A great epiphany

I wrote this post earlier but my computer frizzed out. I was so frustrated that I took a nap! But here's what happened. Today at work I had a suicide call. Suicide calls are a normal part of work but this one was somewhat different. The lady was crying that she was going to slit her wrists if her son left her alone tomorrow. She said that she had planned it perfectly. She would wait until he left the house, clean it up, take some pills, write letters to her family and slit her wrists. Why? Because she was lonely. It's amazing how many people suffer from loneliness in this world, let alone, the church. Anyways, so I was praying for her and it pulled everything I had in me to do that. I felt the energy being pulled. But what I realized throughout the call was that this is ministry!!! I always say that it is just a job, but this call reminded me that it is ministry. And am I fully prepared (or even partially prepared) for the ministry? NO! I don't pray before I get on the phones. As a matter of fact, I don't regularly or systematically pray at all. I pray here and there, talking to God about certain situations that arise but I don't get on my knees and whip out my list of people needing prayer. I don't even fast. Now I do read my Word but I don't deserve no cookie for that. And all I was thinking during the call was, "Lord, don't punish her because of my failures as a minister." Her blood would've been on my hands because God delivered her to me and I was not prepared at all. The Bible (or "they" say) that we are to always be ready and I wasn't. And I'm always preaching (not literally) about integrity within ministry and look at me! Lord knows that there isn't any integrity within my ministry, especially after this weekend. I just came to the conclusion that my spiritual walk and the calling God has on my life is serious. I must take this serious! Who knows how many other people are suffering because I am not where I am supposed to be? That lady could've died and it would've been my fault because I was not being led by the Holy Spirit. Thank God He helped her in spite of me!!! I realize that I must get my life in order. I can't wait for the retreat 'cause I got some things I need to lay at the Cross.

In the previous post, I went on into this guy who emotionally damaged me but I don't feel like talking about him. I was just saying that I have been thinking about him a lot lately. But after a long nap to calm me down, I realize that it's not just him but me. I have to learn to let things go and trust God. I got some disturbing news the past few weeks. I know I told you that he-that-shall-not-be-named got married. He was important to me (even though he don't even know it...shhhh!) because he restored my faith in love. He led me to realize that I do deserve the best. Especially after dealing with the "Charlies" and "Lucious Jrs" of the world. So I convinced myself that I was in love. IN LOVE?!?!? You'd see if you researched previous posts. But I realize that it wasn't him but I was in love with....LOVE! But yet still, it still stung with I found out about the marriage. Then I found out that my first love, Earl, is getting re-married. So that was double rejection. That hit me like a ton of bricks because I wondered once again why I was being looked over. I like his new fiance waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than his first wife. I hope he and Toya are happy together. So facing rejection of that magnitude, I began searching over my life for a glimmer of hope in love. And what did I come up with? Nate and Kenji. I know that it would never work between Nate and I because we are too different. Besides, he's history. But it's like that Whitney Houston song...

Why does it hurt so bad?

Why do I feel so sad?

Thought I was over you

But I keep crying when I don't love you

So why does it hurt so bad?

I thought I had let you go

So why does it hurt me so

Gotta get you outta my head

It hurts so bad

I got to get healing from that relationship. I was talking about the other day and realized that I have not allowed another man hurt me like hurt or make me cry the way he did. All the other guys of my past, I kept them at a distance. And when it seemed like the situation would leave me hurt, I would withdraw emotionally and become cold and mean. And that's what happened with Kenji. He was a good man but I was operating out of hurt from Nate. And in the process, I hurt him. But I'll talk about him at a later date (Nate too). But it's not just Nate's fault...Earl had some part in that, too. Maurice too. But the purpose of this part of the post is to say that I need emotional healing. I also need to learn to be alone with no prospects. I've always had someone in the wings that gave me hope in love but now there is no one. Well, there is Noah Calhoun. He is the epitome of every woman's dream man. For those who don't know who he is - he's a character from The Notebook. I recommend that movie for all women who lost faith in love. But anyways, I need to learn to leave in God's hands. When I am healed emotionally, my "Noah" will come. It's just the healing part that gets me down. I keep thinking, "What do I need to do? What kind of therapy do I need?" Well, we'll see.

Now to something more light-hearted. I am going to color my hair dark red. I am excited. I've always done blonde but now I am going to go red. My hair is already light red but this is going to kick it into another level. I am excited. I am trying to get information from my parents about our vacation plans. My mom wants to go to Anaheim but I think my dad wants to go to Selma. I want to go to Selma because Pete is getting married. My cousin, Pete, is fine! So that means fine friends will be there, too. Yah! So, we'll see what happens but I want them to get it together 'cause I don't wanna waste my vacation days. I bought two end tables for my front room. They both cost around $80 with s/h. Now I got a place to put these two lamps that I bought last week. The place is coming around good. I just need to keep it clean. I found some real pretty plates at Ross but they were all picked over. They would've went with my table perfectly! There were three bowls, two cups and two plates. So I started searching online and found a cheap set on Target.com. So, the plate set, clock, entertainment center, and centerpiece is the next paycheck. If I got money left after I pay rent and electric, I will buy the plates or entertainment center now. I love decorating my place. Well, HAPPY 4th of July everyone!