THAT NOW?
Some people would say find someone - a surrogate, rebound - to help with all of that. But here's the kicker: I don't wanna do that anymore. I always said that if I wasn't having sex with Alfonse, then I would be celibate. Don't get it twisted! Its not because he was the bomb in the bed but because its spiritually right. Do I want to be celibate? Of course not. But I have to be until I get married. Yeah its gonna be hard. And I've been contemplating with being sexually pure which means no masturbation, no phone sex, no nothing. But what do you do when you're hormonal? Because when I'm hormonal, I need it EVERYDAY. And its gotten to the point that I can't go to sleep until I have an orgasm. Being sexually pure is going to be a challenge but that's what God requires of us all so why not?
To be totally honest right now, I tried doing the cutting Alfonse off cold turkey but I couldn't do it. The anxiety was too great so I eased it with fantasizing about him. But pretty soon, Imma need to stop doing that because that's not gonna help me move on. Its just that sometimes I just wanna be bad like I was in January. That was so hot!!!!! I sometimes pleasure myself to that memory. STOP CARMEN! I'm sorry my mind just wandered. I think I need to be more cautious of what I listen to and what I watch. Stay busy. Read my Bible. Pray. Worship. Maybe I'll journal about this journey of being sexual pure. I can tell you that it ain't starting tonight. I'm listening to 112's Anywhere and it set it off lol. IDK what the purpose of this entry was exactly. I had a great idea this afternoon to discuss fantasy but my mind ain't really into it, I guess. I've said everything I wanted to say and have been truthful but its not flowing as well as the previous entry.
Oh well, I'm going to bed! GN!
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