It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up for a minute just surfing the Internet. I can't sleep lately. I am so discontent and frustrated with life right now. I hate my job...I hate living at home...that's basically it lol. I keep saying that I need a vacation but how many can I take in one year? I think I'm bored and lacking stimulation and I've been like this for some time now. Normally, I can play it off but it surfaces from time to time. And I don't want to keep complaining about everything. I just need a change in my life. I was offered to move to Texas and Philadelphia (it wasn't exactly an offer rather than a suggestion for Philly). Would a change in scenery make a difference? I'm scared because what if I move and then I realize that I wanna come back home? But I did it when I moved to Tulsa and toughed it out...found a new family and set of friends. Maybe I can do that with Texas. But I gotta finish school first since I got into this program at North Park University. I am crazy excited about that...but I'm also scared. What if I'm not good enough or disciplined enough or smart enough to go back to school? And pass? What if I don't have the finances to complete school? What if something goes wrong? It's like I'm constantly fearful that everything that I want is not obtainable. The man that I love, the life I want, the job I want, the dreams I dream about every night, the house that I want....and it makes me so sad that I break down and cry without warning. I could just be PMS'ing or be sexually frustrated. I just wish I had somebody I could talk to about all of this. There is always God, who has always been there. I just feel so far away from Him because of the Al situation. I don't feel like I have a right to even talk to Him. I'm not repentful even though I'm sad at what I'm doing and the toll its taking on my relationship with Him. *ugh* I need therapy! lol.
Speaking of dreams...I had a crazy one last night. I dreamt that I was at a Mason meeting with a lot of people that I knew and then Al walked in and sat next to me. Billy was sitting across the table from me (and THAT reminds me of something that he said last week but hold on..). Al went to hold my hand and his wedding band (which he doesn't even have) was showing. I pulled his hand under the table real quick and motioned for him to remove it before Billy saw it. However, I think he had already seen it and he was looking at me with that typical Billy stare. I hate that stare. Anyways, it was odd because I was a Mason meeting and that's only for men. And Billy was there and he hates Masonry. And I was joining which is something I would never do even if I were a boy. Then somewhere in the dream, somebody got anally molested. I just remember seeing a graphic clip of it. Where'd that come from? Who knows? But it was disturbing because it didn't fit in with the dream and it was random and I didn't know who it was.
Now back to Billy...we were talking about one of my b-day parties when Kenji decided to show up. I didn't really remember the whole fiasco because my memory is horrible with some things. All I remember is that he showed up and was not dressed for a party. Then he played with the twins and met everyone and quickly went to watch television by himself. I was then forced to leave my company and keep him company. Then after a few hours, he was ready to go and we went outside and he tried the octopus game. Billy said that he remembered that my mom was forcing me to tongue him down in front of everyone. How humiliating...I'm so glad that I dodged that bullet. No telling what my life would be like if we'd gotten married. Or what if I had stayed with Nate? I would be garbage. Thank God for deliverance lol. Or Maurice? It's so sad that I can't remember anyone else's name. For example, the guy who thought my eyes were really hazel? He might've been a good catch. He was an electrician and was willing to make an honest woman out of me before having sex with me. Can't do no better than that. Now all I got are losers staring me in the face like Rico (hella loser), the other Rico (pervert loser), Mr Arnold (the biggest loser of them all), Lee (stalking loser) and David (sweetheart yet delusional loser). Or the real good guys..too good for me like Alpacino (too saved), Eric (just not interested), Jeron (just not interested), Christopher (just not interested), John (idk yet) or Eric (too nice and just not interested).
Well I'm tired and about to go to bed. TTYL!
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DASH & LUCKY!
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