I am doing my paper on pornography addiction. Why? There are various reasons of why I would choose that topic but one reason is because that is the field that I want to go into...sexual problems. That category has so many problems within them. There are people who molest children, there are children who were molested, rape victims, rapists, people with sexual performance problems just to name a few. I saw this documentary about hypersex people. It was definitely a subject that made me think on some things. One girl who said that she had to have sex at least 3 times a night made a comment. She said that if her boyfriend turned her down, she would go and make a sandwich. She would substitute sex for food. Hmmm....and that made me think of my habits. Ever since a young kid in kindergarten, I was a sexual individual. I am shamed at some of the things that I did as a five-year old. And it only grew stronger as I got older. Where it stemmed from leaves me clueless. I have no idea how or why I was like that. Scenarios, problems, issues and situations led me to turn it all of at the age 15. I didn't look at boys, I didn't think about sex and I didn't want to think about it. I didn't trust myself. I found that it only got me in trouble 'cause I didn't know boundaries or what was right or wrong. I lived in my head when it came to sex. So I turned to food to ward off the frustration of suppressing that desire. When I graduated from high school and went to a co-ed college, I was surrounded around a bunch of good-looking guys who kinda pressured me to date. I was so terrified because I knew what I was not supposed to do as a Christian but I knew what I wanted to do as a woman. I figured that if I did it once, no strings attached, that I could get it out of my system and then repent and get right back to where I was supposed to be spiritually. So there comes Nate. But what I didn't expect was that I would become attached to him. I don't think I loved him because I never thought about marrying him or anything. I just loved being with him and being around him. I loved hanging around him. That doesn't mean love, does it? So after I was tired of him, I dropped him. It took me a month to get over him and once I was over, I was over. I didn't look back even when he begged me to come back. I didn't want him anymore. Now while with Nate, I saw that I was getting out of control. I had allowed that one guy to pick me up on 80th & Kedzie. Then there was Steve. I didn't sleep with them but I was inappropriate with them. After Nate, I was okay for a few years until the next guy came. I don't remember his name but that lasted a month. I was bored with him so I dropped him and didn't look back. I didn't need him because he wasn't good enough for me. He wasn't husband material...neither was Nate. So after the second guy, I was cool for a real long time. I focused on my relationship with God. However, I had developed some habits that were not spiritually healthy. So I indulged in that habit and everything that came along with the habit. I remember one time I stayed in the house for two days acting on this habit. That's obsessive, ain't it? I called off work both days, avoided phone calls and visitors because I was busy. So when I came home, I run into Pete. That's when I knew I had a problem. I was not attracted to him but it was just something I had to do. I also remember one day on vacation, I was being hit on by this mentally slow guy and I fantasized taking advantage of him. Now I know that sounds bad but he didn't have Downs Syndrome but he weird. He was big and built but acted like a young boy. We were in the pool and he kept grabbing me and feeling on me. My family was making fun of me but it felt oddly good. I had forgotten all about that until recently reading the journals on sex addictions. If I didn't have the Holy Spirit controlling me, I would've done some of everything to that boy. What if he was underage? I didn't even think about that 'cause the urge was so strong. Even now, I remember that urge and those thoughts. But thanks be unto God for helping me. So this paper makes me wonder if I am an addict or have the characteristics of becoming an addict and am I substituting food for sex. And that would explain why I feel how I feel about certain guys. Guys like Alpacino couldn't understand nor deal with me. I mean, what if I'm really a "different" person? Just the music I like to listen shows that I'm different from other saved women. I love songs that are sexually explicit such as:
- Tush - Ghostface Killah
- Shh - Tevin Campbell
- Get off , Sexy Muthaf*** , Do Me, Baby - Prince
- Rope Burn, Warmth, Moist - Janet Jackson
- Imagine That, The Greatest Sex - R Kelly
- Wait (The Whisper Song) - Ying Yang Twins
- Peaches and Cream (remember this song, Sarah??) - 112
- What's It Gonna Be?!? - Busta and Janet
- Uhh Ahh - Boys II Men
- Nasty Girl - Vanity 6
- I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd
- Do Me, Baby - BBD
These are just some songs off the top of my head that I love. But it also depends on the song. I don't like overly explicit songs by people like Nicki M. Anyways, this paper is definitely giving me lots to think about.
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