The Oscar party was soooooo much fun! I got 10 out of 24 correct and I didn't even see most of the movies lol. But I do plan on seeing them soon. I fell asleep during the Red Carpet affair but woke up just in time to see Anne and James do their boring routine. I was surprised to see how old Kirk Douglas was....actually I was surprised to see that he was still alive. And I was so upset that they forgot Corey Haim. HOW CAN YOU FORGET COREY HAIM???? And there were no Black actors/actresses/etc that passed away last year? It was so biased. And the only Black person was half-breed Lena Horne. So ridiculous! Anyways, I had fun tonite even though I should've been doing work and homework.
I know I have the ability to see and report the negative and bypass the positive so I want to correct that tonight. Thursday was a good day. I arrived at my destination early. I was told that I was going to be picked up from the airport but when I didn't get a message from him by the time I landed, I just made up my mind to take the shuttle. However while walking to baggage claim, the text came through for me to text him and tell him when I landed. I did that and he said that he was on the way. As I was waiting, the shuttle pulls up so I just get on and tell him to meet me at the hotel. I check in and chill out. I am so tired because I hadn't slept in like 2 days so I laid it down. About 20 minutes later, he shows up. He walks through the door and I had forgotten how handsome he was. I hug him and immediately enjoy the feel of me in his arms. Then he did something that took my breath away. He grabs my face and kisses me. He then grabs the back of my head and kisses me. I was floored and confused. My head was swimming. He even crotches down to kiss me. He brings me breakfast (which I couldn't eat because they didn't give him syrup) and a card and a box of chocolate. The card was beautiful. He apologized for not having my ipod. I was REALLY looking forward to getting it. I was disappointed but he promised to buy me another one...well go half on one but considering all that went down this weekend, he will probably buy it himself. Anyways, we sat/laid around and talked and laughed and made out. It was perfect. Then something weird happened. I laid on his chest and had to fight back the tears. I realized that I was in love with this man and was not clear of all the hurt he put me through. I just wanted to cry but he doesn't deal with crying at all so I fought it off. Besides, I was playing the hard-to-get role so how can I start crying? I then imagined myself doing that...just chilling with him...for the rest of my life. Or at least a week lol. And I got upset. Why can't I have what I want? I don't ask for much. THEN I felt stupid. He doesn't belong to me and I can't ask for the devastation of another woman just for my pleasure. So I put it out of my mind for the moment. He was going to be mind for the weekend...or so I thought. But I gave in and had sex with him. You know how you have all of these things planned out...you know what you're going to do and stuff but when the time comes your brain freezes? That's what happened to me. I wanted all of this romantic and sensual stuff but I forgot all about it once we got into it. How was it? It was good. I think the pressure of a time restraint prohibited some things but it was just good to be intimate with him. I never understood how people would say that they were expressing their feelings through sex...or making love or whatever. I just thought that they were just saying something. Sex is sex is what I thought until Thursday. Just being with him and experiencing the intimacy was fulfilling. I don't know if I had on make-up or if I was looking pretty. I don't honestly remember and I hate that. I wanted to look perfect for him. So we hung out until it was time for him to leave. He said that he would try to come back that night but I knew he was just talking. Well, not to be negative about it but he means well lol. I didn't sweat it because I was gonna have him all night on Friday. But of course it didn't happen. He couldn't get a babysitter. But the funny thing is...I knew he wasn't coming that Friday night because of something he said when he texted me. First of all, he was ghost for most of Friday. But I chalked it up to him being overly busy with the kids. I heard from him later that day and it was short and vague. I don't know if I was overly sensitive considering his past, but it felt like a brush-off. But I ignored those thoughts and kept reminding myself that he was coming back that night. Until the text. He was telling me that his day was crazy and stressful. So I say that I hope it gets better. He says that it will once he's with me. Then he says if the babysitter doesn't flake out. When he said that, I knew he wasn't coming. Why would he say that? I had ordered dinner from this really nice restaurant. I had champagne chilling. I had the whole night planned. Why? Because it was our 2-year anniversary. I honestly thought that he remembered and was planning something nice too since he didn't say anything that Thursday. But life happened and he couldn't come back. I was so upset. It felt like I was having a panic attack but I put it out of my mind. I was NOT that same Carmen as before. I was a self-assured woman who should not and would not rely on a man. So I just watched television all night....pissed lol. After I calmed down some, I texted him Happy Anniversary. The next morning, I get a text saying sorry and that he forgot it was our anniversary. And that was it. Oh yeah...that Friday when he found out that he couldn't come. He texted me. I told him to call me because of his track record lol. If he was with another chick, I wanted him to at least be inconvenienced to leave her and call me. That Saturday, I didn't talk to him at all. I have no idea what he was doing besides work and the kids. Until I got a text saying that he was going to pick up the kids and then go home. That text came in around 3 or 4 pm. He told me that he got off work around 12pm so what was he doing by himself for those hours? But I can't sweat it. If he wanted to be with me, he would've found a way. I just regretted having sex with him so soon. I wished I would've held out and then maybe he would've come back lol. He kept saying that he was sorry and really wanted to come back. IDK...he didn't say goodbye. I didn't get a call saying goodbye or see ya later or have a nice flight or anything. IDK. I did get a text this morning from him apologizing for the weekend and telling me that if he were me, he'd dump me. And then he says that the future of our relationship is up to me and if it was the end, then he would always love me. Basically it was the same ole letter I always get lol. He's so predictable and dramatic. I would've thought that he would fight or something saying that I'd better not let him go and that he'd do better or make it up to me. It felt like a blow-off letter. He did say something profound though. He said that his family life requires more because he has responsibilities. And that is true...so where do I fit in? I don't think he even knows. I think I'm just someone on the shelf that he pays attention to when it fits him. And if I didn't love him or even like him, it'd be cool. I got lots of guy friends who are like that and I could care less! But with him, it bugs me ya know? For example, Jason. He texted me this weekend asking me if I was finished checking my schedule to find time for him....hahaha. He's such an ass! So I told him that I always had time to hang out with friends. He goes and says that we're more than friends once we gave each other our bodies. Niggah please....stop! So I ask him what are we? And he goes to say that I need to stop with the bad girl persona and just be his baby. He says that I talk a good game on the phone but face-to-face, I'm not like that. He then goes to say that I miss him...I miss kissing him and when we're together, we melt in each others arms. Bwaaahaaaa.....I.was.floored! We hung out all of two times. And that's kinda cocky to say that I miss him. I ain't talked to him since October...4 months ago and now I need to just give in? After he acted like an ass? Whatever. But see....4 months went pass with someone I had sex with and I didn't care if I didn't hear from him. And when I did, it was like whatever. *blows raspberry* I just needed to get that off of my chest. So I emailed him back twice. There was so much I wanted to say. And I hadn't processed everything that happened that weekend. I have no one to talk it out with anyways. I don't remember exactly what I said but they were two totally different emails. The first one I wrote while at the airport. The second one took me all day to write....literally all day from like 11 until 4. I just have to remember that I have nothing to lose here then the sting of being dumped again won't hurt so bad. I know he's gonna tell me to leave him alone again once he sees that I'm asking for more of and out of him. So...........*blows raspberry* Well I'm definitely going to bed right now. I gotta get up in da morning! XOXO
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