Personality disorders

Tara brought it to my attention the other week that I was a bully growing up. She said that I used to pick on people and get into fights. I do know that I was angry and depressed growing up but I don't know why exactly. She suggested that maybe I was mad at people taking my dad's attention away. I don't know. What if I have a personality disorder? What if I'm crazy? What if I'm a sociopath? I used to think I was narcissistic so here's the definition of the the narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental condition in which sufferers have an inflated opinion of themselves and an intense need for the admiration and attention of others.
 

I don't know if I have an inflated opinion of myself. I do think I'm smarter than people I hang around. I also think that I have more opportunities and advantages than most. But I also know that life is hard and cruel and I could be any one of those individuals with the snap of a finger. I think my plight in life keeps me humble.

I don't have an INTENSE need for admiration or attention. I think because I'm the oldest of with parents who were full-time pastors, I never got the attention I think I deserved. So yeah I love attention but I don't crave it. There are times when I cherish my loneliness and quietness. So I don't think I'm narcissistic.

Narcissists are usually described as arrogant and self-centered. People with NPD can be defensive and may react poorly to criticism. They often exaggerate their own talents and accomplishments while downplaying those of others. They are usually preoccupied by power, success, and beauty. Sufferers often engage in impulsive behaviors, such as risky sex and gambling.
 

 Ummm....I don't think I'm self-centered. I think of others all of the time. But at the same time, I focus on me too.

Now I am defensive and reacts poorly to criticism. I don't why exactly. I don't like people correcting me. That angers me. I think that's because I feel like no one builds me up and compliments me in areas that are important. Yeah I get the "You're so pretty" "You're so cute" "I like your outfit" but no one really says "You're so smart" "You're so sweet" "You're so strong" "You can do it" "I believe in you". So when people give me criticism, its like "Can I do anything right?" I beat myself up enough, I don't need others doing it too.

I don't exaggerate my talents. Do I think I'm talented? Of course! Do I think I could be successful if I put my mind to it? Of course! But that's just confidence. I'm a hell of a writer! I could make money writing if I knew how to go about it.

But I'm not preoccupied with power, success or beauty. None of that really matters at the end of the day. As long as I'm comfortable and safe and loved, I'm good! I don't need nothing else. I do fantasize about being famous with my writing or singing but it don't preoccupy me.
Am I impulsive? No I think so. I have participated in risky sex but gambling? Hell no! I don't like to lose lol. So me narcississtic? I don't think so.

Here's another PD...borderline personality disorder. Here is the definition.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that develops during adolescence or early adulthood. It is marked by a pattern of emotional instability, impulsive behavior, a distorted self-image, and unstable relationships. Approximately 5.9 percent of people will develop BPD.
 

 Ummm....emotional instability? I'm moody and have always been. But I kinda thought that was because I didn't communicate my feelings successfully. I harbor alot and don't express myself until I'm upset. And I don't know how to say I'm upset...I just react. But there are times when I'm just snappy for no reason. I guess that falls into moodiness. I'm not impulsive. I like to plan things, even if its for a few minutes or hours. I would take a last minute road trip but I would've thought about it, planned it and scheduled it all.

Distorted self-image...I don't know exactly what that all entails. I do used to think of myself as the fattest person in the world. I used to see myself bigger than what I really was. I would be afraid to walk down a hallway because I was scared I wouldn't fit. Is that distorted self-image? Ooooh it might be. I don't see myself like that anymore too much. I know what I'm working with and embrace myself. Yeah I need to keep losing weight but I don't think I'm the fattest person in the land anymore.

Now unstable relationships? I don't know what all that entails either. Is it unstable to be in relationships with people you're not dating? Earl, Maurice, Jay. Then there are the relationships where I'm not the main chick but a side piece. Nate, Alfonse. So maybe I do have that characteristic. I don't think I stay in crazy relationships where its drama-filled. But have I ever really been in a relationship?!!? Nope so the lack thereof may be a characteristic of unstable relationships.

You may be at risk for developing BPD if:

• you have a family member who has BPD
• you felt emotionally unstable or emotionally vulnerable as a child
• people in your household were impulsive when you were a child
• you were emotionally abused as a child

I don't know of anyone who has BPD in my family.

I did feel emotionally unstable growing up. In the 8th and 9th grade, I was suicidal. Before then, I was angry and unhappy. I felt like I wasn't in control and ignored and picked on.

If anyone in my family was impulsive, it would be my mom. I don't have any specific examples but I know she can do some things that are off the wall and fly by the seat decisions.

Like I said before, I felt picked on growing up. Everything I did, my mom was on me about it. My dad, too, but he was too busy with the church to really worry about me. My mom can pick on something and keep going and going and going and going and going. And I guess growing up like that could maybe be like emotional abuse. She would call me names and break my confidence. She would make me doubt myself alot. But is that emotional abuse? I don't know.

You must meet at least five of the following criteria to be diagnosed with BPD:

• You frantically try to avoid real or imaginary abandonment.
• You have a pattern of unstable relationships where you alternate between idealizing and devaluing others in your relationships.
• You have an unstable self-image or self-identity.
• You act impulsively in at least two areas of your life in ways that can be self-damaging (overspending, substance abuse, etc.)
• You have a history of suicidal or self-mutilating behavior.
• You have frequent mood swings that usually last for a few hours but may last for a few days or more.
• You have severe and long-term feelings of emptiness.
• You have difficulty controlling your anger or get severely angry without cause. (You may feel angry all the time, display your anger frequently, or get in frequent physical fights.)
• You have periods of stress-related paranoia or experience severe dissociation (when you feel like your mind is detached from your emotions or body).

The only time I frantically tried to avoid abandonment is with Alfonse. I have always been the type to let go and never look back. I've earned the nickname BrickWall lol. I've been called everything but a child of God by guys who I've messed around with and dropped. Even the ones who drop me. I chalk it up and keep it moving. What's so different with Alfonse? Maybe because my feelings are in it...idk. I thought I was in love with Nate at one point. But I walked away. Hmmmmm idk so let's give that one a NO.

I think because I choose losers to date that me devaluing them is accurate. I try to see the best in them but sometimes....many times I am idealizing them. I am seeing the possibility versus the actuality. YES

We discussed my self-image already. YES

I do overspend and I abuse myself by overeating and eating the wrong foods. YES

I do have a history of suicidal and self-mutilating behavior. YES

I have mood swings but they don't last for hours or days. I get mad and get over it but I get alot sometimes. NO

I always have a reason to get mad I think. But I will begin to chart my anger and mood swings. NO

I am paranoid by default lol. I am always thinking someone is trying to get me or talk about me or hurt me and I trust hardly no one. But its not stress-related so NO

According to the DSM-IV-TR, I could very well be borderline. I need to do research on that to fully tell if that is my problem. If it is, then I need to work on healing myself.  If anyone has a suggestion or comment, leave it. Thanks and good night