Have you ever found yourself having a day when you just need a friend? I'm there today. I don't know what happened or why I'm feeling this way. I woke up feeling this way. I'm thinking its because I'm so tired. Or maybe its from that acquisition on Sunday then retelling everything last night to Tonya. But I'm so tired. I never thought at 31 I would feel so emotionally tired. Its sapping all of my energy. I tried texting Alfonse to talk to him since he would have a unique perspective on the situation that I'm dealing with. But he didn't respond. I guess that means that we are back where we started...no contact with each other. We're deleting each other from our lives. I just wish he would've told me but its whatever. I'm too tired to fight...to care...to cry...to worry...to think. My new saying is "It is what it is." I know that's not healthy but its helping me. That party on Sunday...I wish I had just walked out the door. Why do I even allow them to annoy me? I don't know if it was coming from a "We care about you" perspective or a "I'm just being nosey" perspective. I wish Kesha or Della was there to help me out. But as I sat there trying to justify and make excuses for everything, I realized how....pathetic I was acting. Why would I stay or even care about someone whose done what he's done? Is it that I don't cherish myself? But I don't think that's it. I do cherish myself and love myself. I think its that I feel sorry for him. It's not pity at all. Its just that I understand the hurt and pain and turmoil he suffers with. And if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't want anyone to abandon me. I really don't think he can help what he does. If I believed that he was a true-blue jerk...no redeeming qualitites whatsoever, then I would've walked away a long time ago. I did with Nate and never looked back. But I can feel his pain...you can see it in his eyes. That was one of the first things I noticed about him. But on the other hand, what about me? I can't keep giving and giving only to be hurt and disappointed. Then its the whole trust factor. Can I believe anything that comes out of his mouth? Even as a friend...I don't believe some of the things he says. So how can I fully support and help someone who only allows me to peek into the window instead of letting me in? I'm tired of letting down my defenses only to be disappointed and hurt in the end. Can he help doing this? Is this part of his addiction? I thought I was strong enough for the both of us. Now I see I'm not. Then we talked about love. How can I abandon someone I love? How can I want to hurt someone I say I love? Then does that mean I never loved him? Maybe if I constantly tell myself that it wasn't love, then maybe this'll be easier. I was doing so fine until that stupid party....ugh. I rarely thought about him and I was moving on. But now it feels like the band-aid has been ripped off and peeled off the icky scab. I have to relive this all over again. And this time, he's not there to help. So I guess I need to do this by myself. What am I going to do come week after next? I guess I'll do what I have to do...exactly what I did last time. It won't be hard 'cause I've built up momentum. But I don't think I'll be good company to anyone though. I'll be okay...I have no choice but to be. XOXO
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